Sam Avery

1. EXCITEMENT Wow! A new toy. How cool! And it sings three different songs too. That's a relief as I was slightly tired of the other ones but this one seems different. Much less annoying.  We'll have endless fun with this one, kids. That's for sure! 2. YOU LEARN THE WORDS Look, everyone! *presses button, sings along, feeling great* This is better than karaoke. Hit that button again! Whooo! 3. YOU SING THE WORDS AT ALL TIMES Bloody hell, that song is a real earworm isn’t it? Catchier than Ebola. Can't stop singing it. Losing my mind a bit actually. Like those Tetris dreams I used to have. 4. IT ENTERS YOUR SOUL Oh, that SHITTING SONG. I can't think straight. I swear I heard it in my sleep last night.   This is hell on earth. In fact it's worse because I can't even hear myself scream - all I can hear is that frigging song. 5. LOSS OF RATIONAL THOUGHT I'd do time for that fucking thing. As soon ...

1.Wiping the arse of a wriggling baby should be an Olympic sport. 2.It takes 1.5 hours to tidy our house but a mere 37 seconds to untidy it. 3.Our washing machine is more overworked than a Victorian pit pony. 4.I have no idea what me and my wife had conversations about before the kids were born. 5.Dribble rash is minging. 6.If one of our twins keeps rolling about like this he'll be applying for a travel visa before the summer. 7.It's far too easy to sit on the baby monitor microphone, hear an almighty noise come through the receiver from the next room, not realise this has been caused by your own clumsy derrière and thus assume you're being burgled. (This is also a great way to get the exact temperature of your buttocks.) 8.It's possible for next door's dog to bark so loud outside your baby's window you'll be convinced your child is part-wolf. 9.New kitchen cleaning products excite me more now than new music. FML. 10.We...

1. YOU FEEL EXCITEMENT Wow! A new toy. How cool! And it sings three different songs too. That's a relief as I was slightly tired of the other ones but this one seems different. Less annoying.  We'll have endless fun with this, that's for sure! 2. YOU LEARN THE WORDS Look, kids! *presses button, sings along, feeling great* This is better than karaoke. Hit that button again! Whooo! 3. YOU SING THE WORDS AT ALL TIMES Bloody hell, that song is catchier than Ebola. Real earworm. Can't stop singing it. Losing my mind a bit. This is worse than the Tetris dreams I used to have. 4. IT ENTERS YOUR SOUL Oh, that FUCKING SONG. I can't even think straight. I swear I just had a dream with that as the soundtrack. More of a nightmare. This is hell on earth. In fact it's worse because I can't hear myself scream - all I can hear is that frigging song. 5. LOSS OF RATIONAL THOUGHT I'd do time for that fuckin...

1. YOU WILL LEAVE THE HOUSE EVERY SINGLE DAY, NO MATTER WHAT. You've been up since 5am and planned to go out all day. But now it’s 4.50pm and you're picking dried shit off the carpet in your pajamas. Face facts - your house is a time vortex and even Nelson Mandela in the 1980’s got out more than you do. 2. YOU WILL NEVER EAT BISCUITS FOR BREAKFAST This is impossible when you’ve had 53 minutes sleep and your will power and sanity have both fucked off in a sports car like Thelma and Louise. You’ll be frantically searching for the branflakes but instead the Jaffa Cakes will be there, giving you the eye like the sugary hussies they are. You’ll move your gaze away towards the fruit but those biscuits have you in their tractor beam, undressing you with their eyes. Before you know it you’ll be four biscuits deep, crumbs all over the work surface and tears of shame in your eyes. 3. YOU WILL IMMEDIATELY WASH YOUR SHEETS WHEN BABY PUKES ON THEM ...

1.I've gained weight quicker than a sleeping bag in the rain. 2.Tidying up isn't a job you can finish - it's a constant work in progress. 3.Sleep is an old friend I've lost touch with. 4.Without coffee I am nothing. 5.When your baby laughs the world makes sense. 6.I've never been skydiving but I can't imagine that experience comes close to the exhilaration of getting both twins to nap simultaneously. 7.My personal standards are now lower than an earthworms arsecheek. I leave the house with stains on my pants most days. 8.Babies give you endless new material to write about but zero time to write it. 9.I'm proud of the NHS. On this day last year we received some heartbreaking news about one of our little boys at a routine pregnancy scan. Due to the diligent, professional and compassionate care we received from NHS staff we now have two healthy, happy babies a year later. Thank you. 10.I'm fucked if I'm staying up ti...

