Sam Avery

MONDAY The big people need to understand that just because I’ve got shit in my pants doesn’t mean I need changing. The smell might be horrible but I honestly don’t mind. Plus I’m closer to the source so if anyone should be able to veto a nappy change it should be me. TUESDAY Went to the park but they wouldn’t let me off those stupid reins. Kept telling me it was just my special ‘Big Boy Bag’ I had to wear. What kind of bag has a big fuck-off lead attached to it? I’m not stupid you know. And anyway, I only wanted to run down the hill and across the busy road so I could dive in the lake. It’s perfectly safe. I saw a little dog in the same position who looked equally pissed off. We shared a moment but then he licked my head and I started crying. WEDNESDAY Spent most of today whining. Not about anything in particular, just toddler stuff. Annoyed myself in the end. Whined even more. It’s a vicious circle. THURSDAY More glittery stuff keeps appearing round the house. Tac...

Forget beautiful sunsets or snow on Christmas Day - my favourite sight in the whole world (even more than my kids themselves) is two empty plates at the end of a meal. (What this pic doesn't show is the rest of the food all over the bastard floor...) 1.Toddlers never run out of fresh creative ways to twat their head into stuff. 2.Applying logic to a child is as pointless as applying sun cream to a piece of toast. 3.Using the bathroom in our house feels like that bit at the safari park when the baboons jump all over your car. 4."Don't dip your spoon in someone else's porridge" sounds like a filthy euphemism. 5.Toddler's moods are like the British weather: constantly changing, hard to predict and guaranteed to ruin a picnic. 6.I spend my entire time at soft play areas ensuring my children don't attack other children. 7.Your child doing a nuclear-level shite as you've just handed them over to your partner on your way out the h...

1.The moment your toddler learns how to remove their nappy is scarier than Skynet becoming self-aware. 2.Nap time is the absolute tits. 3.I'm pretty sure there's only three different episodes of In The Night Garden. It's the Status Quo of kids TV. 4.And if you *slightly* mispronounce a character name from that show there's a good chance you'll unwittingly use a racial slur. 5."Who’s your favourite twin?" "The one that isn’t crying." 6.Never mind forgetting what you've come into a room for, some days I forget which room I'm going to on the way there. 7.Wine is the answer. (I just don't know what the question is.) 8.My son can fire nuggets from his arse further than I can throw a frisbee. 9.I still haven't cleaned the inside of the bin. To be honest, I'm so used to the smell now I think I'd miss it. 10.If you criticise when older parents say 'we never had parent and child spaces...

I want my twin boys to be clever and smart. But I hope neither turns out to be a child genius. This morning one of them shat himself awake while the other spent an hour licking the sofa. It seems unlikely that MENSA will be in touch anytime soon. And I’m fine with that. Not that I don’t want my kids to flourish or be successful, you understand. I hope they show drive, ambition and a willful enthusiasm to accomplish beautiful, remarkable things that I could only dream of. But I hope they enjoy their childhood first. And I’m not sure they would if they were certifiable Einsteins by the age of 3. Imagine wiping the arse of someone significantly smarter than you. “Father, without wishing to appear rude, uncouth or in any way ungrateful I would strongly suggest that you stick to a clockwise motion to minimize the increased statistical inevitability of your index finger slipping through this competitively priced but ultimately inadequate latrine paper and becoming reacq...

Twice in my regular Sunday night blog I’ve written about parent and child spaces being used by people on their own.  These are the comments I made: 1.People caught parking in the parent and child spaces without kids should be forced to do their weekly shop with teething triplets who haven’t napped. 2.When politely informing a motorist that the parent and child spaces are for parents with children, they often turn out to be a weapons-grade c**t. Both have been met with support and criticism. Those with gripes can be separated into two camps: A. People With No Kids Fair enough. You don’t understand what an absolute pain in the shitpipe it is to try and get a pair of wriggling, screaming, unaccommodating toddlers out of a car into a space more narrow than a hamster’s skinny jeans. (N.B. It’s the extra space we crave, not the proximity to the shop.) You also won’t understand how severe sleep deprivation renders previously simple decisions as confusing...

MONDAY One of my fingers seems to have disappeared from my hand and popped up between my legs. I've tried pulling it back but it won't budge. Will try again tomorrow. TUESDAY I stored some food in my neck ages ago and now I can't find it. I know it's there because it's starting to stink. WEDNESDAY Pulled on that rogue finger again but it seems happy where it is. Beginning to think the big people moved it there because they freak out whenever I try to move it back. THURSDAY Met another baby today. Normally not fussed but liked this one. Made me feel a bit funny. Like when I've had milk and not burped. FRIDAY Today was a very snotty day. It was all over my face and in my mouth. I didn't mind though. If that was on a spoon I reckon I'd eat that stuff. SATURDAY Saw the other baby again today. We had a great wriggle and then threw up on each other. It was brill. SUNDAY Got shoved on the knee of this fat dude in a red sui...

