Sam Avery

*ROUSING ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS AS DRONE CAMERA FOOTAGE PANS THROUGH FRONT DOOR OF SEMI-DETACHED HOUSE. WE SEE TOTAL DESTRUCTION IN THE HALLWAY. THE TV IS BLASTING ACROSS THE EMPTY LOUNGE. BISCUIT CRUMBS ARE SCATTERED ACROSS THE SOFA. COUNTLESS STAINS ARE VISIBLE ON THE CARPET* VOICEOVER: To the untrained eye, this modest property is merely a run-of-the-mill suburban dwelling. But these crude crayon etchings across the wall tell a very different story. For this house is one filled to the brim with conflict, dispute and illogical misunderstandings. This house, is the home of toddlers. *CLOSE UP SHOT OF CHILD LYING ON KITCHEN FLOOR KICKING LEGS AND REFUSING TO LET GO OF A SPATULA* VOICEOVER: And no other life form on the planet is as thoroughly uncooperative as the human toddler. *SHOT OF CHILD SAYING NO TO A DRINK THEN YELLING WHEN THEY AREN’T GIVEN ONE. THEN LOSING THE PLOT WHEN GIVEN ONE IN WRONG CUP* *CUT TO WIDE SHOT OF KITCHEN* VOICEOVER: Here we see th...

1. EXCITEMENT Wow! A new toy. How cool! And it sings three different songs too. That's a relief as I was slightly tired of the other ones but this one seems different. Much less annoying.  We'll have endless fun with this one, kids. That's for sure! 2. YOU LEARN THE WORDS Look, everyone! *presses button, sings along, feeling great* This is better than karaoke. Hit that button again! Whooo! 3. YOU SING THE WORDS AT ALL TIMES Bloody hell, that song is a real earworm isn’t it? Catchier than Ebola. Can't stop singing it. Losing my mind a bit actually. Like those Tetris dreams I used to have. 4. IT ENTERS YOUR SOUL Oh, that SHITTING SONG. I can't think straight. I swear I heard it in my sleep last night.   This is hell on earth. In fact it's worse because I can't even hear myself scream - all I can hear is that frigging song. 5. LOSS OF RATIONAL THOUGHT I'd do time for that fucking thing. As soon ...

1.BEWARE OF FANCY NEW BUBBLE BATH. It looks lovely on the surface but can mask an underwater shite until it's far too late. 2.Your child’s nap time is perfect for postmen to loudly knock on your door with parcels for the entire street. 3.The best thing about having kids is that even a day of cleaning, furniture building and trips to the tip WITHOUT THEM feels like a two week all inclusive holiday. 4.If your child is on the roundabout and you're not pushing, I'm not pushing. Even if my kid has to sit there, completely stationary. 5.Toddlers are either about to fall over, have just fallen over or are in the process of falling over. 6.Nothing will make you feel more like a dad than spending 10 minutes of Christmas Eve swearing in the loft. 7.If you don’t put washing on on Xmas Day the whole system is fucked. 8.If your twins instantly start fighting over a present you know it's a hit. 9.The Quality Street disappeared by Boxing Day because ...

 1. YOU WILL LEAVE THE HOUSE EVERY SINGLE DAY, NO MATTER WHAT. You've been up since 5am and planned to go out all day. But now it’s 4.50pm and you're picking dried shit off the carpet in your pyjamas. Face facts - your house is a time vortex and even Nelson Mandela in the 1980’s got out more than you do. 2. YOU WILL NEVER EAT BISCUITS FOR BREAKFAST This is impossible when you’ve had 53 minutes sleep and your will power and sanity have fucked off in a sports car together like Thelma and Louise. You’ll be frantically searching for the branflakes but instead the Jaffa Cakes will be there, giving you the eye like the sugary hussies they are. You’ll move your gaze away towards the fruit but those biscuits have you in their tractor beam, undressing you with their eyes. Before you know it you’ll be four biscuits deep, crumbs all over the work surface and tears of shame in your eyes. 3. YOU WILL IMMEDIATELY WASH YOUR SHEETS WHEN YOUR CHILD P...

