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Showing posts from January, 2018

The Secret Diary of a 2 Year Old

MONDAY Managed to blag my way into the Big People’s bed. Spent half the night administering cock-punches and vag-kicks. Doubt I’ll be asked back. TUESDAY Fell over in a ridiculous fashion that lasted 15 seconds and obviously didn’t hurt in the slightest. It was clearly hilarious but I was still very disappointed in Mummy when she started laughing. WEDNESDAY Daddy took me the museum. They had an extensive collection of archaeology and the natural and physical sciences. But mainly, there was a big fuck-off ramp near the bogs. THURSDAY Daddy shouted at me today. He never normally shouts so he apologised straight away and looked a bit sad. I told him not to worry as sometimes I can be a right little obnoxious turd and actually, all things considered, he’s pretty patient actually. FRIDAY I always seem to be carrying one thing too many which makes me drop absolutely everything. Then I start picking everything up but that one extra thing makes me drop everything a


*ROUSING ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS AS DRONE CAMERA FOOTAGE PANS THROUGH FRONT DOOR OF SEMI-DETACHED HOUSE. WE SEE TOTAL DESTRUCTION IN THE HALLWAY. THE TV IS BLASTING ACROSS THE EMPTY LOUNGE. BISCUIT CRUMBS ARE SCATTERED ACROSS THE SOFA. COUNTLESS STAINS ARE VISIBLE ON THE CARPET* VOICEOVER: To the untrained eye, this modest property is merely a run-of-the-mill suburban dwelling. But these crude crayon etchings across the wall tell a very different story. For this house is one filled to the brim with conflict, dispute and illogical misunderstandings. This house, is the home of toddlers. *CLOSE UP SHOT OF CHILD LYING ON KITCHEN FLOOR KICKING LEGS AND REFUSING TO LET GO OF A SPATULA* VOICEOVER: And no other life form on the planet is as thoroughly uncooperative as the human toddler. *SHOT OF CHILD SAYING NO TO A DRINK THEN YELLING WHEN THEY AREN’T GIVEN ONE. THEN LOSING THE PLOT WHEN GIVEN ONE IN WRONG CUP* *CUT TO WIDE SHOT OF KITCHEN* VOICEOVER: Here we see th

The 5 Stages of Owning Noisy Toys

1. EXCITEMENT Wow! A new toy. How cool! And it sings three different songs too. That's a relief as I was slightly tired of the other ones but this one seems different. Much less annoying.  We'll have endless fun with this one, kids. That's for sure! 2. YOU LEARN THE WORDS Look, everyone! *presses button, sings along, feeling great* This is better than karaoke. Hit that button again! Whooo! 3. YOU SING THE WORDS AT ALL TIMES Bloody hell, that song is a real earworm isn’t it? Catchier than Ebola. Can't stop singing it. Losing my mind a bit actually. Like those Tetris dreams I used to have. 4. IT ENTERS YOUR SOUL Oh, that SHITTING SONG. I can't think straight. I swear I heard it in my sleep last night.   This is hell on earth. In fact it's worse because I can't even hear myself scream - all I can hear is that frigging song. 5. LOSS OF RATIONAL THOUGHT I'd do time for that fucking thing. As soon