Skip to main content

20 Things I Have Learnt as a Parent of Toddler Twins

1.People who say you should 'enjoy every single moment of parenthood' are at best, unrealistic and at worst, morons.

2.It's easy to get to midday and realise you've not stopped since 6am but have achieved a grand total of naff all.

3.I don't care how strong you think you are, nobody is stronger than a baby that doesn't want to get dressed.

4.It's impossible to tidy the house. You can move things around and put them in different rooms but the house will remain a dump.

5.And there’s more chance of visiting Narnia than seeing the bottom of your laundry basket.

6.People without kids who say they're exhausted can kiss my tired, fat bottom.

7.In fact some days your energy levels resemble those of a diabetic sloth that’s cutting out caffeine for Lent.

8.I told my childless friend I'd had an 'amazing lie in till 7.30am' and he wet himself laughing. I was deadly serious.

9.I now time my morning routine by CBeebies theme tunes. If I'm not running the shower by the time Octonauts is starting, I'm screwed.

10.Phase 2 of parenthood is when an episode of a kids show comes on and you think, "Ah blooming heck, I've seen this one."

11.And whoever let Postman Pat fly a plane this week should be shot in the face.

12.I love my kids more than anything in the world.

13.But I’d love them even more if they’d nap properly.

14.Getting your baby to nap is like a game of Snakes and Ladders. One wrong move and you're back to the beginning.

15.When remarking "they've gone down well tonight" it's best to check you've turned the baby monitor on first.

16.Often you’ll panic that there's something seriously wrong with your baby but then realise they're just having a massive poo.

17.Some nappy changes are like Brexit - tonnes of build up, nobody really knows what's going on and a horrible mess to clean up afterwards.

18.Paying £40 a day for nursery when your kid is too ill to go because of a bug they caught at nursery smarts like a kick in the knackers.

19.Parenthood is a crafty beast - the second you master something it changes the game so you're rubbish at it again.

20.When your child laughs the world makes sense.

(I post my regular parenting blogs to my FB page a few times a week...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins...)

Comments

Unknown said…
Lucien Piccard is about the a lot of replica watches acclimatized watchmakers in the accepted society, operating rolex replica out of any amazing host to Switzerland which is alleged your arresting abode affiliated with actual best superior watch, Lucien Piccard is absolutely cloudburst bodies over Eighty seven decades replica watches uk anytime back the time associated with 1923 and actualization been acclaimed apropos abundant assortment of finest akin of superior watches.
Anonymous said…
Good post.
youy said…

You buy a commitment from manufacturers to meet their standards by maintaining the high quality running of your Rolex Watches.If you have any repair needs in the future, you can return to the manufacturer or authorized dealer and be assured that your Original Omega Watches will be treated with the same care with which it was made.A Luxury Breitling Watches is more than just a wristwatch; This is a piece of 1:1 IWC that reflects your personality and personal style - and can be enjoyed for a lifetime.If you’re shopping Hermes handbags online or in a store, don’t be rushed into making a purchase.The buying Rolex Submariner Watches season is here and now is the time to buy you or your loved one a good Christmas gift

Unknown said…
Hi
Guys want to give something really special for your little one? The best thing you can do is to come up with something you made like a handmade baby dress and its matching handmade baby shoes. Not only does this make you appreciate parenting even more, you get to know your child in a more intimate way. See more at-Baby Dress
Thanks
Unknown said…
I have something to share with you!!! There is a great joy in my heart
which I want to share with everyone. My name is Caroline Webb from United
States. I had a misunderstanding with my lover last year which led us to
break up and he never wanted to hear my voice again. He saw a beautiful
woman which he find more prettier than me, but as time went on I met god Dr lucky He is a great spell caster. I contacted him through his email and
explained everything to him. He said that I shouldn't worry, that my lover
will come back to me on his knees begging for forgiveness before 24
hours.My greatest joy now is that he actually came back to me and fell on
his knees begging for forgiveness, and today we are happy and he also cured
my Sister's breast cancer. Do you have any problem? worry no more because
Dr lucky can provide lasting spell solution to any problems:email him Dr luckysolutiontemple@gmail.com or call him +23480139792383 or add him on whats- app +23480139792383

If you want your ex back.

You want to be promoted in your office.

If you want to be cured of HIV, Cancers and other diseases.

You want to be rich.

You want your husband/wife to be yours forever.

If you need financial assistance.

Popular posts from this blog

The Time I Screamed at my Kids

Before my kids arrived I swore I’d never shout at them. But choosing how to approach parenthood before your kids are born is like a caterpillar deciding what kind of butterfly they’re gonna be while they’re still building the cocoon. ‘I’ll still do loads of charity work, of course. And I’ll be REALLY nice to moths too, even though they’ll probably hate me because I’ll be so bloody gorgeous.’ Theory and reality are like sugar and shit. I’ve raised my voice to my kids more times than I can count. Often just to shout ‘STOP SHOUTING!’ which I’m aware doesn’t set a great example. ‘You should NEVER shout at your kids.’ And that’s fine. In theory. Because everything’s fine in theory. The Slimfast diet is a piece of piss until day two when you’ve had three hours sleep and someone offers you a Wagon Wheel. Of course, I never WANT to shout at them. I love them more than words can describe. But those you love are also the ones blessed with the innate ability to boil your piss q

The Time I Smeared Shit on the Duvet

My wife and I developed our parenting systems through trial and error. One of the earliest rules we’d introduced was that if it was after 5am and one of the babies became unsettled, we wouldn’t waste our time trying to get them back down in their cot - we’d just bring them in with us. After a nice cuddle in our bed, they’d normally settle back down, barring the occasional impromptu fanny gouge or affable bollock kick. (Babies are the most violent sleepers on the planet, easily capable of committing GBH in the middle of reaching for their dummy.) Our twins were six months old. I was fast asleep. At least, the deepest sleep you can get once your kids arrive. My pre-kids sleep used to be the nocturnal equivalent of deep sea diving. Nowadays I’m lucky if I can submerge my toes in a puddle. Early on, my sleep was lighter than a Ryvita biscuit who’d been having it off with a helium canister they’d met on Tinder. Everything woke me up. Some nights I’d just lie there, bewi

We Have a Winner!

Ladies and gentlemen - some news! One recipient of my newsletter is now the 'lucky' (ahem) winner of an exclusive gig from me IN THEIR HOUSE! And that person is... Lyn Morter!  Well done, Lyn! (Btw, if anyone from  Ofcom  is reading, you can check the legitimacy of this result via the  Facebook Live video  I did last week.) When I informed Lyn that she'd won she simply said, 'I've never heard of you' and 'How did you get my phone number?' so I'm sure that will be a great gig for everyone. (Only joking. She was thrilled.) Thanks to all of you for entering. But what now, Sam?  I hear you screaming at your smartphones. Well, I'll be taking things a wee bit easier through August, spending some much needed time with my family after all the touring. But just like that former Governor of California of Austrian descent, I'LL BE BACK (sorry) in September with more blogs, videos and general waffle.  I'm also heading b