(Apologies for the delay in getting this up on the site late - it went up on my FB page over a week ago but due to a dose of man-flu and the busy Xmas period I'm only putting it online 'properly' now.) 1.They should invent dummies you can locate by whistling or clapping, like with car keys. 2.You don't have to 'enjoy every minute' of parenthood. When they're coughing their guts up and you're full of flu it's worse than root canal surgery with an unqualified dentist. 3.All I want for Christmas is my lad to get his two front teeth. PLEASE BABY JESUS, MAKE IT HAPPEN. 4.Judging by where the mess tends to end up, my other son's bum hole is pointing upwards. 5.If the twins keep sneaking in with us I need to lose weight or buy a bigger bed. 6.It's easy to become everything you hate. I saw a mum pushing triplets and felt compelled to tell her that I have twins. She couldn't have given less of a fuck and rightly so. 7....

1.It’s a good job babies are cute because several aspects of them are beyond gross. 2.My sons ‘poo stare’ becomes more disturbing by the day. I’m sure he’s squeezing them out sideways. 3.The stench from a burst nappy bag will make you yearn for the sweet aroma of an open sewer. 4.Crossing a busy road with a pram feels like a real life game of Frogger. 5.Apparently to an 8 month old ‘go to sleep’ means ‘do a James Brown impression for the next forty minutes.’ 6.Some baby pukes have the force of an angry power shower. 7.Parenthood makes your personal standards plummet quicker than a damp paper aeroplane. 8.You can be so tired your face droops like a novelty candle. 9.My willpower towards food when I’m exhausted is weaker than a field mouse with M.E. 10.Brushing your baby’s first tooth makes you realise with a heavy heart that they really do grow up too fast. I'm a stand up comic and new dad to twins. Click here to follow my parenting blog on F...

*stands in the kitchen in my running gear* Christ, these shorts are tight. Feel like Daisy Duke. Need to sort a playlist first. Rage Against the Machine? Too rocky. Rocky? Ah, the Rocky soundtrack. Never fails. I can feel the calories burning off already. *spends 20 minutes building a playlist* Where are my running shoes? This house is a shithole, I’m surprised we haven’t misplaced one of the kids yet. When did I last wear them? Feel like I’ve not exercised since puberty. As usual, they’re in the porch. And yes, they stink. No surprise there. Smell like cheesy puffs. That porch is filled with spiders, I bet they’ve all crawled into my shoes. Little bastards. *puts shoes on in* Bloody hell. I’m knackered. Arthritic hippos move with more grace than me. Shall I not bother? No, I’ve got to do this. I’m growing tits here. Best do some stretches first. Although you’re not supposed to stretch cold muscles are you? But I have just run down the stairs so I’m...

(Read #7 here) 1.Putting eye drops into a wriggling seven month old is harder than playing Jenga on the bus. 2.Just because a song from a toy is catchy doesn't mean it's good. Ebola is catchy. 3.Your kids being born is the best day of your life but getting a tumble dryer comes a very close second. 4.Wearing your wife's maternity pants 'as a joke' can open your mind to new experiences. 5.Traffic Wardens are not sympathetic to the plight of teething twins at home. 6.Teething Twins is a great name for a 1980's New Romantic band. 7.We need to clean between the sofa cushions more often. I found some baby sick so old it needed carbon dating. 8.Humming the Benny Hill theme during nap time gets your jobs done quicker. 9.Between dusk and dawn my foot becomes a magnet for squeaky floorboards. 10.Getting a baby to sleep when they're full of snot is tougher than a Wetherspoon's steak. (Read #9 here) I'm a stand up...

(Read #6 here) 1.I don’t care that the daughter of your friend’s sister had twins. I’m just a man in Asda trying to buy milk. 2.Walking round in public with baby sick stains on your crotch is only acceptable if people see you’re with a baby, otherwise you’re just a weirdo. 3.Your baby pooing in the bath stops being funny after the 11th time. 4.Until you’ve put a four-day old soiled muslin cloth to your nose to check if it’s clean you have no idea what the phrase ‘rank smell’ means. No idea at all. 5.Pureed roast dinners are well nice. 6.On the right day, after the wrong night, running out of coffee can make you want to weep uncontrollably. 7.Imitating your son’s ‘Poo Stare’ will scare your wife more than any trick or treaters. 8.A baby that won’t nap is more stubborn than the last bit of ketchup in the jar. 9.Making my 7 month old twins laugh uncontrollably with a silly noise feels better than making 500 strangers laugh with a crafted routine. 1...

