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Showing posts from November, 2015

The Secret Diary of a 7 Month Old (Part 8)

MONDAY Big people kept checking my nappy all morning. Then when I finally did a poo they found it disgusting. Not sure what else they were expecting to be honest. TUESDAY Had the most amazing dream last night. About milk, mainly. WEDNESDAY My bum got really sore today and I panicked - thought it was another tooth coming through. Think it's just a rash. THURSDAY Screamed my head off at the shops today. Everyone was staring. It was fantastic. FRIDAY Finally learned how to blow raspberries, properly. None of this dribble-down-your-chin nonsense. That's for amateurs. SATURDAY I wish they’d stop wiping my face after meals. What if I want to save some for later? Wipe my bum all day long but keep your hands off the face. SUNDAY The big people gave me cuddles today when I was sad. Felt much better. Think I’m starting to warm to them. I'm a stand up comic and new dad to twins. Click here to follow my parenting blog on Facebook. (Or go to

101 Things I've Learned As A Parent

1.The grime inside a baby’s neck folds is worse than anything found on a nightclub floor. 2.Coffee is more important than oxygen. 3. People caught parking in the parent & child spaces without kids should be forced to do their weekly shop with teething triplets who haven't napped. 4.Dirty nappies after solids get a very bad press. I’m a fan. 5.It’s possible to get so excited about going to sleep that you can’t sleep. 6.Babies should be born with teeth. 7.If something looks like poo and smells like poo, it’s poo. 8.If something looks like Marmite and smells like Marmite, it’s poo. 9. Walking round in public with baby sick stains on your crotch is only acceptable if people see you’re with a baby, otherwise you’re just a weirdo. 10.Playing with my kids is amazing but nap time is even better. FOLLOW MY BLOG ON FACEBOOK 11.Running out of baby wipes mid-change is scarier than any of the Saw movies. 12.It’s pointless emptying t

My First Jog Since the Twins Were Born

*stands in the kitchen in my running gear* Christ, these shorts are tight. Feel like Daisy Duke. Need to sort a playlist first. Rage Against the Machine? Too rocky. Rocky? Ah, the Rocky soundtrack. Never fails. I can feel the calories burning off already. *spends 20 minutes building a playlist* Where are my running shoes? This house is a shithole, I’m surprised we haven’t misplaced one of the kids yet. When did I last wear them? Feel like I’ve not exercised since puberty. As usual, they’re in the porch. And yes, they stink. No surprise there. Smell like cheesy puffs. That porch is filled with spiders, I bet they’ve all crawled into my shoes. Little bastards. *puts shoes on in* Bloody hell. I’m knackered. Arthritic hippos move with more grace than me. Shall I not bother? No, I’ve got to do this. I’m growing tits here. Best do some stretches first. Although you’re not supposed to stretch cold muscles are you? But I have just run down the stairs so I’m

10 Things I've Learned as a Parent This Week (#10)

(Read #9 here) 1.When your baby cries because they’re tired it’s very tempting to join in. 2.The next complete stranger to ask how my twins were conceived is getting slapped. 3.Our laundry basket is like an endlessly erupting linen volcano. 4.Your baby suddenly opening their eyes as you creep in to kiss them goodnight is scarier than any horror movie villain. 5.Even hearing your child scream suddenly from the next room still doesn’t make it any easier to stop a wee in full flow. 6.You know you’re tired when a sex scene comes on the TV and you think, ‘ooh…that bed looks comfy...’ 7.If burglars broke into our house I’d only notice when they inevitably couldn’t find their way out of the mess and had to shout for help. 8.My boys would rather have their bums wiped with sandpaper than their faces cleaned with a wet wipe. 9.Small muslin cloths are less than pointless. 10.After writing several posts about your babies puking, pooing and dribbling on your

The Secret Diary of a 7 Month Old (Part 7)

MONDAY More visitors today. One of them had the worst breath and kept kissing me on the cheek. Puked right down his jumper sleeve. He won’t come near me again in a hurry. TUESDAY Still haven’t pooed. Been about four days now. I’m sure this isn’t right. I should probably speak to someone. WEDNESDAY Managed to store some food in my neck folds for a snack later. They’ll never find it there. THURSDAY Woke up dead early this morning singing. Everyone got out of bed. I went straight back to sleep. Who doesn’t love early mornings? FRIDAY MY TOOTH! IT’S HERE! Thank god the pain is over and I can just get on with my life. Celebrated by putting stuff in my mouth all day. SATURDAY Big people fed me but then went on to feed themselves. Seemed really selfish to me. I kept opening my mouth really wide but they wouldn’t share. Good job I stashed some food in my neck again. SUNDAY Got taken out and put in a massive bath today with loads of other people. They dunk

