1. YOU WILL LEAVE THE HOUSE EVERY SINGLE DAY, NO MATTER WHAT. You've been up since 5am and planned to go out all day. But now it’s 4.50pm and you're picking dried shit off the carpet in your pajamas. Face facts - your house is a time vortex and even Nelson Mandela in the 1980’s got out more than you do. 2. YOU WILL NEVER EAT BISCUITS FOR BREAKFAST This is impossible when you’ve had 53 minutes sleep and your will power and sanity have both fucked off in a sports car like Thelma and Louise. You’ll be frantically searching for the branflakes but instead the Jaffa Cakes will be there, giving you the eye like the sugary hussies they are. You’ll move your gaze away towards the fruit but those biscuits have you in their tractor beam, undressing you with their eyes. Before you know it you’ll be four biscuits deep, crumbs all over the work surface and tears of shame in your eyes. 3. YOU WILL IMMEDIATELY WASH YOUR SHEETS WHEN BABY PUKES ON THEM ...