1.BEWARE OF FANCY NEW BUBBLE BATH. It looks lovely on the surface but can mask an underwater shite until it's far too late.
2.Your child’s nap time is perfect for postmen to loudly knock on your door with parcels for the entire street.
3.The best thing about having kids is that even a day of cleaning, furniture building and trips to the tip WITHOUT THEM feels like a two week all inclusive holiday.
4.If your child is on the roundabout and you're not pushing, I'm not pushing. Even if my kid has to sit there, completely stationary.
5.Toddlers are either about to fall over, have just fallen over or are in the process of falling over.
6.Nothing will make you feel more like a dad than spending 10 minutes of Christmas Eve swearing in the loft.
7.If you don’t put washing on on Xmas Day the whole system is fucked.
8.If your twins instantly start fighting over a present you know it's a hit.
9.The Quality Street disappeared by Boxing Day because they’re half the size they used to be. And we’re now twice the size.
10.The Cbeebies NYE party was probably like Ibiza 1988 compared to what we did.
(I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins...I post my parenting blog on my FB page...)