(Read Part 3 here) MONDAY Refused to take my nap today - was convinced something amazing was going to happen and didn’t want to miss it. Nothing happened. Got annoyed. TUESDAY My food arrived but they didn’t feed me for ages. They kept shouting a lot and blowing on it. I started to whinge so the idiots gave me a tambourine. I wanted food, not percussion. WEDNESDAY I cried for ages last night so they put me into the big people’s bed which was well comfier than my stupid cot. If that’s what happens when you cry I’ll definitely do that again tonight. THURSDAY Tried to cry myself into their bed again but they stood firm. Cried harder than ever but in the end gave up and had a really lovely sleep actually. FRIDAY Teeth were hurting me today. Why do people think I want to see them pull funny faces when I’m crying? They’ve got no idea what I’m going through. SATURDAY Felt a bit sad today but then did a poo that took lots of effort and then I felt dead happ...

(Read Part 2 here) MONDAY Woke up late in a great mood and forgot I was hungry. Then remembered I was hungry and all hell broke loose. TUESDAY Can't be sure but think one of the big people did a trump today and blamed it on me. I know I'm new here but that doesn't seem fair. Gonna fill my nappy tomorrow and blame them. WEDNESDAY New toy arrived today and wasn't sure about it so put it in my mouth for a bit. Still not sure but left it in my mouth anyway. THURSDAY Big people were really annoying at food time. Kept holding my hands. So what if I want to eat through my eyes? I'm an individual. FRIDAY Was in a really grabby mood today. Felt like grabbing everything. Grabbed myself in the bath in a part I didn't know existed and the big people laughed but then looked quite concerned. SATURDAY Had some food today that was even nicer than my bib. Made my face move in directions I didn't think was possible. Mind. Blown. SUNDAY...

(Read #5 here) 1.People caught parking in the parent & child spaces without kids should be forced to do their weekly shop with teething triplets who haven't napped. 2.The sense of injustice felt by a near sleeping baby as they remove their own dummy is comparable only with false imprisonment. 3.My sons have got enough food in their neck folds for their own Harvest Festival. 4.The only people who benefit from the clocks going back are the people who don't need an extra hours sleep in the first place. Bastards. 5.Four ruined outfits in an hour means the day is officially a write-off, everything is cancelled and you should go back to bed. (Like that’s an option…) 6.If they made a Top Gear style show about prams I would definitely watch it. 7.When burping your baby in public it's always good to check there's nobody directly behind you. (And to the lady in the sheepskin coat in John Lewis, my sincere apologies.) 8.If you ever turn down th...

(Read last #4 here) 1.Blaming your baby's trumps on your partner never gets old. 2.Bathroom breaks are legitimate little holidays now. I won't rule out sit-down wees at some point either. 3.If you get too close to the baby monitor with the receiver the babies will wake up thinking they're at Download Festival. 4.It's easy to forget this and do it two days running. 5.Some sleepsuits are harder to get into than RADA. 6.People on the next table in Starbucks aren't as fascinated with your baby's bowel movements as you are. 7.Sleep deprivation is a tit. I queued for 5 minutes behind a row of empty parked cars. 8.My opinion on weaning poos fluctuates more than the weather. I'm a fan again this week. 9.One of our twins needs to play a lot of sport when he grows up as the way he's eating Channel 5 will want to make a documentary about him. 10.Using the baby change facilities when there's a queue makes you feel like you're on an episod...

(Read #3 here) 1.Parents who tell you their kids 'always sleep right through' are pure dicks. 2.After seven hours straight with babies it’s REALLY difficult to talk to another adult without wanting to squeeze their cheeks and make noises like a lunatic. 3.I don't know what the adult equivalent of Calpol is but I need to get my hands on some. 4.Reflux causes more delays than a Tube strike. 5.Opening picture messages from your wife should be done discretely as they may contain a photo of your son's first actual turd. 6.I've forgotten what the bottom of our laundry basket looks like. 7.Nappy rash can seem worse than it is - my son's rump looked like The Rolling Stones logo all week but he was fine. 8.Nothing makes you feel more middle class than a baby massage class. 9.Shouting 'COOL DOWN YOU BASTARD' at a bowl of baby porridge has little or no effect. 10. Failure to tie both ends of the bag inside the nappy bin prop...

