Sam Avery

(Read #9 here) 1.When your baby cries because they’re tired it’s very tempting to join in. 2.The next complete stranger to ask how my twins were conceived is getting slapped. 3.Our laundry basket is like an endlessly erupting linen volcano. 4.Your baby suddenly opening their eyes as you creep in to kiss them goodnight is scarier than any horror movie villain. 5.Even hearing your child scream suddenly from the next room still doesn’t make it any easier to stop a wee in full flow. 6.You know you’re tired when a sex scene comes on the TV and you think, ‘ooh…that bed looks comfy...’ 7.If burglars broke into our house I’d only notice when they inevitably couldn’t find their way out of the mess and had to shout for help. 8.My boys would rather have their bums wiped with sandpaper than their faces cleaned with a wet wipe. 9.Small muslin cloths are less than pointless. 10.After writing several posts about your babies puking, pooing and dribbling on your...

Please don't get embarrassed, No need to freak out, But I've had a big lunch, And its one-in, one-out, Don't look so worried I'm never in pain, But at least once a day, I must squeeze and strain. I'm only a baby, So must make some space, And the moment I do, I will STARE at your face. I'm a stand up comic and new dad to twins. You can click here to follow me on Facebook where I post all my blogs, memes and other blatherings about parenthood. (Or go to the top right of this page) 

(Read #6 here) 1.I don’t care that the daughter of your friend’s sister had twins. I’m just a man in Asda trying to buy milk. 2.Walking round in public with baby sick stains on your crotch is only acceptable if people see you’re with a baby, otherwise you’re just a weirdo. 3.Your baby pooing in the bath stops being funny after the 11th time. 4.Until you’ve put a four-day old soiled muslin cloth to your nose to check if it’s clean you have no idea what the phrase ‘rank smell’ means. No idea at all. 5.Pureed roast dinners are well nice. 6.On the right day, after the wrong night, running out of coffee can make you want to weep uncontrollably. 7.Imitating your son’s ‘Poo Stare’ will scare your wife more than any trick or treaters. 8.A baby that won’t nap is more stubborn than the last bit of ketchup in the jar. 9.Making my 7 month old twins laugh uncontrollably with a silly noise feels better than making 500 strangers laugh with a crafted routine. 1...

(Read Part 3 here) MONDAY Refused to take my nap today - was convinced something amazing was going to happen and didn’t want to miss it. Nothing happened. Got annoyed. TUESDAY My food arrived but they didn’t feed me for ages. They kept shouting a lot and blowing on it. I started to whinge so the idiots gave me a tambourine. I wanted food, not percussion. WEDNESDAY I cried for ages last night so they put me into the big people’s bed which was well comfier than my stupid cot. If that’s what happens when you cry I’ll definitely do that again tonight. THURSDAY Tried to cry myself into their bed again but they stood firm. Cried harder than ever but in the end gave up and had a really lovely sleep actually. FRIDAY Teeth were hurting me today. Why do people think I want to see them pull funny faces when I’m crying? They’ve got no idea what I’m going through. SATURDAY Felt a bit sad today but then did a poo that took lots of effort and then I felt dead happ...

(Read Part 2 here) MONDAY Woke up late in a great mood and forgot I was hungry. Then remembered I was hungry and all hell broke loose. TUESDAY Can't be sure but think one of the big people did a trump today and blamed it on me. I know I'm new here but that doesn't seem fair. Gonna fill my nappy tomorrow and blame them. WEDNESDAY New toy arrived today and wasn't sure about it so put it in my mouth for a bit. Still not sure but left it in my mouth anyway. THURSDAY Big people were really annoying at food time. Kept holding my hands. So what if I want to eat through my eyes? I'm an individual. FRIDAY Was in a really grabby mood today. Felt like grabbing everything. Grabbed myself in the bath in a part I didn't know existed and the big people laughed but then looked quite concerned. SATURDAY Had some food today that was even nicer than my bib. Made my face move in directions I didn't think was possible. Mind. Blown. SUNDAY...

(Read #5 here) 1.People caught parking in the parent & child spaces without kids should be forced to do their weekly shop with teething triplets who haven't napped. 2.The sense of injustice felt by a near sleeping baby as they remove their own dummy is comparable only with false imprisonment. 3.My sons have got enough food in their neck folds for their own Harvest Festival. 4.The only people who benefit from the clocks going back are the people who don't need an extra hours sleep in the first place. Bastards. 5.Four ruined outfits in an hour means the day is officially a write-off, everything is cancelled and you should go back to bed. (Like that’s an option…) 6.If they made a Top Gear style show about prams I would definitely watch it. 7.When burping your baby in public it's always good to check there's nobody directly behind you. (And to the lady in the sheepskin coat in John Lewis, my sincere apologies.) 8.If you ever turn down th...

