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Showing posts from September, 2018


At the park. I drop my ice cream. Start crying.  Pick it up. Lick it. Get gravel in mouth. Cry more. Drop ice cream again. Start screaming. Try to pick it up again. Some dog runs over. He wolfs it down. I’m inconsolable. The world is a bastard. Everyone in it is a bastard. But this dog is a mega-bastard. Dog gets ice cream headache. I laugh at the prick. Justice is sweet. But dog hears me laughing. Stops dead. Slowly turns his head towards me. Try to hide my glee. But he catches me smirking. I stop smirking. Dog moves closer. Tilting his head. With fire in his eyes. I panic and start whistling while checking my watch. Acting all inconspicuous. But I don’t wear a watch. And I can’t whistle. So the dog is onto me. He starts growling. Baring his teeth. And inching still closer. I shit myself. Only metaphorically speaking. If you don’t count the poo that I did. In my shorts. That dropped onto the gravel. Like an anal grenade. Forcing the dog to retreat. Take that you foul beast! Don’t


MONDAY ‘Aww, have you had an accident?’ IT’S NOT AN ACCIDENT IF I DID IT ON PURPOSE, DICKSPLATS. Consider that a dirty protest. TUESDAY This potty training reward chart is so patronising. Pissed myself today on principle. WEDNESDAY Fair play, whoever renovates our house from a post-apocalyptic shit tip into something vaguely inhabitable while I’m in bed deserves all the plaudits. Hope the Big People are grateful to whoever that poor fucker is. THURSDAY Mummy needs to understand that when I scream: ‘MUMMMMMMY! FIX ITTTT!’ what I’m trying to convey is: ‘Mother, I have observed that you are presently attempting to transport a rancid potty that brims with hot piss whilst struggling with the upstairs baby gate, but could you please just give me some small assurance that when your current task concludes satisfactorily you will assist me in fast-forwarding these tiresome YouTube ads in order that I may continue to watch Little Baby Bum videos that will ultimately rot my


Had my first anxiety dream about the tour last night - despite everyone having tickets nobody turned up because there was a national babysitters strike... 😂   (I had no pants on either but that’s standard for anxiety dreams isn’t it, guys? Guys?) So please do ensure you book a non-unionised babysitter before getting your tickets here: Tour starts in October and runs through till next March. Can’t wait to see some of you there.  👍 🤓

Shout Out to my Wife

Shout out to my wife for loudly & falsely accusing me of farting in front of the whole Aldi till queue. Honourable mentions to my 3 yr old who definitely did it but didn’t come forward and the shop assistant who glared at me like I’d slapped an orphan.  # makingmemories


Went the park today to feed the ducks. We took peas because bread is supposed to ‘fuck with them’ (technical term) and also we secretly aspire to one day be considered middle class.  Anyway, the ducks didn’t give two shites about our frozen peas and instead made a bee line for the smelly guy next to us who had loads of stale Hovis (mmmm!) so the kids got ratty and one nearly rolled into the pond, possibly to retrieve our peas from the feathered ingrates.  There was a massive sign up saying ‘DO NOT FEED BREAD TO THE DUCKS’ but I’m almost certain the ducks didn’t put this up because they couldn’t get enough of the stuff.  This photo also looks a bit like I’ve just sat myself down next to a random family.