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Showing posts from May, 2018

The Secret Diary of a 3 Year Old

MONDAY Hottest day of the year so Daddy left my rancid nappy in the car all day with the windows closed. Mummy opened the door and had to fight back tears as we were hit with a stench so unspeakably foul that many insurance brokers would have considered the vehicle a complete write-off. Daddy remarked how the car had become ‘a giant Dutch oven’ which has totally put me off visiting the Netherlands. TUESDAY Gonna set up a Trip Advisor site for baby change facilities. Some of those places need a good old fashioned rinsing - primarily with hot water, but also via angry, misspelt online comments. WEDNESDAY I’ve been told to prepare for potty training. They’ve been told to prepare to play fecal hopscotch across the kitchen every morning. THURSDAY Curled one out into the potty and everyone cheered. The big-match atmosphere inspired me to jump up and bend straight over for cleaning but I got my angles wrong like a goalie who’s misjudged a corner and somehow managed to

The Secret Diary of a 3 Year Old

MONDAY Had a dream that I ruled the world. Everyone did exactly what I said and I got away with absolute murder. It was just like when the grandparents look after me. TUESDAY When Mummy dresses me I look awesome but when Daddy does it he just grabs whatever’s nearest. The slovenly shite he threw me in this morning was so mismatched and undersized I half expected him to bundle me into a wheelbarrow and start shouting ‘penny-for-the-guy’ at passers-by. WEDNESDAY Got kicked in the face by some bellwhiff on the slide queue. Top lip was caked in black mud. Daddy asked if I was doing Movember. Fuming. THURSDAY If it takes 10,000 hours of training to become an expert, today I became a virtuoso at clothing avoidance. FRIDAY You know what I love doing? Speaking at normal volume across the opposite side of a busy soft play from Mummy and then getting annoyed that she can’t hear me. SATURDAY Finally went on the Gruffalo trail! Was giddy with excitement as we

UK Tour 2018/19

So, this is happening! Be great to meet some of you there. I'm so excited!  Click here for full schedule and to buy tickets.