Skip to main content

10 Things I Learned as a Parent This Week (#41)

1.The first time you discover your toddler can climb the stairs is TERRIFYING.

2.I've set my alarm tone for 'Celebrate' by Kool and the Gang because if I EVER hear it again it will be cause for a fucking party.

3.Changing sheets the same day that your child pissed on them is nothing to be proud of. (But sadly, I am.)

4.Baby gates are great and all but they can be right pricks sometimes.

5.I'm now scared to flush the toilet after 7pm.

6.Few things in life are as funny as a baby noisily filling their nappy, staring you in the eye and laughing.

7.I've yet to see a bad episode of Hey Duggie.

8.Turns out it wasn't worth spending 20 minutes changing the batteries of that toy the kids are now fucking petrified of.

9.Babies don't realise the louder they protest the more it convinces us they DEFINITELY need a nap.

10.I saw a dummy on the street on Tuesday and went to pick the frigging thing up out of habit. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?

Twitter: @samaverycomedy
Facebook: samaverycomedian
Or get each new blog emailed to you by going to the top right of this page :)
Labels:

Comments

WatchesUK said…
When the Chanel Cruise 2017 Cuba collection debuted, I immediately started to hunt for images of the bags. The usual sites we check for photos didn't have closeups of the cheap ralph lauren accessories, and I wanted to see what Chanel did for this monumental show–the first of its kind for an international brand in Cuba. We did find photos to share, finally, and last week Chanel sent over additional photos of Chanel replica sunglasses Cuba Cruise 2017. Missing from the images they sent was the Chanel Rainbow Boy Bag, which was one of the stand-out bags of the collection. The minute I spotted it from on the runway, I loved it and knew many of you would be intrigued cheap ray ban as well. Luckily, if that bag is what you fancy, I come bearing good news: I spoke with Chanel PR, and they confirmed this bag will be produced and available in boutiques in two sizes. Though the mini version was not bought by the boutiques, Chanel did pick up the medium and large size. The medium Chanel Rainbow Boy Bag will retail for $450, while the oakley replica large will retail for $470. If you are interested in either of these, I'd suggest calling your local boutique or Chanel customer service to get your name on a list; based on the limited number of seasonal bags the brand makes available every season and the positive response so far, they are sure to sell out quickly.
30 July 2016 at 07:07
Anonymous said…
rolex replica watches Submariner ReplicaBond Submariner Replica – The name's Submariner—replica Submariner. One of the a lot of acclaimed wearers of the Rolex Submariner is Mr. James Bond. We accept all the advice you charge about the Bond Submariner replica.fake rolex WatchRolex Replica Watches – Why absorb a affluence on the absolute affair if Rolex replica watches attending so accurate and amount so abundant less? In these boxy bread-and-butter times, spending a ton on 18-carat rolex replica uk just doesn't accomplish faculty for a lot of people.
15 August 2016 at 11:18
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Time I Got Sent to the Naughty Step

The naughty step is only as powerful as the child allows it to be. I once sent my son there and 20 seconds later he came racing through the living room on his fucking bike. I briefly tried to return him to his pleasantly carpeted penitentiary but I was far too busy giggling. On another occasion, my lad wouldn’t go to bed and instead plonked himself down on the bottom of the stairs in defiance. I started to threaten him with a trip to the dreaded step of naughtiness. ‘IF YOU DON’T GET TO BED RIGHT NOW, I’ll, erm….’ I tailed off as I realised he was already sitting on the effing naughty step and my threat now made less sense than Welsh hip-hop. I could see on his little face, he’d worked this out too. He threw me a smirk that said, ‘You’ll do what, knobhead?’ I felt it crucial not to back down. So I continued: ‘I’LL PUT YOU ON THE NAUGHTY STEP, YOUNG MAN!’ ‘But I’m already on it!’ he snorted. My brain turned to scrambled egg. ‘WELL THEN!’ I had nothing. Bu...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Time I Smeared Shit on the Duvet

My wife and I developed our parenting systems through trial and error. One of the earliest rules we’d introduced was that if it was after 5am and one of the babies became unsettled, we wouldn’t waste our time trying to get them back down in their cot - we’d just bring them in with us. After a nice cuddle in our bed, they’d normally settle back down, barring the occasional impromptu fanny gouge or affable bollock kick. (Babies are the most violent sleepers on the planet, easily capable of committing GBH in the middle of reaching for their dummy.) Our twins were six months old. I was fast asleep. At least, the deepest sleep you can get once your kids arrive. My pre-kids sleep used to be the nocturnal equivalent of deep sea diving. Nowadays I’m lucky if I can submerge my toes in a puddle. Early on, my sleep was lighter than a Ryvita biscuit who’d been having it off with a helium canister they’d met on Tinder. Everything woke me up. Some nights I’d just lie there, bewi...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Time I Embarrassed Myself on a Bouncy Castle

Kids love bouncy castles. And why not? They’re bouncy and unpredictable, like Kanye West on a pogo stick. But just like Calpol, crayons and eating your own bogeys, the allure of the bouncy castle tends to dissipate as we reach adulthood. I’m not someone who lists ‘castle bouncing’ as a hobby these days. My kids, on the other hand, love a good bouncy castle. The bouncier the better. The only thing they love more than a GOOD bouncy castle is a REALLY BAD bouncy castle. Especially those ones that haven’t undergone a decent risk assessment since mullets were cool. In fact, the more dubious the health and safety standards appear to a casual bystander, the more keen my kids are to dive on headfirst and find the hazards. So. We’re at a farm park. We’re enjoying the standard parental farm park experience - the kids are interested in everything EXCEPT the very farm animals that we just paid a whopping £37.50 to visit. (BTW - My son’s favourite animal at Chester Zoo was ...
Post a Comment
Read more