1.I've gained weight quicker than a sleeping bag in the rain. 2.Tidying up isn't a job you can finish - it's a constant work in progress. 3.Sleep is an old friend I've lost touch with. 4.Without coffee I am nothing. 5.When your baby laughs the world makes sense. 6.I've never been skydiving but I can't imagine that experience comes close to the exhilaration of getting both twins to nap simultaneously. 7.My personal standards are now lower than an earthworms arsecheek. I leave the house with stains on my pants most days. 8.Babies give you endless new material to write about but zero time to write it. 9.I'm proud of the NHS. On this day last year we received some heartbreaking news about one of our little boys at a routine pregnancy scan. Due to the diligent, professional and compassionate care we received from NHS staff we now have two healthy, happy babies a year later. Thank you. 10.I'm fucked if I'm staying up ti...

1.If I don’t clean that Jumperoo soon we’re gonna have new life forms growing on it. 2.Controlled crying makes you feel like an evil bastard. 3.Our house is a vortex of missing items. This week alone I’ve lost a camcorder, two shoes and my sanity. 4.The twins babbling to each other is like a Welsh sitcom - entertaining and completely incomprehensible. 5.My most consistent and vivid fantasy these days is about owning a second outdoor bin. 6.Babies find their bibs tastier than their food. Twin babies find their sibling’s food tastier than their own bib and their sibling’s bib tastier than everything. 7.My boys are only 8 months old but I can’t remember the time before they got here. 8.The music on ‘Tiddlers TV’ is more repetitive than Status Quo. 9.It’s really difficult to stop yourself from laughing when both babies are blowing raspberries in public. 10.The hangover I used to get from eight pints of lager, half a bottle of Jack Daniels and three Jage...

MONDAY Big people kept checking my nappy all morning. Then when I finally did a poo they found it disgusting. Not sure what else they were expecting to be honest. TUESDAY Had the most amazing dream last night. About milk, mainly. WEDNESDAY My bum got really sore today and I panicked - thought it was another tooth coming through. Think it's just a rash. THURSDAY Screamed my head off at the shops today. Everyone was staring. It was fantastic. FRIDAY Finally learned how to blow raspberries, properly. None of this dribble-down-your-chin nonsense. That's for amateurs. SATURDAY I wish they’d stop wiping my face after meals. What if I want to save some for later? Wipe my bum all day long but keep your hands off the face. SUNDAY The big people gave me cuddles today when I was sad. Felt much better. Think I’m starting to warm to them. I'm a stand up comic and new dad to twins. Click here to follow my parenting blog on Facebook. (Or go to ...

1.The grime inside a baby’s neck folds is worse than anything found on a nightclub floor. 2.Coffee is more important than oxygen. 3. People caught parking in the parent & child spaces without kids should be forced to do their weekly shop with teething triplets who haven't napped. 4.Dirty nappies after solids get a very bad press. I’m a fan. 5.It’s possible to get so excited about going to sleep that you can’t sleep. 6.Babies should be born with teeth. 7.If something looks like poo and smells like poo, it’s poo. 8.If something looks like Marmite and smells like Marmite, it’s poo. 9. Walking round in public with baby sick stains on your crotch is only acceptable if people see you’re with a baby, otherwise you’re just a weirdo. 10.Playing with my kids is amazing but nap time is even better. FOLLOW MY BLOG ON FACEBOOK 11.Running out of baby wipes mid-change is scarier than any of the Saw movies. 12.It’s pointless emptying t...

*stands in the kitchen in my running gear* Christ, these shorts are tight. Feel like Daisy Duke. Need to sort a playlist first. Rage Against the Machine? Too rocky. Rocky? Ah, the Rocky soundtrack. Never fails. I can feel the calories burning off already. *spends 20 minutes building a playlist* Where are my running shoes? This house is a shithole, I’m surprised we haven’t misplaced one of the kids yet. When did I last wear them? Feel like I’ve not exercised since puberty. As usual, they’re in the porch. And yes, they stink. No surprise there. Smell like cheesy puffs. That porch is filled with spiders, I bet they’ve all crawled into my shoes. Little bastards. *puts shoes on in* Bloody hell. I’m knackered. Arthritic hippos move with more grace than me. Shall I not bother? No, I’ve got to do this. I’m growing tits here. Best do some stretches first. Although you’re not supposed to stretch cold muscles are you? But I have just run down the stairs so I’m...

(Read #8 here) 1.When choosing which twin to take in the swimming baths it’s always good to choose the one who’s already had a massive dump. 2.Prams should come equipped with big fuck off horns. 3.Repeating the word ‘sleep’ to your baby in different accents of varying quality is not effective in the slightest. 4.When shouting ‘HELLO BOYS!’ to your sons in a camp voice down the hands free phone in your stationary, open-windowed car, it’s good to check first if there’s several butch men standing nearby who may misinterpret you. 5.You can be so exhausted that your face changes shape. 6.The most romantic thing I can do for my wife these days is move the baby monitor to my side of the bed. 7.You can’t use reverse psychology on a 7 month old. 8.If I could teach my sons just one thing it would be that sleep is really good for you when you’re tired. (Like, REALLY good.) 9.You should always remove socks before changing a nappy. Always. 10.‘How many poos ...

