HERE'S MY 10 ESSENTIALS FOR NEW PARENTS: A bottle making machine – it’s 2015 and we have amazing things like WiFi and stuffed crust pizza so why struggle with manually getting the temperature of your baby milk perfect? Loads of bibs, and not Velcro ones as they attack all the other washing in the machine like sticky parasitic bastards. A Moses basket that doesn't creak like a listed building every time your baby farts at 3 in the morning. At least 450 muslin cloths. A baby sick coloured carpet for minimal stain visibility. A baby sick coloured sofa. A range of baby sick coloured clothes (if you don’t have them already, you’ll have them soon enough) More clothes for your baby than even Madonna would have – they’ll never stop finding new and inventive ways to soil them. Something to cover your boy’s willie when you’re changing his nappy – stops him whazzing all over himself which is never nice to see, even though he seems to quite like it.