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The Secret Diary of a 2 Year Old

Managed to blag my way into the Big People’s bed. Spent half the night administering cock-punches and vag-kicks. Doubt I’ll be asked back.

Fell over in a ridiculous fashion that lasted 15 seconds and obviously didn’t hurt in the slightest. It was clearly hilarious but I was still very disappointed in Mummy when she started laughing.

Daddy took me the museum. They had an extensive collection of archaeology and the natural and physical sciences. But mainly, there was a big fuck-off ramp near the bogs.

Daddy shouted at me today. He never normally shouts so he apologised straight away and looked a bit sad. I told him not to worry as sometimes I can be a right little obnoxious turd and actually, all things considered, he’s pretty patient actually.

I always seem to be carrying one thing too many which makes me drop absolutely everything. Then I start picking everything up but that one extra thing makes me drop everything again. I really wish there was a simple solution for this.

Was sitting on the bottom of the stairs AKA The Naughty Step and Daddy wanted to get past. He asked me to move but I wouldn’t so he threatened to put me on the naughty step, not realising I was already on it. I tried to explain this but the moron once again threatened me with the bloody naughty step. So, let me get this straight - YOU WANT ME TO GET OFF THE NAUGHTY STEP OR ELSE YOU’LL PUT ME ON THE NAUGHTY STEP? Mate, you’re useless.

Daddy was doing MY tits in so I put HIM on the naughty step. He made himself a brew, grabbed the Sunday papers and sat there for ages. The audacity of that man is unreal.

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🤓 I post a new 'Secret Diary of a 2 Year Old' to my FB page every Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic and dad of toddler twins...If you enjoyed this you'll probably enjoy my book 'Confessions of a Learner Parent' and you can also find me on Instagram @thelearnerparent


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