Sam Avery

*ROUSING ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS AS DRONE CAMERA FOOTAGE PANS THROUGH FRONT DOOR OF SEMI-DETACHED HOUSE. WE SEE TOTAL DESTRUCTION IN THE HALLWAY. THE TV IS BLASTING ACROSS THE EMPTY LOUNGE. BISCUIT CRUMBS ARE SCATTERED ACROSS THE SOFA. COUNTLESS STAINS ARE VISIBLE ON THE CARPET* VOICEOVER: To the untrained eye, this modest property is merely a run-of-the-mill suburban dwelling. But these crude crayon etchings across the wall tell a very different story. For this house is one filled to the brim with conflict, dispute and illogical misunderstandings. This house, is the home of toddlers. *CLOSE UP SHOT OF CHILD LYING ON KITCHEN FLOOR KICKING LEGS AND REFUSING TO LET GO OF A SPATULA* VOICEOVER: And no other life form on the planet is as thoroughly uncooperative as the human toddler. *SHOT OF CHILD SAYING NO TO A DRINK THEN YELLING WHEN THEY AREN’T GIVEN ONE. THEN LOSING THE PLOT WHEN GIVEN ONE IN WRONG CUP* *CUT TO WIDE SHOT OF KITCHEN* VOICEOVER: Here we see th...

Twice in my regular Sunday night blog I’ve written about parent and child spaces being used by people on their own.  These are the comments I made: 1.People caught parking in the parent and child spaces without kids should be forced to do their weekly shop with teething triplets who haven’t napped. 2.When politely informing a motorist that the parent and child spaces are for parents with children, they often turn out to be a weapons-grade c**t. Both have been met with support and criticism. Those with gripes can be separated into two camps: A. People With No Kids Fair enough. You don’t understand what an absolute pain in the shitpipe it is to try and get a pair of wriggling, screaming, unaccommodating toddlers out of a car into a space more narrow than a hamster’s skinny jeans. (N.B. It’s the extra space we crave, not the proximity to the shop.) You also won’t understand how severe sleep deprivation renders previously simple decisions as confusing...

1.It’s a good job babies are cute because several aspects of them are beyond gross. 2.My sons ‘poo stare’ becomes more disturbing by the day. I’m sure he’s squeezing them out sideways. 3.The stench from a burst nappy bag will make you yearn for the sweet aroma of an open sewer. 4.Crossing a busy road with a pram feels like a real life game of Frogger. 5.Apparently to an 8 month old ‘go to sleep’ means ‘do a James Brown impression for the next forty minutes.’ 6.Some baby pukes have the force of an angry power shower. 7.Parenthood makes your personal standards plummet quicker than a damp paper aeroplane. 8.You can be so tired your face droops like a novelty candle. 9.My willpower towards food when I’m exhausted is weaker than a field mouse with M.E. 10.Brushing your baby’s first tooth makes you realise with a heavy heart that they really do grow up too fast. I'm a stand up comic and new dad to twins. Click here to follow my parenting blog on F...