Sam Avery

1.I'd rather see my child's empty plate at the end of a meal than my lottery numbers come up. 2.A toddler can spot stray dummies like a hawk spots field mice. 3.Kids get pop up book. Kids wreck pop up book Parents buy new pop up book. Kids totally fucking destroy new book in seconds. 4.I should have tried a breast milk latte while I had the chance. 5.Reading a book to your child that you haven't already previously read 4,947 times is INCREDIBLE. Sign up to my mailing list via the link on the right hand side or follow my blog on Facebook , Twitter or Instagram .

1.In The Night Garden is so fucked up it makes The Tellytubbies seem like a documentary. 2.When politely informing a motorist that the parent and child spaces are for parents with children, they often turn out to be a weapons-grade c**t. 3.If leaving the house goes from concept to reality in less than an hour then you’ve definitely forgotten something. 4.Nowadays me and the wife have to schedule sex in with at least five full working days notice and a complete veto allowed at any time from either party. 5.Last night's sleep was less satisfying than Ryvita. 6.Some days I feel more broken than a pack of biscuits that's been lashed down a flight of stairs. 7.This week, WITH GOD AS MY WITNESS, I'm gonna clean the inside of our bin. 8."We'd like you to stay forever, Or longer if you can..." The Furchesters may actually be serial killers. 9.It takes longer to get the toys out of the empty bath than to run it. 10.The world ...

1.Paying £40 a day for nursery when your kid is too ill to go because of a bug they caught at nursery smarts like a kick in the knackers. 2.6 hours unbroken sleep feels like a gift from the gods. 3.At 4.35am Tellytubbies makes complete sense. 4.The closest thing to dirty talk when you've got kids is your wife suggesting you order a Domino's and eat it in bed. 5.One of the most magical sounds is hearing your partner and kids laughing their head off together in the next room.

Having kids is easy.  All you have to do is feed them, change them, keep them safe, teach them right from wrong, educate them on manners, ensure they're polite, pay for everything, teach them how to talk, help them with homework, help them move out, cover their university fees, help them move back in, pay for their wedding, approve of their spouse and bite your lip when they make terrible life choices. And after all that, you'll probably have to look after THEIR kids a bit.  Piece of piss.. I've started a parenting podcast called '5 Things I Learned' and you can get it on iTunes  here...

1.When you have kids you start to view sleep in the same way you used to view sex – often thinking about it, not getting enough and happy to do it on the bus. 2.If Eskimos have a thousand words for 'snow' then new parents should have at least a million words for 'tired'. 3.Being a parent is like being a Premier League manager. Full of stress, quick decisions & everyone thinks they could do a better job than you. 4.After a week of sleep more disrupted than a Virgin train service your energy levels will resemble those of a diabetic sloth that’s cutting out caffeine for Lent. 5.It's a REALLY stupid idea to complain to your wife about a sore neck (caused by too many pillows in the hotel) after she's spent the night from hell on her own with two poorly twins. (Please vote for me in the MAD Blog Awards 2016...you can cast your vote in Best Baby Blog and Best New Blog by clicking here .)

MONDAY Shat myself awake again this morning. Not a great start to the week really. TUESDAY Managed to get myself into a standing position today. Honestly, never felt so alive! Was on top of the world. Shouting and laughing. Then realised I couldn’t get down and cried into the sofa till I fell over. WEDNESDAY If I do have to wear clothes when we leave the house, fine. But at least let me pick them. They’re obsessed with dinosaurs and stupid trains on everything. Why can’t I have something I like on the front of my jumper? Like glasses. I love grabbing those things. THURSDAY Got really angry today. For no reason. It felt good. Started laughing. This made me sad. Cried for a bit. Being me is exhausting. FRIDAY I wish they’d stop wiping my face all the time. Not everyone hates snot. It gives me character. Come to think of it, they’d look better with a bit of it on their face. Will share some tomorrow. I’ve got loads to go round. SATURDAY Debuted my crawling...

1.Parenthood is a crafty bastard - the second you master something it changes the game so you're shit at it again. 2.There's more chance of a Rabbi eating bacon than a baby eating something they loved yesterday but have already decided they hate today for NO FUCKING REASON WHATSOEVER. 3.A really bad nappy change can leave you emotionally scarred. 4.Over time, enough dried Weetabix on the floor makes your kitchen look like it's been cobbled. 5.The most heartbreaking part of leaving your baby at nursery is paying the bill. 6.Playing 'pass the dummy' with your son directly into your mouth is both beautiful and absolutely disgusting. 7.Your baby deciding to shit in instalments means on that particular day, there are no winners. 8.A nap in my car at a motorway services is the closest I'll get to a spa break. 9.Nothing on the planet is as fearless as a baby that's just learned to crawl. Our house is currently like mini-Jackass. ...

1.I cannot believe I EVER complained about being tired pre-kids. 2.That moment when you think there's something seriously wrong with your baby but quickly realise they're just having a massive shite. Ridiculous. 3.The key to cleaning Weetabix off the floor is not to leave it for 10 days. 4.I'm struggling to come to terms with the fact my next lie in will be in 2026. 5.I can recite all the words to The Furchester Hotel yet struggle remembering my own PIN number. 6.They should make talking baby toys swear. Just once or twice a year to keep us interested. 7.I could pick out the noise of a dummy hitting the floor in the middle of an earthquake. 8.Putting shoes on a baby will make you twice as late. 9.I could shave a chimp with ADHD quicker than I can dress my son. 10.Only if they ever make me a grandad will my boys truly understand how much I love them. I'm a finalist in the MAD Blog Awards 2016 and you can vote for me in both ...

1.I've got to remember to lick my fingers to open the nappy bag *before* I change the rancid nappy. 2.To all the people who've done naff all to help while I've struggled through a tricky doorway with a double buggy - I hope you get piles. 3.The Cookie Monster needs to be tested for Type 2 diabetes. 4.Netflix should launch a service for babies and just show washing machines, leaves blowing about and adults sneezing. 5.Changing the height of a cot on your own takes fucking ages. 6.A baby has the ability to be more uncooperative than a 3 wheeled trolley on a cobbled street. 7.This time last year one of the twins had a serious operation. Today I put a coat on him. The coat made him cry more. 8.I need a wardrobe safe from the kids filthy hands and dribble. Somewhere locked away in the corner of the loft, surrounded by water. I'll put my clean sock there. 9.Step 8 of any flat-pack furniture instructions tends to be 'discuss possible divorc...