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Showing posts from January, 2017

The Secret Diary of a 21 Month Old (Part 30)

MONDAY Did an epic bumsquirt just as we were leaving for Grandma’s. Proper end-of-days stuff. Arse-juice everywhere. Big People got flustered because we were late. What can I say? There’s just something about putting my coat on that makes me want to shite. TUESDAY Got told off today for drawing a beard on the dog. What’s the problem? The dog looked great and didn’t complain once. Plus it was my best felt tip (orange) so it’s quite an assumption from the Big People to say he hated his new look. The combination of being told off plus feeling terrible for the dog missing out on a much-needed fresh image made me do a proper cry. (That one where your face scrunches up and real tears come out rather than the one where you scream and your face turns red like it has nappy rash.) Anyway, I must have looked super cute because the Big People cuddled me straight away and then weirdly, THEY apologized. Interesting, very interesting… WEDNESDAY Got told off again for biting Mummy. Trie

10 Things I Learned as a Parent This Week

1.I hope my son is teething, otherwise he's just a knobhead. 2. Because it turns out you don't have to be two to begin the Terrible Twos. 3.Spending the whole day inside the house with your kids feels like prison. 4.Although at least in prison they let you have a poo in peace. 5.Sometimes I hide from my kids & they don’t realise I’m not playing a game, I'm just hiding. 6. How anyone conceives for a second time is beyond me. Our first have kicked me in the balls so much I'm pretty sure they're broke. 7.Some nights I have horrible dreams about being a parent in the days before on-demand television. 8.Although nowadays sleep feels like an old hobby I’ve drifted away from. 9. When I buy something new I vividly imagine the noise it'll make when the kids smash it. 10.And despite all the above I wouldn’t change a thing. I post my parenting blog to my FB page several times a week...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddl

The Secret Diary of a 21 Month Old (Part 29)

MONDAY Pissed on my favourite book today. Saw the dog doing it once and figured it’s the best way to stop other people reading it. Totally worked as Mummy threw it in the bin. Problem solved. TUESDAY Cried because my favourite book wasn’t on the shelf. Forgot I pissed on it yesterday. Tried rooting through the bin. Daddy stopped me. Held onto the bin for ages while he tried to pull me away. When that didn’t work he used a friendly, logical, convincing and sensible reason for why I should let go. I held on tighter. Ha! Not gonna fall for that rubbish again. WEDNESDAY Went to a party but cried till we left early. Laughed all the way home. Nobody else joined in. THURSDAY Big people seemed confused why I was grumpy this morning. I'd like to see what mood you'd be in if you woke up in a puddle of your own piss. FRIDAY Had SIX absolute meltdowns today. Two at breakfast, three at lunch and two in the car. Is that seven? Okay, I had SEVEN absolute meltdowns t

The Secret Diary of a 21 Month Old (Part 28)

MONDAY Discovered a great new game today called 'Keep Throwing Everything On The Floor Repeatedly For Ages'. (Needs a snappier title but you get the drift.) Big people joined in too. They kept picking everything up so I could keep playing. TUESDAY Reprogrammed the washing machine today. Mid-wash. Fuck knows what I did but it’s not working now. Tried to fix it for them but they wouldn’t let me near the thing. WEDNESDAY Had a great time ripping up my best books. Totally wrecked three of my favourite ones. Got told off by Mummy. Tried to blame the books. Didn’t work. Felt guilty. Mummy left room. Continued ripping books. THURSDAY Had hold of my Peppa Pig doll during a nappy change. Kept me distracted for a while until I grinded her face right into the filth. Big people went nuts and took her away. Really confusing. I thought she liked muddy puddles. FRIDAY The food round here is terrible. And the big people are full of shit - they keep saying it's &#