Please don't get embarrassed, No need to freak out, But I've had a big lunch, And its one-in, one-out, Don't look so worried I'm never in pain, But at least once a day, I must squeeze and strain. I'm only a baby, So must make some space, And the moment I do, I will STARE at your face. I'm a stand up comic and new dad to twins. You can click here to follow me on Facebook where I post all my blogs, memes and other blatherings about parenthood. (Or go to the top right of this page) 

(Read #3 here) 1.Parents who tell you their kids 'always sleep right through' are pure dicks. 2.After seven hours straight with babies it’s REALLY difficult to talk to another adult without wanting to squeeze their cheeks and make noises like a lunatic. 3.I don't know what the adult equivalent of Calpol is but I need to get my hands on some. 4.Reflux causes more delays than a Tube strike. 5.Opening picture messages from your wife should be done discretely as they may contain a photo of your son's first actual turd. 6.I've forgotten what the bottom of our laundry basket looks like. 7.Nappy rash can seem worse than it is - my son's rump looked like The Rolling Stones logo all week but he was fine. 8.Nothing makes you feel more middle class than a baby massage class. 9.Shouting 'COOL DOWN YOU BASTARD' at a bowl of baby porridge has little or no effect. 10. Failure to tie both ends of the bag inside the nappy bin prop...

(Read #2 here) 1.I'd rather do my tax return on a roller coaster than look after twins with a hangover. 2.‘The Wheels on the Bus’ is a truly terrible song. They probably use it in Guantanamo Bay. 3.No matter how long you wait, the bathroom doesn't start to self-clean itself like white people with dreadlocks tell you their hair does. 4.A baby's neck-folds is a legitimate place to check for lost property. 5.My comment two weeks ago about being a fan of solid food poos was hopelessly premature. They are rank. 6.A 6 month old can kick you hard enough in the knackers to doubt you’ll ever give them more siblings. 7.Whoever designed babies is a dick. "I know! When they need to sleep really badly I'll programme them to get incredibly angry so that sleep is impossible!” 8.The 'Calpol Spritzer' that the wife joked about sounds pretty tempting. 9.I love my kids more than anything in the world. 10. I’d love them a little bit mor...

(Read #1 here) 1.Running out of baby wipes mid-change is scarier than any of the Saw movies. 2.It’s pointless emptying the nappy bin as it will always be full. Always. 3.Joking to your wife that you really appreciate her ‘doing her 49% share of everything’ is definitely not funny. 4.Nothing can prepare you for the first time they poo in the bath. It’s horrific. 5.Trying to find the right position to soothe a crying baby is like trying to find phone signal at a music festival. 6.Some baby bowel movements are like an exorcism – pain – fear – relief. Followed by unbridled joy. 7.The smell of a bad nappy lingers in your house longer than the last few coffee Quality Streets at Christmas. 8.It’s possible to drink that much coffee you can hear your teeth. 9.Few things are sadder than reaching for a bottle of wine from the rack and remembering that’s now where you store the kitchen roll. 10.Nothing brings you back down to earth quicker after a really go...

1.The grime inside a baby’s neck folds is worse than anything found on a nightclub floor. 2.Coffee is more important than oxygen. 3.Someone has told my lads that solid food is ingested via the ears and nose. 4.Dirty nappies after solids get a very bad press. I’m a fan. 5.It’s possible to get so excited about going to sleep that you can’t sleep. 6.Babies should be born with teeth. 7.If something looks like poo and smells like poo, it’s poo. 8.If something looks like Marmite and smells like Marmite, it’s poo. 9.Both twins simultaneously weeing in the bath to create a live water feature is much funnier than I thought. 10.Playing with my kids is amazing but nap time is just as amazing (and sometimes more so). (Read #2 here) I'm a stand up comic and new dad to twins. You can click here to follow me on Facebook where I post all my blogs, memes and other blatherings about parenthood. Or go to the top right of this page. If the mood takes you, y...

I’ve been in loads of pukey situations in my life – lads holidays, rugby tours, choppy boat trips. I even once watched a Celine Dion DVD. But I have never experienced a variety of puking as diverse as since my twins were born. 1.The Seagull They’ve only just fed but you can’t resist holding them aloft like Superman. It’s so cute! Until on the third swoop they vomit like a drain all over your face. You’re an idiot and you deserve every drop. 2.The Snail Trail Moves down your back slower than a Child Benefit back-payment, leaving a nasty stream behind it. Normally starts on your shoulder and can end anywhere as low as your calf or ankle. 3.The Low Blow Puke all over your crotch. Easily the worst place to have a visible stain so you can guarantee this will only happen in Starbucks. 4.The Fangs Two dribbles, one each side of the mouth. You feed them. You look away. You look back and they’ve turned into baby Dracula. 5.The Beppe Similar to The Fangs but with a...