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Showing posts from July, 2016

Before You Park in the Parent & Child Space, Read This

Twice in my regular Sunday night blog I’ve written about parent and child spaces being used by people on their own.  These are the comments I made: 1.People caught parking in the parent and child spaces without kids should be forced to do their weekly shop with teething triplets who haven’t napped. 2.When politely informing a motorist that the parent and child spaces are for parents with children, they often turn out to be a weapons-grade c**t. Both have been met with support and criticism. Those with gripes can be separated into two camps: A. People With No Kids Fair enough. You don’t understand what an absolute pain in the shitpipe it is to try and get a pair of wriggling, screaming, unaccommodating toddlers out of a car into a space more narrow than a hamster’s skinny jeans. (N.B. It’s the extra space we crave, not the proximity to the shop.) You also won’t understand how severe sleep deprivation renders previously simple decisions as confusing as

10 Things I Learned As A Parent This Week (#43)

1.In The Night Garden is so fucked up it makes The Tellytubbies seem like a documentary. 2.When politely informing a motorist that the parent and child spaces are for parents with children, they often turn out to be a weapons-grade c**t. 3.If leaving the house goes from concept to reality in less than an hour then you’ve definitely forgotten something. 4.Nowadays me and the wife have to schedule sex in with at least five full working days notice and a complete veto allowed at any time from either party. 5.Last night's sleep was less satisfying than Ryvita. 6.Some days I feel more broken than a pack of biscuits that's been lashed down a flight of stairs. 7.This week, WITH GOD AS MY WITNESS, I'm gonna clean the inside of our bin. 8."We'd like you to stay forever, Or longer if you can..." The Furchesters may actually be serial killers. 9.It takes longer to get the toys out of the empty bath than to run it. 10.The world

10 Things I Learned as a Parent This Week (#42)

1.I'd rather wipe my arse with a broken bottle than take a double buggy to Primark on a Saturday. 2.Nothing encourages you to quicken the pace like a baby wet-farting while you change them. 3.My toddler is obsessed with climbing to the highest point in the room. I'm convinced he's part mountain goat. 4.If I shit myself after just getting out the bath I'm furious whereas my son just takes it in his stride. 5.Hey Duggie is the most consistent TV show since The Sopranos. 6.You know you're a knackered parent when you have to go for an X-Ray at the hospital but quite enjoy the sit down and hot cuppa while you wait. 7.Even if I only ate the food my kids refused to try I'd still be a fat bastard. 8.And scoffing all my kid's leftovers means my brand new clothes are so snug they're only fit for bed. I'm currently the best dressed sleeping man in town. 9.Dirty nappies come in all shapes and sizes. I changed one that looked li

Podcast Episode 8 - Brendan Riley

Episode 8 of the podcast is out now! My guest this week is comedian and dad of two, Brendan Riley. We had a great chat about child communication, how he deals with toddler tantrums and some pet theories about human behaviour. Download and subscribe on  iTunes   https://    ,  Stitcher   Podbean

10 Things I Learned as a Parent This Week (#41)

1.The first time you discover your toddler can climb the stairs is TERRIFYING. 2.I've set my alarm tone for 'Celebrate' by Kool and the Gang because if I EVER hear it again it will be cause for a fucking party. 3.Changing sheets the same day that your child pissed on them is nothing to be proud of. (But sadly, I am.) 4.Baby gates are great and all but they can be right pricks sometimes. 5.I'm now scared to flush the toilet after 7pm. 6.Few things in life are as funny as a baby noisily filling their nappy, staring you in the eye and laughing. 7.I've yet to see a bad episode of Hey Duggie. 8.Turns out it wasn't worth spending 20 minutes changing the batteries of that toy the kids are now fucking petrified of. 9.Babies don't realise the louder they protest the more it convinces us they DEFINITELY need a nap. 10.I saw a dummy on the street on Tuesday and went to pick the frigging thing up out of habit. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME

5 Things I Learned as a Parent This Week (#40)

1.Some nappy changes are like Brexit - tonnes of build up, nobody really knows what's going on and there's a horrible mess to clean up afterwards. 2.I love the twins in their Toy Story pj's but I'm not keen on my wife constantly shouting "Awww, look at my little Woody..." 3.Guests who complain at the Furchester Hotel have obviously never stayed at Milton Keynes Travelodge. 4.The quickest way to go from 0 to panic is for a 14 month old to snatch the glasses from your face. 5.The only silver lining to your toddler being under the weather is that at least they want a proper cuddle for a change. 😩 Sign up to get every new blog via email at the top right of my website :)

New Podcast! Episode 6: Iain Christie

Latest episode of my '5 Things I Learned' podcast is available now. My guest this week is the co-host of Radio City Talk's 'Dad's Hour' (and father of two) Iain Christie. Download and subscribe on  iTunes   https://    ,  Stitcher   Podbean Sam x