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Showing posts from October, 2018

THE LEARNER PARENT TOUR - 10 FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

1. WILL THE TWINS BE YOUR SUPPORT ACT? No chance. They’re way funnier than me. I’ll look crap in comparison. 2. CAN I BRING MY TODDLER WITH ME? Yes but you’ll have to leave them in the cloakroom. 3. WHICH GIG ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO THE MOST? Whichever town you live in. That one. Honest.  šŸ˜‰ 4. WHAT’S THE SHOW ABOUT? It’s a stand up comedy show about being a hapless, learner parent to toddlers in 2018. 5. HOW LONG IS THE SHOW? 2 x 45 minute halves. No support act. Just me, baby. 6. I’VE READ YOUR BOOK - WILL IT JUST BE STUFF FROM THAT? Not at all. This is a brand new, never-before seen show that pretty much picks up where the book left off. 7. WHY AREN’T YOU COMING TO *INSERT TOWN NAME HERE*? I would have loved to come to more places but scheduling and venue availability didn’t permit it, sorry  šŸ˜” 8. MY HUSBAND / WIFE / BOYFRIEND / PARTNER HAS NEVER HEARD OF YOU. SHALL I BRING THEM ALONG TOO? Yes because I’ll win them over with my cheeky northern charm. And if t

The Secret Diary of a 3 Year Old

MONDAY Daddy looked at my drawing today and said, ‘Nice house!’ It was a fucking car, the philistine tit. TUESDAY Mummy CONSTANTLY asks me to refrain from twanging my trouser snake but as someone who doesn’t own any actual real estate in the schlong department I’m not sure she entirely grasps just what delightful fun it is. I reckon Daddy knows. WEDNESDAY How come a stand up piss at home gets a round of applause but a stand up dump incites a riot in Sainsbury’s? THURSDAY Saw some toddler wearing a Nirvana shirt. Asked him what his favourite song was. He said ‘Wheels on the Bus.’ Gonna assume he didn’t dress himself. FRIDAY Went full beelzebastard at breakfast. Mummy looked broken and Daddy was apologising profusely for having to go to work but I defo saw him punching the air and mouthing ‘yes!’ as he danced his way to the car for a nice relaxing day at the office. SATURDAY Was zooming all over the place on my balance bike and laughed so hard down the hill that I

The Secret Diary of a 3 Year Old

MONDAY Wanted to learn some new swear words. Hid Daddy’s car keys. Bingo. TUESDAY Mummy told me off for twanging my willie like a dirty trouser banjo in Asda. But she never mentioned Tesco so I whipped out the sweet-meat for a virtuoso cock solo in the bread aisle that forced her to smother my nether regions with a brioche loaf.  # makingmemories WEDNESDAY Daddy needs to buck his ideas up when wiping my arse. Nevermind my crazy post-dump yoga moves, he’s too experienced to be smearing it up my back like that. THURSDAY If Bedtime Avoidance was an Olympic sport I’d have a Nike sponsorship by now. Tonight’s delaying tactics included 2 drinks, 1 poo (phantom), 1 poo (real) and 7 tuck-in requests. I’m world class. FRIDAY Made a new friend today. A true pal. I never caught her name or indeed had any interaction with her whatsoever, but I sobbed when we had to leave both the park, and indeed, all our good times behind. I swore to myself I’d never forget her but if I’m hone

The Secret Diary of a 3 Year Old

MONDAY Fell full length onto a big xylophone at the toy shop which made a ridiculous noise. Everyone laughed (including the staff) even though it definitely wasn’t funny. Couldn’t get up properly so sprawled across all of the notes several times, accidentally composing my very own knobhead concerto. Big People acted like they were all concerned but I could tell those pricks were laughing behind their hands. TUESDAY Daddy lectured me this morning on the importance of vigilance, aim and alertness when attempting a stand up wee. Bit rich coming from the man who pisses like someone holding a watering can on a bouncy castle. WEDNESDAY Finally mastered saying sorry really sarcastically. Not only does this style of delivery conclude the latest misdemeanour I’ve committed but it also simultaneously states to my victim: ‘Hey, tit-sweat - I don’t actually give a single fuck about you OR your precious feelings and I would gladly do it all again at the drop of a Harley’s Rusk.’ A power

The Secret Diary of a 3 Year Old

MONDAY Did a stand up wee for the first time. Felt very grown up. Shame it was on the bookcase. TUESDAY Must stop giggling when I’m up to no good. It alerts the authorities. WEDNESDAY Managed to bolt out the front door and leg it halfway down the street completely bollocko. Felt like the whole world was chasing me. The big people shouted my name as the cool night air caressed my jiggling junk. Never felt so alive. THURSDAY Daddy put my shoes on the wrong feet and took me to nursery. What chance have I got riddled with the genes of this fuckwit? FRIDAY Invented a new game in the garden that combined the traditional elements of Association Football alongside the mindless and unforgiving violence of an inner city riot. Mummy refused to play with me because I was ‘kicking the fence’ even though, if she’d listened properly, she’d know that was clearly within the rules. SATURDAY Ran away while daddy was wiping my arse. The miserable git didn’t offer a smile even thoug

3 y/o kicks me in balls...

3 y/o kicks me in balls I fall to ground He offers to kiss it better I politely decline He gets upset I explain nuance of appropriate behaviour while writhing around in total agony Wife arrives I ask her to kiss it better She declines with fury Will cherish these family memories  šŸ’—