1.YOU CAN GO TO THE TOILET ANYWHERE No need to stop at motorway services or even find a tree to hide behind. Just wait till you’re surrounded by loved ones at a family Christening, lock eyes with one of them and angrily squeeze one out. Beautiful and convenient. 2.IT'S SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE TO THROW A TANTRUM It’s the Friday before Christmas and your boss asks you to work late. You plaster on a fake smile, nod and say, ‘Of course, no problem at all!’ when all you really want to do is roll round on the floor, waving your limbs until your screaming face is beetroot and you’re choking on your own snotty tears. 3.YOU HAVE ZERO RESPONSIBILITY Adults have to fret about broken boilers, council tax and Brexit. The biggest conundrum a toddler will face is whether to eat that bogey or smear it across the wall. 4.YOU CAN BE WRECKLESS Ever fancied running with your eyes shut or getting your face stuck in a hole? How about diving head-first down the stairs or spreading Su...

Often you'll hear all these things from the same person. And it's fine to push that person into a hedge. 1. "OURS HAVE ALWAYS SLEPT RIGHT THROUGH." Listen, I'm thrilled for you. We all are. It must be wonderful. But see these bags under my eyes the size of grapefruits? They mean this information is less welcome than a positive STI test. So zip it. 2. "MY LITTLE BOY LOVES ADVENTUROUS FOOD!" Mine does too! Crayons, Lego and faeces are adventurous, right? 3. "LET ME SHOW THIS WONDERFUL PICTURE SHE DREW THE OTHER DAY..." Whilst our own child's artwork is beautiful to us, I'd rather sit on a rail replacement bus than look at someone else's. 4. "I THINK YOUR CHILD JUST BIT MINE?" The Walking Dead is great but you don't want your kids on it. And how do you react if you haven't seen the incident? Deny it and you're instantly that cockwomble parent who can never contemplate that thei...

MONDAY Bet myself that I could walk the entire length of the kitchen with my eyes shut. Walked into the oven instantly, fell over and bit my lip. The pain was terrible but to be honest, it was more embarrassing than anything. Will try again tomorrow. TUESDAY Locked myself in the disabled toilet at playgroup. Felt liberated for two seconds, then scared. Skipped crying this time and went straight for screaming. Big people shouted instructions through the door but it all sounded like bollocks to me. Played with the soap dispenser (which was AWESOME!) until light went off so went back to screaming. Was convinced this was now my life until door opened and light came back on. Haven’t felt that relieved since the mega-shit I did in baby yoga. Had a lovely cuddle with mummy. Tried to go back into toilet. She wouldn’t let me. Screamed again. JUST LET ME LIVE MY LIFE! WEDNESDAY Thinking about giving up my afternoon nap. It really eats into my day and makes it hard to get everyth...

MONDAY Mummy wouldn’t let me touch the radiator so I asked Daddy. He wouldn’t either. Touched it later when they weren’t looking. It was really fucking hot. Why did nobody stop me? TUESDAY Wrecking stuff is so much fun! Today I ripped my fave book to pieces, smashed a toy in half and totally destroyed a new outfit with a nappy leak that nearly caused Debenhams to be closed temporarily. I love being creative! WEDNESDAY It’s slowly dawning on me that I’m totally clueless in almost every area of life. Today I lay down on the floor and rubbed my face across the gravel. ON PURPOSE! It stung like fuck, obviously. What is wrong with me? THURSDAY Some snotty kid pushed me over at the soft play area today. I cried. They stuck their finger in my ear. I cried more. Mummy came over and blamed me. I cried even more. Injustice is a bitter pill to swallow - I was fuming for literally minutes. I don’t know this kid or what their game is but mark my words - retribution will be s...

