Sam Avery

(Read Part 3 here) MONDAY Refused to take my nap today - was convinced something amazing was going to happen and didn’t want to miss it. Nothing happened. Got annoyed. TUESDAY My food arrived but they didn’t feed me for ages. They kept shouting a lot and blowing on it. I started to whinge so the idiots gave me a tambourine. I wanted food, not percussion. WEDNESDAY I cried for ages last night so they put me into the big people’s bed which was well comfier than my stupid cot. If that’s what happens when you cry I’ll definitely do that again tonight. THURSDAY Tried to cry myself into their bed again but they stood firm. Cried harder than ever but in the end gave up and had a really lovely sleep actually. FRIDAY Teeth were hurting me today. Why do people think I want to see them pull funny faces when I’m crying? They’ve got no idea what I’m going through. SATURDAY Felt a bit sad today but then did a poo that took lots of effort and then I felt dead happ...

(Read Part 2 here) MONDAY Woke up late in a great mood and forgot I was hungry. Then remembered I was hungry and all hell broke loose. TUESDAY Can't be sure but think one of the big people did a trump today and blamed it on me. I know I'm new here but that doesn't seem fair. Gonna fill my nappy tomorrow and blame them. WEDNESDAY New toy arrived today and wasn't sure about it so put it in my mouth for a bit. Still not sure but left it in my mouth anyway. THURSDAY Big people were really annoying at food time. Kept holding my hands. So what if I want to eat through my eyes? I'm an individual. FRIDAY Was in a really grabby mood today. Felt like grabbing everything. Grabbed myself in the bath in a part I didn't know existed and the big people laughed but then looked quite concerned. SATURDAY Had some food today that was even nicer than my bib. Made my face move in directions I didn't think was possible. Mind. Blown. SUNDAY...

(Read Part 1 here) MONDAY Waited till they dressed me in a brand new outfit and then puked everywhere. Managed to get some on the curtains. Best. Day. Ever. TUESDAY Tried to wriggle off the end of the sofa but the big people stopped me. They have no sense of adventure. WEDNESDAY Pooed myself awake this morning. It definitely gets your day off to a brisk start. If I can keep this up I won't ever be late for anything. THURSDAY Tried to eat my bib for dinner. It tasted amazing, much better than that stuff they shove towards my face all the time. FRIDAY Got left next to another little person today, for ages. I think they expected us to be best mates but we had nothing in common really. SATURDAY Woke myself up crying because my dummy had totally vanished. Big people pointed out it was in my hand. Felt embarrassed but didn’t show it. SUNDAY Screamed for my food at dinnertime and then screamed because I didn't want food. I don’t understand wh...

(Read #5 here) 1.People caught parking in the parent & child spaces without kids should be forced to do their weekly shop with teething triplets who haven't napped. 2.The sense of injustice felt by a near sleeping baby as they remove their own dummy is comparable only with false imprisonment. 3.My sons have got enough food in their neck folds for their own Harvest Festival. 4.The only people who benefit from the clocks going back are the people who don't need an extra hours sleep in the first place. Bastards. 5.Four ruined outfits in an hour means the day is officially a write-off, everything is cancelled and you should go back to bed. (Like that’s an option…) 6.If they made a Top Gear style show about prams I would definitely watch it. 7.When burping your baby in public it's always good to check there's nobody directly behind you. (And to the lady in the sheepskin coat in John Lewis, my sincere apologies.) 8.If you ever turn down th...

(Read last #4 here) 1.Blaming your baby's trumps on your partner never gets old. 2.Bathroom breaks are legitimate little holidays now. I won't rule out sit-down wees at some point either. 3.If you get too close to the baby monitor with the receiver the babies will wake up thinking they're at Download Festival. 4.It's easy to forget this and do it two days running. 5.Some sleepsuits are harder to get into than RADA. 6.People on the next table in Starbucks aren't as fascinated with your baby's bowel movements as you are. 7.Sleep deprivation is a tit. I queued for 5 minutes behind a row of empty parked cars. 8.My opinion on weaning poos fluctuates more than the weather. I'm a fan again this week. 9.One of our twins needs to play a lot of sport when he grows up as the way he's eating Channel 5 will want to make a documentary about him. 10.Using the baby change facilities when there's a queue makes you feel like you're on an episod...

