Sam Avery

MONDAY Mummy wouldn’t let me touch the radiator so I asked Daddy. He wouldn’t either. Touched it later when they weren’t looking. It was really fucking hot. Why did nobody stop me? TUESDAY Wrecking stuff is so much fun! Today I ripped my fave book to pieces, smashed a toy in half and totally destroyed a new outfit with a nappy leak that nearly caused Debenhams to be closed temporarily. I love being creative! WEDNESDAY It’s slowly dawning on me that I’m totally clueless in almost every area of life. Today I lay down on the floor and rubbed my face across the gravel. ON PURPOSE! It stung like fuck, obviously. What is wrong with me? THURSDAY Some snotty kid pushed me over at the soft play area today. I cried. They stuck their finger in my ear. I cried more. Mummy came over and blamed me. I cried even more. Injustice is a bitter pill to swallow - I was fuming for literally minutes. I don’t know this kid or what their game is but mark my words - retribution will be s

1.The definition of relief is when a noisier child than yours arrives in the restaurant. 2.Since becoming a parent I watch The Walking Dead and think 'Now THAT looks relaxing.' 3.I don't want a 'clean' house anymore. I just want to keep the level of shite to an acceptable level. 4.It's easier to extract a hostage from a warzone than leave the swimming baths with a toddler. 5.If I could preserve & recycle all the food my that ends up on the floor I'd be the new Bob Geldof. 6.Me and the wife don't call it sex anymore, it's now 'The AGM.' 7.Julia Donaldson & Axel Sheffler are the Lennon & McCartney of children's literature. 8.That said, I'd rather change a leaking, rancid nappy than read the fucking Gruffalo again. 9.Aldi is no place for a family day out. 10.Watching your little boys have their minds completely blown as they see snow for the first time is something you will never forget. Twitter: @samave

My twin boys are 18 months old so this will inevitably change. But for now, here’s my 10 favourite things about being a parent. 1.You Feel Like You've Done Something Worthwhile The planet is overcrowded and we’re running out of fish. We’re not helping by adding more methane-oozing, petrol-guzzling humans to the queue for the last few haddock. But no achievement in life has made me feel as proud as my kids. 2.Nobody’s Bothered If / When You’re Late You are never actually ‘on time’ with kids, merely ‘not late, yet.’ Twenty minutes, half an hour, fuck it – turn up a day late and nobody really cares. Or if they do they won’t say anything because you have a legitimate, living and shitting excuse. 3.When Your Child Laughs There is no other sound like it. When your child laughs, the world makes sense. (Unless they’re laughing at the bollocking you’ve just given them.) 4.When They Sleep Nap time is great (if it happens) but those nights when they go down at the end of th

Comedian Scott Bennett swings by for a chat this week. Plus we drop by at the Baby Hip Hop Hour. Listen to this and previous episodes on: iTunes ,  Stitcher  or Podbean