1.The definition of relief is when a noisier child than yours arrives in the restaurant. 2.Since becoming a parent I watch The Walking Dead and think 'Now THAT looks relaxing.' 3.I don't want a 'clean' house anymore. I just want to keep the level of shite to an acceptable level. 4.It's easier to extract a hostage from a warzone than leave the swimming baths with a toddler. 5.If I could preserve & recycle all the food my that ends up on the floor I'd be the new Bob Geldof. 6.Me and the wife don't call it sex anymore, it's now 'The AGM.' 7.Julia Donaldson & Axel Sheffler are the Lennon & McCartney of children's literature. 8.That said, I'd rather change a leaking, rancid nappy than read the fucking Gruffalo again. 9.Aldi is no place for a family day out. 10.Watching your little boys have their minds completely blown as they see snow for the first time is something you will never forget. Twitter: @samave...

My twin boys are 18 months old so this will inevitably change. But for now, here’s my 10 favourite things about being a parent. 1.You Feel Like You've Done Something Worthwhile The planet is overcrowded and we’re running out of fish. We’re not helping by adding more methane-oozing, petrol-guzzling humans to the queue for the last few haddock. But no achievement in life has made me feel as proud as my kids. 2.Nobody’s Bothered If / When You’re Late You are never actually ‘on time’ with kids, merely ‘not late, yet.’ Twenty minutes, half an hour, fuck it – turn up a day late and nobody really cares. Or if they do they won’t say anything because you have a legitimate, living and shitting excuse. 3.When Your Child Laughs There is no other sound like it. When your child laughs, the world makes sense. (Unless they’re laughing at the bollocking you’ve just given them.) 4.When They Sleep Nap time is great (if it happens) but those nights when they go down at the end of th...

MONDAY Woke up early to plan new ways to twat my head. Came up with seven. Executed four and improvised the rest. TUESDAY Listen, Daddy. I know where my nose is so you should frigging well know where yours is – stop asking me all the time. It’s fucking embarrassing. Look at the end of your face you gormless prick. WEDNESDAY Drank bath water tonight. Tasted like soup. Did a big soapy shite before bed. What a day. THURSDAY Somehow ended up with two dummies for the morning. Then found a third I’d stashed behind the fridge. It was decent once you got past the fluff. Kept swapping between the three. Felt like a King. Then lost one and the other two got confiscated. Felt utterly broken till someone gave me a biscuit. FRIDAY I’ve had it with jigsaws you know. Every time I fix the picture the stupid big people go and wreck it again. They’re so messy. God knows how they live like this. SATURDAY Today I learned to walk a bit! None of this holding-on-to-stuff bollocks either - pro...

This week I crept up on comedian Jarred Christmas to chat about long-haul flights, Peppa Pig and co-sleeping. Plus we take a trip to the World Nappy Changing Championships! Listen to this and previous episodes on: iTunes:  goo.gl/gcD6Cs Stitcher:  http://www.stitcher.com/s?fid=90435&refid=stpr Podbean:  http://samavery.podbean.com/e/sam-avery-5-things-i-learned/

1.Told my childless friend I'd had an 'amazing lie in till 7.30am' and he pissed himself laughing. I was deadly serious. 2.In the 18 months since my boys were born I've aged 7 and a half years. 3.Peppa Pig is an obnoxious bitch. 4.Toddlers have bigger ownership issues than BHS. 5.When your child laughs, the world makes sense. (Unless you've just told them off when you'll continue to doubt your abilities as a parent...) Twitter: @samaverycomedy

1.The most utterly pointless thing I've ever done is clean the floor. 2.With kids you are never 'ON TIME', merely 'NOT LATE YET'. 3.It's easier to eat soup with a fork than herd multiple toddlers in the same direction. 4.There's been more head banging in our house this week than a Black Sabbath gig. 5.I've never taken acid but I have watched In The Night Garden. Follow my blog on Facebook here ...

