Sam Avery

MONDAY Sometimes it feels like nobody understands me. IF I THROW SOMETHING ON THE FLOOR IT DOESN’T MEAN I DON’T WANT IT. I’m expressing myself. TUESDAY Had a raspberry conversation with my own arse this evening. Really enjoyed it. We chatted about all sorts. Tried to start it up again later but things got a bit heated and I accidentally shat myself. WEDNESDAY Spent all morning trying to put my fingers in the plug socket. Surprise, surprise, the bloody big people wouldn’t let me. Spoilsports. Decided to scream and head butt the wall. Hurt like fuck. Cried more. Big person picked me up and moved me away. I went straight back to the sockets. They moved me away again. This is not over. THURSDAY Saw my reflection whilst having a poo today. Christ almighty. Have I been pulling that face the whole time? I look like the big people when they stand on Lego. FRIDAY Really wanted to go to nursery with no clothes on today. Why is this never an option? I reckon most other

1.Toddlers have a 'sweet spot' for napping when they're just sleepy enough but not overtired. That 'sweet spot' lasts approximately fifteen seconds. 2.No matter how exhausted I am during the day, the second the kids go down I suddenly have more energy than a puppy with an amphetamine issue. 3."I'm gonna have to go mate, my teat's leaking" is a terrible way for a man to end a phone call. 4.If you have porridge stains on your crotch nobody sits next to you on the bus. 5.Watching your son crawl over to the telly so he can wave at the contestants on 'The Chase' may cause you to melt. ( This week's podcast has my chat with comedian, writer and mum, Jessica Fostekew :)

1.The most annoying part of the daily tidy-up is doing all the fucking jigsaws. 2.Buying suede shoes as a parent is as optimistic as a bull farmer opening a China shop next to his stables. 3.You don't need the gym when you can just push a pram with a flat tyre up a hill with a baby while holding a brolly in the wind. 4.When hurriedly bringing your baby into your bed at 5.30am you should really check first if they're crying because they've shat everywhere. 5.I used to think Father's Day was a load of commercial toss but after that lie-in this morning I'm now a fervant supporter. (My guest on this week's '5 Things I Learned' podcast is BBC 6 Music presenter and son of the legendary John Peel, Tom Ravenscroft. You can find it  here : or go to the right hand column of my site.)

1.A soft play area is no place to go with a hangover. 2.No matter where you put them at the end of each day, one of your kid's shoes will go missing in the morning. 3.Sitting on your stairs just so you can keep an eye on both kids makes you feel like a crap lifeguard. 4.If you squeeze too many noisy books into the same shelf they all start talking to each other, shitting you right up. 5.Judging by the sheer amount of gonad kicks I've endured this week, my boys don't want any more siblings. This week's '5 Things I Learned' Podcast features my chat with Scottish Comedy Award Winner (and dad of 2) Mark Nelson. Get it on iTunes , Stitcher or Podbean .

1.If we didn't occasionally have visitors I doubt we'd ever clean our house. 2.My son is currently waking up half an hour earlier each day. At this rate by next week he'll be getting up before he goes to bed. 3.Everytime I go to put the Vanish away I think, "Nah, frig it. I'll need it again in a minute." 4.My kids have started laughing at furniture. Might take them to IKEA and blow their minds. 5.Pulling a weird face does absolutely fuck all to reduce the volume of squeaky floorboards. (My guest on this week's parenting podcast is comedian, mum of two and star of Have I Got News for You & Mock The Week amongst others - the very funny Lucy Porter. Get it on iTunes now )

MONDAY Cried at dinner. No way was I putting that muck in my mouth. No chance. Then they tricked me into tasting a bit and do you know what? Fucking lovely it was. So tasty I screamed when there was none left. TUESDAY Needed a poo all day but managed to save it till bathtime. Absolute carnage. It's worth sitting in your own filth just to see the look on their faces. WEDNESDAY Fell over today. Didn't hurt in the slightest but big people made a fuss so thought I'd better cry. THURSDAY Woke up in my cot last night standing up, crying. Not sure what I was trying to achieve. Pretty embarrassing all round really. FRIDAY Finally getting the hang of this crawling lark. I can go anywhere. It's amazing. SATURDAY Crawled off a step today, right into the bins. Fucking terrible. My hands were still trying to crawl as I was falling. Not sure this mode of transport is for me. Might have a go at that bum shuffling thing. Looks safer. SUNDAY Went t

1.Clipping your baby's nails when they're asleep makes you feel like a bomb disposal expert. 2.No matter how long you've been a parent for, nothing prepares you for sticking your fingers in shit. 3.Floorboards are squeaker after 8pm. Fact. 4.Some days it's possible to spend all day getting that excited about going to bed that when you get to bed you're so excited you can't sleep. 5.For some reason I still set my alarm for 7am every morning. Fucking pointless. (Download my new parenting podcast '5 Things I Learned' here )