(Read last #4 here) 1.Blaming your baby's trumps on your partner never gets old. 2.Bathroom breaks are legitimate little holidays now. I won't rule out sit-down wees at some point either. 3.If you get too close to the baby monitor with the receiver the babies will wake up thinking they're at Download Festival. 4.It's easy to forget this and do it two days running. 5.Some sleepsuits are harder to get into than RADA. 6.People on the next table in Starbucks aren't as fascinated with your baby's bowel movements as you are. 7.Sleep deprivation is a tit. I queued for 5 minutes behind a row of empty parked cars. 8.My opinion on weaning poos fluctuates more than the weather. I'm a fan again this week. 9.One of our twins needs to play a lot of sport when he grows up as the way he's eating Channel 5 will want to make a documentary about him. 10.Using the baby change facilities when there's a queue makes you feel like you're on an episod...

MONDAY Today was brilliant – I cried all afternoon and refused to nap. Then did a wee in my cot so they had to change all the sheets. Can’t wait for tomorrow. TUESDAY Tried the crying thing again but accidentally fell asleep for three hours and woke up feeling great. Gutted. WEDNESDAY Had some proper food today. Don’t like chewing for myself though so as a protest I spat most of it onto the floor. Take that, big people. THURSDAY Managed to shove my hand right down my throat and made myself do a really weird cough that felt quite bad. Did it again straight after just to check. Felt bad again. Will try it loads tomorrow. FRIDAY Left a tiny bit of sick behind the sofa. They won’t find that for months. Fight the power! SATURDAY Had some fish for dinner. Quite enjoyed it but haven’t worked out how to tell my face yet so looked like I hated it. Then threw up this smelly fishy puke all over my sleepsuit so they put me in the bath. Then pooed in the bath so the...

(Read #3 here) 1.Parents who tell you their kids 'always sleep right through' are pure dicks. 2.After seven hours straight with babies it’s REALLY difficult to talk to another adult without wanting to squeeze their cheeks and make noises like a lunatic. 3.I don't know what the adult equivalent of Calpol is but I need to get my hands on some. 4.Reflux causes more delays than a Tube strike. 5.Opening picture messages from your wife should be done discretely as they may contain a photo of your son's first actual turd. 6.I've forgotten what the bottom of our laundry basket looks like. 7.Nappy rash can seem worse than it is - my son's rump looked like The Rolling Stones logo all week but he was fine. 8.Nothing makes you feel more middle class than a baby massage class. 9.Shouting 'COOL DOWN YOU BASTARD' at a bowl of baby porridge has little or no effect. 10. Failure to tie both ends of the bag inside the nappy bin prop...

First of all, don't panic. Panicking is only useful if you’ve been set on fire or they open a new till at Aldi. In a nappy change environment, panic will ruin both your spirit and nice carpet. Be prepared. This isn't Chicago in the 40’s and you’re not Miles Davis - you can't just rock up and start improvising. You need to nail this operation to the wall. Get everything you need ready. Would you go camping without a tent? Wipes, wipes and more wipes. You can't have too many but you can definitely have too few. The last thing you want is to run out and have to use your sock. Grab a new nappy. (Yes, you'll need one of these.) This sounds more patronizing than offering Lance Armstrong tips on bullshit I've lost count of the number of times I've done the hard work by getting a clean bum ready but forgotten to prep the fresh nappy. This is the parental equivalent of dribbling past three defenders, dancing round the oncoming keeper and then spo...

(Read #2 here) 1.I'd rather do my tax return on a roller coaster than look after twins with a hangover. 2.‘The Wheels on the Bus’ is a truly terrible song. They probably use it in Guantanamo Bay. 3.No matter how long you wait, the bathroom doesn't start to self-clean itself like white people with dreadlocks tell you their hair does. 4.A baby's neck-folds is a legitimate place to check for lost property. 5.My comment two weeks ago about being a fan of solid food poos was hopelessly premature. They are rank. 6.A 6 month old can kick you hard enough in the knackers to doubt you’ll ever give them more siblings. 7.Whoever designed babies is a dick. "I know! When they need to sleep really badly I'll programme them to get incredibly angry so that sleep is impossible!” 8.The 'Calpol Spritzer' that the wife joked about sounds pretty tempting. 9.I love my kids more than anything in the world. 10. I’d love them a little bit mor...

(Read #1 here) 1.Running out of baby wipes mid-change is scarier than any of the Saw movies. 2.It’s pointless emptying the nappy bin as it will always be full. Always. 3.Joking to your wife that you really appreciate her ‘doing her 49% share of everything’ is definitely not funny. 4.Nothing can prepare you for the first time they poo in the bath. It’s horrific. 5.Trying to find the right position to soothe a crying baby is like trying to find phone signal at a music festival. 6.Some baby bowel movements are like an exorcism – pain – fear – relief. Followed by unbridled joy. 7.The smell of a bad nappy lingers in your house longer than the last few coffee Quality Streets at Christmas. 8.It’s possible to drink that much coffee you can hear your teeth. 9.Few things are sadder than reaching for a bottle of wine from the rack and remembering that’s now where you store the kitchen roll. 10.Nothing brings you back down to earth quicker after a really go...

