1.Parents who tell you their kids 'always sleep right through' are pure dicks.
2.After seven hours straight with babies it’s REALLY difficult to talk to another adult without wanting to squeeze their cheeks and make noises like a lunatic.
3.I don't know what the adult equivalent of Calpol is but I need to get my hands on some.
4.Reflux causes more delays than a Tube strike.
5.Opening picture messages from your wife should be done discretely as they may contain a photo of your son's first actual turd.
6.I've forgotten what the bottom of our laundry basket looks like.
7.Nappy rash can seem worse than it is - my son's rump looked like The Rolling Stones logo all week but he was fine.
8.Nothing makes you feel more middle class than a baby massage class.
9.Shouting 'COOL DOWN YOU BASTARD' at a bowl of baby porridge has little or no effect.
10. Failure to tie both ends of the bag inside the nappy bin properly will result in a world of hurt for you and your family.