Sam Avery

MONDAY Woke up early to plan new ways to twat my head. Came up with seven. Executed four and improvised the rest. TUESDAY Listen, Daddy. I know where my nose is so you should frigging well know where yours is – stop asking me all the time. It’s fucking embarrassing. Look at the end of your face you gormless prick. WEDNESDAY Drank bath water tonight. Tasted like soup. Did a big soapy shite before bed. What a day. THURSDAY Somehow ended up with two dummies for the morning. Then found a third I’d stashed behind the fridge. It was decent once you got past the fluff. Kept swapping between the three. Felt like a King. Then lost one and the other two got confiscated. Felt utterly broken till someone gave me a biscuit. FRIDAY I’ve had it with jigsaws you know. Every time I fix the picture the stupid big people go and wreck it again. They’re so messy. God knows how they live like this. SATURDAY Today I learned to walk a bit! None of this holding-on-to-stuff bollocks either - pro

This week I crept up on comedian Jarred Christmas to chat about long-haul flights, Peppa Pig and co-sleeping. Plus we take a trip to the World Nappy Changing Championships! Listen to this and previous episodes on: iTunes:  goo.gl/gcD6Cs Stitcher:  http://www.stitcher.com/s?fid=90435&refid=stpr Podbean:  http://samavery.podbean.com/e/sam-avery-5-things-i-learned/

1.Told my childless friend I'd had an 'amazing lie in till 7.30am' and he pissed himself laughing. I was deadly serious. 2.In the 18 months since my boys were born I've aged 7 and a half years. 3.Peppa Pig is an obnoxious bitch. 4.Toddlers have bigger ownership issues than BHS. 5.When your child laughs, the world makes sense. (Unless you've just told them off when you'll continue to doubt your abilities as a parent...) Twitter: @samaverycomedy

Earlier this week I recorded part of a BBC1 documentary with none other than Alison Steadman! What a friendly, funny woman she is. The show is called 'Housing the Past' and our episode examined whether some of the suburban stereotypes of the 60's & 70's still ring true today. Find out if they do when it airs next February...

1.The most utterly pointless thing I've ever done is clean the floor. 2.With kids you are never 'ON TIME', merely 'NOT LATE YET'. 3.It's easier to eat soup with a fork than herd multiple toddlers in the same direction. 4.There's been more head banging in our house this week than a Black Sabbath gig. 5.I've never taken acid but I have watched In The Night Garden. Follow my blog on Facebook here ...

My guest on this week's episode is the comedian Chris Cairns. We spoke about clown attacks, bunking on the train to Wales and managing his daughter's transition from childhood to young adult. Get it on: iTunes:  goo.gl/gcD6Cs Stitcher:  http://www.stitcher.com/s?fid=90435&refid=stpr Podbean:  http://samavery.podbean.com/e/sam-avery-5-things-i-learned/

Forget beautiful sunsets or snow on Christmas Day - my favourite sight in the whole world (even more than my kids themselves) is two empty plates at the end of a meal. (What this pic doesn't show is the rest of the food all over the bastard floor...) 1.Toddlers never run out of fresh creative ways to twat their head into stuff. 2.Applying logic to a child is as pointless as applying sun cream to a piece of toast. 3.Using the bathroom in our house feels like that bit at the safari park when the baboons jump all over your car. 4."Don't dip your spoon in someone else's porridge" sounds like a filthy euphemism. 5.Toddler's moods are like the British weather: constantly changing, hard to predict and guaranteed to ruin a picnic. 6.I spend my entire time at soft play areas ensuring my children don't attack other children. 7.Your child doing a nuclear-level shite as you've just handed them over to your partner on your way out the h

So, I haven't written a blog for a while and that's mainly because the Liverpool Comedy Festival has been running. And I'm the Artistic Director of the whole thing so it's a fairly hectic time as you can imagine! Anyway, the whole thing went incredibly well and I even managed to squeeze in a live version of the podcast as part of the Funny Looking Fringe - here's a sneak preview with my guest Helen Keeler, talking about parenting, autism and bipolar disorder: To listen to the whole thing and subscribe go to: iTunes:  goo.gl/gcD6Cs Stitcher:  http://www.stitcher.com/s?fid=90435&refid=stpr Podbean:  http://samavery.podbean.com/e/sam-avery-5-things-i-learned/