20 Things I Have Learnt as a Parent of Toddler Twins

1.People who say you should 'enjoy every single moment of parenthood' are at best, unrealistic and at worst, morons. 2.It's easy to get to midday and realise you've not stopped since 6am but have achieved a grand total of naff all. 3.I don't care how strong you think you are, nobody is stronger than a baby that doesn't want to get dressed. 4.It's impossible to tidy the house. You can move things around and put them in different rooms but the house will remain a dump. 5.And there’s more chance of visiting Narnia than seeing the bottom of your laundry basket. 6.People without kids who say they're exhausted can kiss my tired, fat bottom. 7.In fact some days your energy levels resemble those of a diabetic sloth that’s cutting out caffeine for Lent. 8.I told my childless friend I'd had an 'amazing lie in till 7.30am' and he wet himself laughing. I was deadly serious. 9.I now time my morning routine by CBeebies them

The Secret Diary of a 21 Month Old (Part 27)

MONDAY Needed a dump all morning but managed to hold it in till we were leaving the house. They’d just got my coat on and I unleashed hell. Total and utter disruption. It’s great to be so involved in family stuff. TUESDAY Really fancied a moan today but couldn’t find anything to whine about. Spent ages looking but everything was incredibly lovely. Thankfully on my way to bed they wouldn’t let me climb in the oven so I whinged about that. Went to sleep feeling very satisfied. WEDNESDAY This Daddy character keeps asking me what I’m doing all the time. “What are you doing, mate? What you up to?” I’m a toddler you fucking moron. I haven’t got a clue what I’m doing. THURSDAY A bigger kid at the soft play got right in my face today. He roared dead loud, trying to scare me. It worked, I was terrified. He shouldn’t have even been in the toddler bit as he was about five. My heart was in my mouth and I didn’t know whether to cry or run away but luckily while I was planning m

Things I Learned Podcast Ep. 27 with Rob Rouse

My guest this week is the award-winning comedian and star of the tellybox Rob Rouse. He's been on 8 Out of 10 Cats , Dave's One Night Stand and XFM, plus he's got 2 kids so we had a great chat about what he's learned as a parent. Listen and subscribe by clicking one of the links below: iTunes ,  Stitcher  or  Podbean  

10 Things I Learned as a Parent This Christmas

1.BEWARE OF FANCY NEW BUBBLE BATH. It looks lovely on the surface but can mask an underwater shite until it's far too late. 2.Your child’s nap time is perfect for postmen to loudly knock on your door with parcels for the entire street. 3.The best thing about having kids is that even a day of cleaning, furniture building and trips to the tip WITHOUT THEM feels like a two week all inclusive holiday. 4.If your child is on the roundabout and you're not pushing, I'm not pushing. Even if my kid has to sit there, completely stationary. 5.Toddlers are either about to fall over, have just fallen over or are in the process of falling over. 6.Nothing will make you feel more like a dad than spending 10 minutes of Christmas Eve swearing in the loft. 7.If you don’t put washing on on Xmas Day the whole system is fucked. 8.If your twins instantly start fighting over a present you know it's a hit. 9.The Quality Street disappeared by Boxing Day because

5 New Year's Resolutions for Parents (That you won't keep)

 1. YOU WILL LEAVE THE HOUSE EVERY SINGLE DAY, NO MATTER WHAT. You've been up since 5am and planned to go out all day. But now it’s 4.50pm and you're picking dried shit off the carpet in your pyjamas. Face facts - your house is a time vortex and even Nelson Mandela in the 1980’s got out more than you do. 2. YOU WILL NEVER EAT BISCUITS FOR BREAKFAST This is impossible when you’ve had 53 minutes sleep and your will power and sanity have fucked off in a sports car together like Thelma and Louise. You’ll be frantically searching for the branflakes but instead the Jaffa Cakes will be there, giving you the eye like the sugary hussies they are. You’ll move your gaze away towards the fruit but those biscuits have you in their tractor beam, undressing you with their eyes. Before you know it you’ll be four biscuits deep, crumbs all over the work surface and tears of shame in your eyes. 3. YOU WILL IMMEDIATELY WASH YOUR SHEETS WHEN YOUR CHILD P

Happy New Year!

As we begin this new year I'd like to send a massive thanks to all of you who've read my blog, liked or shared anything I wrote in 2016. I'm continually amazed at the amount of you out there that enjoy my blatherings and I really appreciate your support. Wishing you and your families a very happy & healthy 2017. Sam x