MONDAY Today was brilliant – I cried all afternoon and refused to nap. Then did a wee in my cot so they had to change all the sheets. Can’t wait for tomorrow. TUESDAY Tried the crying thing again but accidentally fell asleep for three hours and woke up feeling great. Gutted. WEDNESDAY Had some proper food today. Don’t like chewing for myself though so as a protest I spat most of it onto the floor. Take that, big people. THURSDAY Managed to shove my hand right down my throat and made myself do a really weird cough that felt quite bad. Did it again straight after just to check. Felt bad again. Will try it loads tomorrow. FRIDAY Left a tiny bit of sick behind the sofa. They won’t find that for months. Fight the power! SATURDAY Had some fish for dinner. Quite enjoyed it but haven’t worked out how to tell my face yet so looked like I hated it. Then threw up this smelly fishy puke all over my sleepsuit so they put me in the bath. Then pooed in the bath so the...

(Read #3 here) 1.Parents who tell you their kids 'always sleep right through' are pure dicks. 2.After seven hours straight with babies it’s REALLY difficult to talk to another adult without wanting to squeeze their cheeks and make noises like a lunatic. 3.I don't know what the adult equivalent of Calpol is but I need to get my hands on some. 4.Reflux causes more delays than a Tube strike. 5.Opening picture messages from your wife should be done discretely as they may contain a photo of your son's first actual turd. 6.I've forgotten what the bottom of our laundry basket looks like. 7.Nappy rash can seem worse than it is - my son's rump looked like The Rolling Stones logo all week but he was fine. 8.Nothing makes you feel more middle class than a baby massage class. 9.Shouting 'COOL DOWN YOU BASTARD' at a bowl of baby porridge has little or no effect. 10. Failure to tie both ends of the bag inside the nappy bin prop...

First of all, don't panic. Panicking is only useful if you’ve been set on fire or they open a new till at Aldi. In a nappy change environment, panic will ruin both your spirit and nice carpet. Be prepared. This isn't Chicago in the 40’s and you’re not Miles Davis - you can't just rock up and start improvising. You need to nail this operation to the wall. Get everything you need ready. Would you go camping without a tent? Wipes, wipes and more wipes. You can't have too many but you can definitely have too few. The last thing you want is to run out and have to use your sock. Grab a new nappy. (Yes, you'll need one of these.) This sounds more patronizing than offering Lance Armstrong tips on bullshit I've lost count of the number of times I've done the hard work by getting a clean bum ready but forgotten to prep the fresh nappy. This is the parental equivalent of dribbling past three defenders, dancing round the oncoming keeper and then spo...

(Read #2 here) 1.I'd rather do my tax return on a roller coaster than look after twins with a hangover. 2.‘The Wheels on the Bus’ is a truly terrible song. They probably use it in Guantanamo Bay. 3.No matter how long you wait, the bathroom doesn't start to self-clean itself like white people with dreadlocks tell you their hair does. 4.A baby's neck-folds is a legitimate place to check for lost property. 5.My comment two weeks ago about being a fan of solid food poos was hopelessly premature. They are rank. 6.A 6 month old can kick you hard enough in the knackers to doubt you’ll ever give them more siblings. 7.Whoever designed babies is a dick. "I know! When they need to sleep really badly I'll programme them to get incredibly angry so that sleep is impossible!” 8.The 'Calpol Spritzer' that the wife joked about sounds pretty tempting. 9.I love my kids more than anything in the world. 10. I’d love them a little bit mor...