Sam Avery

1.Once you've got kids a 'lie in' till 7.20am will be talked about for weeks without any trace of irony. 2.Instead of spending money on expensive risk assessment procedures, companies should just put a crawling baby into the building as they would instantly find all the danger areas. 3.I'm no doctor but I'm convinced the human body requires more than 40 minutes sleep. 4.Failure to leave the house at least once a day will result in feeling as though your baby has taken you hostage. 5.Getting your baby to nap successfully sometimes makes you feel like a wizard. You can download my new podcast '5 Things I Learned' for FREE on iTunes! Guest this week is comedian and actor, Steve Royle. Click here.

1.Paying £40 a day for nursery when your kid is too ill to go because of a bug they caught at nursery smarts like a kick in the knackers. 2.6 hours unbroken sleep feels like a gift from the gods. 3.At 4.35am Tellytubbies makes complete sense. 4.The closest thing to dirty talk when you've got kids is your wife suggesting you order a Domino's and eat it in bed. 5.One of the most magical sounds is hearing your partner and kids laughing their head off together in the next room.

Having kids is easy.  All you have to do is feed them, change them, keep them safe, teach them right from wrong, educate them on manners, ensure they're polite, pay for everything, teach them how to talk, help them with homework, help them move out, cover their university fees, help them move back in, pay for their wedding, approve of their spouse and bite your lip when they make terrible life choices. And after all that, you'll probably have to look after THEIR kids a bit.  Piece of piss.. I've started a parenting podcast called '5 Things I Learned' and you can get it on iTunes  here...

1.When you have kids you start to view sleep in the same way you used to view sex – often thinking about it, not getting enough and happy to do it on the bus. 2.If Eskimos have a thousand words for 'snow' then new parents should have at least a million words for 'tired'. 3.Being a parent is like being a Premier League manager. Full of stress, quick decisions & everyone thinks they could do a better job than you. 4.After a week of sleep more disrupted than a Virgin train service your energy levels will resemble those of a diabetic sloth that’s cutting out caffeine for Lent. 5.It's a REALLY stupid idea to complain to your wife about a sore neck (caused by too many pillows in the hotel) after she's spent the night from hell on her own with two poorly twins. (Please vote for me in the MAD Blog Awards 2016...you can cast your vote in Best Baby Blog and Best New Blog by clicking here .)

*EXCITING NEWS KLAXON!!!* I'm launching my very own podcast ! 'Sam Avery: 5 Things I Learned' will be a weekly show where I discuss the five things I've learned as a parent that week, plus interviews with special guest comedians, actors and musicians about their parenting experiences. I've already got some great interviews recorded and some hugely exciting ones I'm in the process of tying down so watch this space :) (This podcast will officially be an 'expert-free zone.' Those people have a place but it isn't here...) I also want to hear from you lot - some of the funniest things I've read have come in the comments section beneath my posts! This podcast is where they'll get some much deserved air-time. The podcast is now available via iTunes and Podbean. It will be available through Stitcher from next week too. THE PILOT EPISODE IS AVAILABLE NOW! (Click here) And a new episode will land each week. Click on t

I'm launching my own weekly parenting podcast called '5 Things I Learned' and you can subscribe on iTunes by clicking here...

1.A fussy baby will scowl at their food like a Princess who's just been handed a sausage roll. 2.Getting that baby to eat said food requires tactics more complex than those needed to win the World Chess Championships. 3.Toys that make noise and don't have an 'off' button can get to fuck. (The people who designed them that way should have to explain themselves.) 4.It will be a momentous day when my boys realise you don't HAVE to throw everything you don't currently want or need on the floor. 5.If you sing 'Wheels on the Bus' to distract your baby every time you wipe their face, they'll ultimately associate that song with discomfort and scream louder than Axl Rose caught in his flies every time you launch into a rendition. 6.It's no wonder babies freak out at bedtime - as well as crying they can often hear their own sobs coming back at them via a small speaker system in the next room. 7.Getting both twins dressed on your ow