First of all, don't panic. Panicking is only useful if you’ve been set on fire or they open a new till at Aldi. In a nappy change environment, panic will ruin both your spirit and nice carpet. Be prepared. This isn't Chicago in the 40’s and you’re not Miles Davis - you can't just rock up and start improvising. You need to nail this operation to the wall. Get everything you need ready. Would you go camping without a tent? Wipes, wipes and more wipes. You can't have too many but you can definitely have too few. The last thing you want is to run out and have to use your sock. Grab a new nappy. (Yes, you'll need one of these.) This sounds more patronizing than offering Lance Armstrong tips on bullshit I've lost count of the number of times I've done the hard work by getting a clean bum ready but forgotten to prep the fresh nappy. This is the parental equivalent of dribbling past three defenders, dancing round the oncoming keeper and then spo...

(Read #2 here) 1.I'd rather do my tax return on a roller coaster than look after twins with a hangover. 2.‘The Wheels on the Bus’ is a truly terrible song. They probably use it in Guantanamo Bay. 3.No matter how long you wait, the bathroom doesn't start to self-clean itself like white people with dreadlocks tell you their hair does. 4.A baby's neck-folds is a legitimate place to check for lost property. 5.My comment two weeks ago about being a fan of solid food poos was hopelessly premature. They are rank. 6.A 6 month old can kick you hard enough in the knackers to doubt you’ll ever give them more siblings. 7.Whoever designed babies is a dick. "I know! When they need to sleep really badly I'll programme them to get incredibly angry so that sleep is impossible!” 8.The 'Calpol Spritzer' that the wife joked about sounds pretty tempting. 9.I love my kids more than anything in the world. 10. I’d love them a little bit mor...

(Read #1 here) 1.Running out of baby wipes mid-change is scarier than any of the Saw movies. 2.It’s pointless emptying the nappy bin as it will always be full. Always. 3.Joking to your wife that you really appreciate her ‘doing her 49% share of everything’ is definitely not funny. 4.Nothing can prepare you for the first time they poo in the bath. It’s horrific. 5.Trying to find the right position to soothe a crying baby is like trying to find phone signal at a music festival. 6.Some baby bowel movements are like an exorcism – pain – fear – relief. Followed by unbridled joy. 7.The smell of a bad nappy lingers in your house longer than the last few coffee Quality Streets at Christmas. 8.It’s possible to drink that much coffee you can hear your teeth. 9.Few things are sadder than reaching for a bottle of wine from the rack and remembering that’s now where you store the kitchen roll. 10.Nothing brings you back down to earth quicker after a really go...

1.The grime inside a baby’s neck folds is worse than anything found on a nightclub floor. 2.Coffee is more important than oxygen. 3.Someone has told my lads that solid food is ingested via the ears and nose. 4.Dirty nappies after solids get a very bad press. I’m a fan. 5.It’s possible to get so excited about going to sleep that you can’t sleep. 6.Babies should be born with teeth. 7.If something looks like poo and smells like poo, it’s poo. 8.If something looks like Marmite and smells like Marmite, it’s poo. 9.Both twins simultaneously weeing in the bath to create a live water feature is much funnier than I thought. 10.Playing with my kids is amazing but nap time is just as amazing (and sometimes more so). (Read #2 here) I'm a stand up comic and new dad to twins. You can click here to follow me on Facebook where I post all my blogs, memes and other blatherings about parenthood. Or go to the top right of this page. If the mood takes you, y...

I’ve been in loads of pukey situations in my life – lads holidays, rugby tours, choppy boat trips. I even once watched a Celine Dion DVD. But I have never experienced a variety of puking as diverse as since my twins were born. 1.The Seagull They’ve only just fed but you can’t resist holding them aloft like Superman. It’s so cute! Until on the third swoop they vomit like a drain all over your face. You’re an idiot and you deserve every drop. 2.The Snail Trail Moves down your back slower than a Child Benefit back-payment, leaving a nasty stream behind it. Normally starts on your shoulder and can end anywhere as low as your calf or ankle. 3.The Low Blow Puke all over your crotch. Easily the worst place to have a visible stain so you can guarantee this will only happen in Starbucks. 4.The Fangs Two dribbles, one each side of the mouth. You feed them. You look away. You look back and they’ve turned into baby Dracula. 5.The Beppe Similar to The Fangs but with a...