Sam Avery

1. EXCITEMENT Wow! A new toy. How cool! And it sings three different songs too. That's a relief as I was slightly tired of the other ones but this one seems different. Much less annoying.  We'll have endless fun with this one, kids. That's for sure! 2. YOU LEARN THE WORDS Look, everyone! *presses button, sings along, feeling great* This is better than karaoke. Hit that button again! Whooo! 3. YOU SING THE WORDS AT ALL TIMES Bloody hell, that song is a real earworm isn’t it? Catchier than Ebola. Can't stop singing it. Losing my mind a bit actually. Like those Tetris dreams I used to have. 4. IT ENTERS YOUR SOUL Oh, that SHITTING SONG. I can't think straight. I swear I heard it in my sleep last night.   This is hell on earth. In fact it's worse because I can't even hear myself scream - all I can hear is that frigging song. 5. LOSS OF RATIONAL THOUGHT I'd do time for that fucking thing. As soon ...

1.Arriving somewhere EARLY with the kids will freak you out. (I expected the universe to implode.) 2.If you're on your third cup of coffee and fourth slice of pizza by 9.30am it's gonna be a long day. 3.Those happy toddlers enjoying ALL their food in the recipe books are CGI, right? 4.When my wife dresses the kids she picks the nicest outfit. When I dress them I pick whatever goes on easiest. 5.It's entirely possible to be so exhausted that you drop a biscuit and call it a c**t. 6.I feel sorry for the snail in our outside bin. Trapped in a pit full of rancid nappies and broken dreams. 7.They should change the name of Teddy Bears Picnic to 'Let's Wreck Daddy's Trousers' 8.Minging food on a floor is more appetising to a toddler than haute cuisine on a plate. 9.I'm pleased my kids are showing an interest in books, if only they wanted to read more than the same two ALL THE TIME. 10.As a parent I've actually listen...

1.The moment your toddler learns how to remove their nappy is scarier than Skynet becoming self-aware. 2.Nap time is the absolute tits. 3.I'm pretty sure there's only three different episodes of In The Night Garden. It's the Status Quo of kids TV. 4.And if you *slightly* mispronounce a character name from that show there's a good chance you'll unwittingly use a racial slur. 5."Who’s your favourite twin?" "The one that isn’t crying." 6.Never mind forgetting what you've come into a room for, some days I forget which room I'm going to on the way there. 7.Wine is the answer. (I just don't know what the question is.) 8.My son can fire nuggets from his arse further than I can throw a frisbee. 9.I still haven't cleaned the inside of the bin. To be honest, I'm so used to the smell now I think I'd miss it. 10.If you criticise when older parents say 'we never had parent and child spaces...

Latest episode of my '5 Things I Learned' podcast is available now. My guest this week is the co-host of Radio City Talk's 'Dad's Hour' (and father of two) Iain Christie. Download and subscribe on  iTunes   https://    ,  Stitcher   Podbean Sam x

1.People who say you should 'enjoy every single moment of parenthood' are at best, unrealistic and at worst, morons. 2.There's more chance of seeing a Dodo than the bottom of your laundry basket. 3.Nap time is fucking brilliant. 4.Dried up weetabix on the kitchen floor is like frigging Tarmac. 5.Constantly using a happy voice with your kids helps keep your head through the sheer insanity of it all. 6.Whoever came up with the idea of a beauty facial was definitely feeding porridge to a baby at the time. 7.Babies can be more fussy about their food than Mary Berry. 8.Visiting a 'Nearly New' sale is a great opportunity to get rid of all the old, unwanted baby stuff and replace it with an equal amount of shite. 9.The following conversation is pure fiction: "Shall I put a wash on?" "Nah." 10.Your baby's first wave will make you weep.* *Especially if it occurs on the day you had to give his beloved Jumper...