10 Things I've Learned as a Parent This Week (#9)

(Read #8 here) 1.When choosing which twin to take in the swimming baths it’s always good to choose the one who’s already had a massive dump. 2.Prams should come equipped with big fuck off horns. 3.Repeating the word ‘sleep’ to your baby in different accents of varying quality is not effective in the slightest. 4.When shouting ‘HELLO BOYS!’ to your sons in a camp voice down the hands free phone in your stationary, open-windowed car, it’s good to check first if there’s several butch men standing nearby who may misinterpret you. 5.You can be so exhausted that your face changes shape. 6.The most romantic thing I can do for my wife these days is move the baby monitor to my side of the bed. 7.You can’t use reverse psychology on a 7 month old. 8.If I could teach my sons just one thing it would be that sleep is really good for you when you’re tired. (Like, REALLY good.) 9.You should always remove socks before changing a nappy. Always. 10.‘How many poos

The Secret Diary of a 7 Month Old (Part 6)

(Read Part 5 here) MONDAY Cried all afternoon. Big people wanted me to sleep but I was far too tired for that. TUESDAY Puked on three different outfits today just as they got me into them. Made the big person cry. Felt guilty which made me do a poo. It leaked. Felt even more guilty. Puked again. Went to sleep. WEDNESDAY Getting sick of complete strangers squeezing my cheeks. Here’s an idea – if I don’t know you, don’t touch my face. How does that sound? THURSDAY Managed to burp, puke and then sneeze all over the sofa. What a mess. But what a feeling! FRIDAY Got taken to a fancy room with loads of lights and mirrors and stuff to touch. Was so excited. Slept right through it. SATURDAY Don’t think I’ve pooed for a while. I used to poo all the time. Should I be worried? SUNDAY Laughed properly today, like one of the big people. It felt amazing. Then got tired and screamed the house down. Life is so confusing. I'm a stand up comic and new

'The Poo Stare'

Please don't get embarrassed, No need to freak out, But I've had a big lunch, And its one-in, one-out, Don't look so worried I'm never in pain, But at least once a day, I must squeeze and strain. I'm only a baby, So must make some space, And the moment I do, I will STARE at your face. I'm a stand up comic and new dad to twins. You can click here to follow me on Facebook where I post all my blogs, memes and other blatherings about parenthood. (Or go to the top right of this page) 

10 Things I've Learned as a Parent This Week (#8)

(Read #7 here) 1.Putting eye drops into a wriggling seven month old is harder than playing Jenga on the bus. 2.Just because a song from a toy is catchy doesn't mean it's good. Ebola is catchy. 3.Your kids being born is the best day of your life but getting a tumble dryer comes a very close second. 4.Wearing your wife's maternity pants 'as a joke' can open your mind to new experiences. 5.Traffic Wardens are not sympathetic to the plight of teething twins at home. 6.Teething Twins is a great name for a 1980's New Romantic band. 7.We need to clean between the sofa cushions more often. I found some baby sick so old it needed carbon dating. 8.Humming the Benny Hill theme during nap time gets your jobs done quicker. 9.Between dusk and dawn my foot becomes a magnet for squeaky floorboards. 10.Getting a baby to sleep when they're full of snot is tougher than a Wetherspoon's steak. (Read #9 here) I'm a stand up

The Secret Diary of a 7 Month Old (Part 5)

MONDAY Brilliant afternoon in the back of the car – managed to cough so much I did a poo. It leaked all over my clothes and ended up on the seat. It was so funny. Big people have no sense of humour. TUESDAY They tried to get me to hold my own bottle today. I’m sorry but that’s their job, not mine. Managed to make my feelings very clear on the matter. WEDNESDAY The big people have GOT to stop singing at me. I can’t take it anymore. Especially when the hairy one joins in. At least learn some new songs. I don’t care about Old MacDonald. I don’t even know who he is. THURSDAY Stared at the lamp in the lounge for ages today. It’s so beautiful. I could look at it forever. FRIDAY Got bored of the lamp today so they put me on my tummy. Ended up puking and rolling my head in it which was great fun. SATURDAY Teeth were really hurting again but they gave me this tiny pink drink that made me proper happy. Had the best sleep ever. Need to get my hands on that stuff a

10 Things I've Learned as a Parent This Week (#7)

(Read #6 here) 1.I don’t care that the daughter of your friend’s sister had twins. I’m just a man in Asda trying to buy milk. 2.Walking round in public with baby sick stains on your crotch is only acceptable if people see you’re with a baby, otherwise you’re just a weirdo. 3.Your baby pooing in the bath stops being funny after the 11th time. 4.Until you’ve put a four-day old soiled muslin cloth to your nose to check if it’s clean you have no idea what the phrase ‘rank smell’ means. No idea at all. 5.Pureed roast dinners are well nice. 6.On the right day, after the wrong night, running out of coffee can make you want to weep uncontrollably. 7.Imitating your son’s ‘Poo Stare’ will scare your wife more than any trick or treaters. 8.A baby that won’t nap is more stubborn than the last bit of ketchup in the jar. 9.Making my 7 month old twins laugh uncontrollably with a silly noise feels better than making 500 strangers laugh with a crafted routine. 1