1.The grime inside a baby’s neck folds is worse than anything found on a nightclub floor. 2.Coffee is more important than oxygen. 3.Someone has told my lads that solid food is ingested via the ears and nose. 4.Dirty nappies after solids get a very bad press. I’m a fan. 5.It’s possible to get so excited about going to sleep that you can’t sleep. 6.Babies should be born with teeth. 7.If something looks like poo and smells like poo, it’s poo. 8.If something looks like Marmite and smells like Marmite, it’s poo. 9.Both twins simultaneously weeing in the bath to create a live water feature is much funnier than I thought. 10.Playing with my kids is amazing but nap time is just as amazing (and sometimes more so). (Read #2 here) I'm a stand up comic and new dad to twins. You can click here to follow me on Facebook where I post all my blogs, memes and other blatherings about parenthood. Or go to the top right of this page. If the mood takes you, y...

I’ve been in loads of pukey situations in my life – lads holidays, rugby tours, choppy boat trips. I even once watched a Celine Dion DVD. But I have never experienced a variety of puking as diverse as since my twins were born. 1.The Seagull They’ve only just fed but you can’t resist holding them aloft like Superman. It’s so cute! Until on the third swoop they vomit like a drain all over your face. You’re an idiot and you deserve every drop. 2.The Snail Trail Moves down your back slower than a Child Benefit back-payment, leaving a nasty stream behind it. Normally starts on your shoulder and can end anywhere as low as your calf or ankle. 3.The Low Blow Puke all over your crotch. Easily the worst place to have a visible stain so you can guarantee this will only happen in Starbucks. 4.The Fangs Two dribbles, one each side of the mouth. You feed them. You look away. You look back and they’ve turned into baby Dracula. 5.The Beppe Similar to The Fangs but with a...

1. Leaving the house on time is harder than Chinese algebra. 2. A hot cup of coffee is something I used to drink. 3. An ‘epic’ lie-in as a dad means getting up at 8.30am. 4. The Gruffalo’s Child is the best sequel since The Godfather Part II. 5. ‘Has this got poo on it?’ is now the most popular question in our house. 6. Changing rancid nappies is a great way to stop biting your nails. 7. Your childless male friends don’t want to hear in depth stories about your son’s first smile. 8. It’s possible to be so tired that you feel sick. 9. Eating half a pack of biscuits for breakfast every day for a month makes you fat. 10. Having another parent tell you their babies ‘sleep right through’ does not enhance your day. Click here to follow this blog on  Facebook  where I also post my memes and other blatherings about parenthood. Or share using the buttons below.

HERE'S MY 10 ESSENTIALS FOR NEW PARENTS: A bottle making machine – it’s 2015 and we have amazing things like WiFi and stuffed crust pizza so why struggle with manually getting the temperature of your baby milk perfect? Loads of bibs, and not Velcro ones as they attack all the other washing in the machine like sticky parasitic bastards. A Moses basket that doesn't creak like a listed building every time your baby farts at 3 in the morning. At least 450 muslin cloths. A baby sick coloured carpet for minimal stain visibility. A baby sick coloured sofa. A range of baby sick coloured clothes (if you don’t have them already, you’ll have them soon enough) More clothes for your baby than even Madonna would have – they’ll never stop finding new and inventive ways to soil them. Something to cover your boy’s willie when you’re changing his nappy – stops him whazzing all over himself which is never nice to see, even though he seems to quite like it. ...

1.You’re surrounded by the smell of shit and baby wipes. Whether you’re front left at the Pyramid Stage or stood in your kitchen, you’ll be inhaling this aroma the whole time. It’s omnipotent. 2.You’re lucky if you get two hours sleep a night. It could be your baby screaming the house down or the early morning sun turning your tent into a sweat-den after a late night at Shangri-La, but sleep isn’t happening either way. 3.You inadvertently sing along to some truly terrible music. From Peppa Pig to Chas and Dave, Tellytubbies to Kanye West – it’s all crap. But you will be humming it. Just because it’s catchy doesn’t mean it’s good. Ebola is catchy. 4.You can say goodbye to nice relaxing toilet breaks. Whether it’s queueing to squat over a rancid portaloo or doing a poo in installments because you thought you heard your baby crying, neither are attractive options. 5.You’re only ever five minutes away from being kneedeep in sludge. Maybe it’s a torrential downf...

Opening your baby’s nappy is like a box of chocolates – you never know what you’re going to get and you’ll probably end up with sticky fingers. My twin boys are 10 weeks old and these are the 12 types of nappy I’ve encountered so far. (If you’re eating your dinner I recommend reading this a bit later on.) 1.The Leak (AKA The Pooseidon Adventure ) It’s everywhere except in the nappy itself. Worse still, it’s leaving a trail. If Hansel and Gretel had a leaking baby with them the story would’ve ended happily. This type makes me actually doubt gravity. How can something that goes down end up on their shoulder? If it wasn't so gross you'd stand up and applaud. Unfortunately you can’t even enjoy the irony of removing a sleepsuit with bum juice up the back and ‘Too Cute’ across the front. (There are many causes of The Leak , one of which I covered in it’s full gory detail here. ) 2.The Tardis (AKA The Turdis , The Doctor Poo ) This is when the amount of was...