My guest on this week's episode is the comedian Chris Cairns. We spoke about clown attacks, bunking on the train to Wales and managing his daughter's transition from childhood to young adult. Get it on: iTunes:  goo.gl/gcD6Cs Stitcher:  http://www.stitcher.com/s?fid=90435&refid=stpr Podbean:  http://samavery.podbean.com/e/sam-avery-5-things-i-learned/

Forget beautiful sunsets or snow on Christmas Day - my favourite sight in the whole world (even more than my kids themselves) is two empty plates at the end of a meal. (What this pic doesn't show is the rest of the food all over the bastard floor...) 1.Toddlers never run out of fresh creative ways to twat their head into stuff. 2.Applying logic to a child is as pointless as applying sun cream to a piece of toast. 3.Using the bathroom in our house feels like that bit at the safari park when the baboons jump all over your car. 4."Don't dip your spoon in someone else's porridge" sounds like a filthy euphemism. 5.Toddler's moods are like the British weather: constantly changing, hard to predict and guaranteed to ruin a picnic. 6.I spend my entire time at soft play areas ensuring my children don't attack other children. 7.Your child doing a nuclear-level shite as you've just handed them over to your partner on your way out the h...

1.I'd rather see my child's empty plate at the end of a meal than my lottery numbers come up. 2.A toddler can spot stray dummies like a hawk spots field mice. 3.Kids get pop up book. Kids wreck pop up book Parents buy new pop up book. Kids totally fucking destroy new book in seconds. 4.I should have tried a breast milk latte while I had the chance. 5.Reading a book to your child that you haven't already previously read 4,947 times is INCREDIBLE. Sign up to my mailing list via the link on the right hand side or follow my blog on Facebook , Twitter or Instagram .

1.If you're not careful, a day of relaxed nothingness without the kids can easily morph into a 3 hour blitz of the house and a visit to the tip. 2.There's nothing weird about getting poo on my hand anymore. Which is weird in itself. 3.My new motto is 'Ah, fuck it. That'll do." 4.I'll never understand the tastebuds of a toddler: my son will eat coal but refuses chicken. 5.Our house smells like a condemned pet shop. Finally, the highlight of my week was definitely this: Twin 1 cries. Twin 2 crawls to other side of room, retrieves dummy, gives to his brother. Twin 1 settles. Daddy gets something in his eye... I'm a stand up comic and dad of twins. You can follow my parenting blog on Facebook , Twitter , Instagram or sign up to get each new blog via email on the right hand column of my website. I also release a weekly podcast where I chat to fellow parents about what they've learned.

1.Arriving somewhere EARLY with the kids will freak you out. (I expected the universe to implode.) 2.If you're on your third cup of coffee and fourth slice of pizza by 9.30am it's gonna be a long day. 3.Those happy toddlers enjoying ALL their food in the recipe books are CGI, right? 4.When my wife dresses the kids she picks the nicest outfit. When I dress them I pick whatever goes on easiest. 5.It's entirely possible to be so exhausted that you drop a biscuit and call it a c**t. 6.I feel sorry for the snail in our outside bin. Trapped in a pit full of rancid nappies and broken dreams. 7.They should change the name of Teddy Bears Picnic to 'Let's Wreck Daddy's Trousers' 8.Minging food on a floor is more appetising to a toddler than haute cuisine on a plate. 9.I'm pleased my kids are showing an interest in books, if only they wanted to read more than the same two ALL THE TIME. 10.As a parent I've actually listen...

1.The moment your toddler learns how to remove their nappy is scarier than Skynet becoming self-aware. 2.Nap time is the absolute tits. 3.I'm pretty sure there's only three different episodes of In The Night Garden. It's the Status Quo of kids TV. 4.And if you *slightly* mispronounce a character name from that show there's a good chance you'll unwittingly use a racial slur. 5."Who’s your favourite twin?" "The one that isn’t crying." 6.Never mind forgetting what you've come into a room for, some days I forget which room I'm going to on the way there. 7.Wine is the answer. (I just don't know what the question is.) 8.My son can fire nuggets from his arse further than I can throw a frisbee. 9.I still haven't cleaned the inside of the bin. To be honest, I'm so used to the smell now I think I'd miss it. 10.If you criticise when older parents say 'we never had parent and child spaces...