Opening your
baby’s nappy is like a box of chocolates – you never know what you’re going to
get and you’ll probably end up with sticky fingers. My twin boys are 10 weeks
old and these are the 12 types of nappy I’ve encountered so far.
(If you’re
eating your dinner I recommend reading this a bit later on.)
1.The Leak (AKA The Pooseidon Adventure)
It’s
everywhere except in the nappy itself. Worse still, it’s leaving a trail. If
Hansel and Gretel had a leaking baby with them the story would’ve ended happily.
This type
makes me actually doubt gravity. How can something that goes down end up on
their shoulder? If it wasn't so gross you'd stand up and applaud. Unfortunately
you can’t even enjoy the irony of removing a sleepsuit with bum juice up the
back and ‘Too Cute’ across the front.
(There are
many causes of The Leak, one of which I covered in it’s full gory detail here.)
2.The Tardis (AKA The Turdis, The Doctor Poo)
This is when
the amount of waste inside is more than physics will allow. Normally
accompanied by a cry of ‘HOW IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE?’ from the erstwhile
changer.
Disgusting
but scientifically fascinating.
3.The Adidas
Three
stripes of poo in perfect unison.
In the
interest of corporate balance I once had some baby sick on my t-shirt that
looked like the Nike swoosh.
4.The Turn A Blind Eye (AKA The Can I Leave it?)
We’ve all
been there – you’ve had a tricky feed with enough puke to wallpaper the lounge.
You’ve just got them down and you’re about to drop off yourself. But just before
you reach the promised land of nod the silence is pierced by a sound so
squelchy that you suspect a pair of ducks have broken in and started mud
wrestling.
The
questions go through your head.
Should I get out of bed and check the nappy?
Or should I just pretend there is nothing to
check?
If you go
with the latter make sure you have a decent cover story when the grisly incident
is uncovered.
“Sorry luv,
he was fine when I went to sleep. I must have already dropped off by the time
he shat on the curtains.”
5.The Phantom (AKA The X Factor - all hype, zero content)
You've heard
plenty of bottom chatter but you open the nappy and it’s emptier than an MP’s promise.
Has it gone back up from whence it came?
Was it (for want of a better word) a poomerang? It’s a fecal mystery. The
depressing reality is that you may be about to witness the sheer terror of the
next type of nappy below.
6.The Live Poo
This is when
the whole (and indeed, hole) incident plays out in front of you like an advert
for one of those Play Dough factories. Before my sons were born I had never
seen a turd leaving it's natural habitat. Now I’ve seen it more than Eastenders.
The first
time I was subjected to the abject horror of The Live Poo I was so appalled at what my eyes were seeing I yelped
like a dog with its tail caught in a car door. As I shrieked in disgust I jerked
my head back, like I'd been shown a truly obnoxious yet very impressive magic
trick.
The last
time I dealt with a Live Poo the new
nappy filled up almost instantly too, as my son continued to download the
brownload at high speed. So I ended up recreating the famous scene from Indiana
Jones (with my second new nappy) where he quickly replaces the precious stone
with his bag of rubble, just to stop the bum nuggets scattering across the
carpet.
At times
this one can feel like your child is giving a less-than-stellar review of your
parenting.
7.The Encore
It’s
finished. It’s over. You’ve dealt with it. You’re moving on. Except it’s suddenly
started again and you’re back to square one. Like a low budget horror movie
villain, this one takes some licking (if you’ll pardon the expression).
8.The Katie Hopkins
One that is
completely full of shit.
9.The Colonel Mustard
Named after
the infamous Cluedo character, even though it’s very obvious whodunnit. The
smell is troubling, as is the colour – never mind the Bristol Stool Scale,
you’ll need the Dulux Colour Chart to figure out what’s going on with this one.
10.The Deal or No Deal
When you
open the nappy to find the opposite of what you were hoping for, but respond by
saying ‘It’s alright, it’s alright.’ Even though it’s definitely not alright.
11.The Profiterole (Male Only)
When the
sheer amount of anal snakes released into the nappy has caused your poor baby’s
gonads to be drizzled in bottom chocolate, causing them to resemble the famous
French faux pastry balls.
12.The Poonami (aka The Turdal Wave)
All of the
above combined. This will ruin your clothes, your day and your spirit. It’s
also guaranteed to happen in Costa.
Forget
wipes, you need to bring in NATO. Keep your pets at arms-length too or they’ll
be looking like those poor sea animals when there’s an oil spillage.
If you
haven’t experienced one of these yet, you will. And it will leave a stain on
your soul just as stubborn as the one on the sofa.
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Comments
My twin boys are 6weeks old and i have been up literally all night with them and even though i feel like death run over reading your blog has made the hours fly by. Thank you for the giggles, i can definitely relate
P.s. If you ever find out how to feed and wind them at the same time let me know :-)
The mother in law:
The poo that just turns up without prior warning. You didn't hear or smell it. You don't realise it's arrived until you open the nappy a while later and discover it. Good luck getting rid of that sucker!