1.People who say you should 'enjoy every single moment of
parenthood' are at best, unrealistic and at worst, morons.
2.It's easy to get to midday and realise you've not stopped
since 6am but have achieved a grand total of naff all.
3.I don't care how strong you think you are, nobody is
stronger than a baby that doesn't want to get dressed.
4.It's impossible to tidy the house. You can move things
around and put them in different rooms but the house will remain a dump.
5.And there’s more chance of visiting Narnia than seeing
the bottom of your laundry basket.
6.People without kids who say they're exhausted can kiss my
tired, fat bottom.
7.In fact some days your energy levels resemble those of a
diabetic sloth that’s cutting out caffeine for Lent.
8.I told my childless friend I'd had an 'amazing lie in
till 7.30am' and he wet himself laughing. I was deadly serious.
9.I now time my morning routine by CBeebies theme tunes. If
I'm not running the shower by the time Octonauts is starting, I'm screwed.
10.Phase 2 of parenthood is when an episode of a kids show
comes on and you think, "Ah blooming heck, I've seen this one."
11.And whoever let Postman Pat fly a plane this
week should be shot in the face.
12.I love my kids more than anything in the world.
13.But I’d love them even more if they’d nap properly.
14.Getting your baby to nap is like a game of Snakes and
Ladders. One wrong move and you're back to the beginning.
15.When remarking "they've gone down well
tonight" it's best to check you've turned the baby monitor on first.
16.Often you’ll panic that there's something seriously
wrong with your baby but then realise they're just having a massive poo.
17.Some nappy changes are like Brexit - tonnes of build up,
nobody really knows what's going on and a horrible mess to clean up afterwards.
18.Paying £40 a day for nursery when your kid is too ill to
go because of a bug they caught at nursery smarts like a kick in the knackers.
19.Parenthood is a crafty beast - the second you master
something it changes the game so you're rubbish at it again.
20.When your child laughs the world makes sense.
(I post my regular parenting blogs to my FB page a few
times a week...I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins...)
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