Sam Avery

1.The definition of relief is when a noisier child than yours arrives in the restaurant. 2.Since becoming a parent I watch The Walking Dead and think 'Now THAT looks relaxing.' 3.I don't want a 'clean' house anymore. I just want to keep the level of shite to an acceptable level. 4.It's easier to extract a hostage from a warzone than leave the swimming baths with a toddler. 5.If I could preserve & recycle all the food my that ends up on the floor I'd be the new Bob Geldof. 6.Me and the wife don't call it sex anymore, it's now 'The AGM.' 7.Julia Donaldson & Axel Sheffler are the Lennon & McCartney of children's literature. 8.That said, I'd rather change a leaking, rancid nappy than read the fucking Gruffalo again. 9.Aldi is no place for a family day out. 10.Watching your little boys have their minds completely blown as they see snow for the first time is something you will never forget. Twitter: @samave...

1.Told my childless friend I'd had an 'amazing lie in till 7.30am' and he pissed himself laughing. I was deadly serious. 2.In the 18 months since my boys were born I've aged 7 and a half years. 3.Peppa Pig is an obnoxious bitch. 4.Toddlers have bigger ownership issues than BHS. 5.When your child laughs, the world makes sense. (Unless you've just told them off when you'll continue to doubt your abilities as a parent...) Twitter: @samaverycomedy