Sam Avery

1.If you're not careful, a day of relaxed nothingness without the kids can easily morph into a 3 hour blitz of the house and a visit to the tip. 2.There's nothing weird about getting poo on my hand anymore. Which is weird in itself. 3.My new motto is 'Ah, fuck it. That'll do." 4.I'll never understand the tastebuds of a toddler: my son will eat coal but refuses chicken. 5.Our house smells like a condemned pet shop. Finally, the highlight of my week was definitely this: Twin 1 cries. Twin 2 crawls to other side of room, retrieves dummy, gives to his brother. Twin 1 settles. Daddy gets something in his eye... I'm a stand up comic and dad of twins. You can follow my parenting blog on Facebook , Twitter , Instagram or sign up to get each new blog via email on the right hand column of my website. I also release a weekly podcast where I chat to fellow parents about what they've learned.

1.Arriving somewhere EARLY with the kids will freak you out. (I expected the universe to implode.) 2.If you're on your third cup of coffee and fourth slice of pizza by 9.30am it's gonna be a long day. 3.Those happy toddlers enjoying ALL their food in the recipe books are CGI, right? 4.When my wife dresses the kids she picks the nicest outfit. When I dress them I pick whatever goes on easiest. 5.It's entirely possible to be so exhausted that you drop a biscuit and call it a c**t. 6.I feel sorry for the snail in our outside bin. Trapped in a pit full of rancid nappies and broken dreams. 7.They should change the name of Teddy Bears Picnic to 'Let's Wreck Daddy's Trousers' 8.Minging food on a floor is more appetising to a toddler than haute cuisine on a plate. 9.I'm pleased my kids are showing an interest in books, if only they wanted to read more than the same two ALL THE TIME. 10.As a parent I've actually listen

My guest this week is the BBC 6 Music Breakfast Show host and dad of two, Shaun Keaveny. Plus we launch a search to find the most annoying toy on the planet and hear some incredible responses to Facebook Question of the Week. iTunes:  https:// goo.gl/gcD6Cs   Stitcher:  http://www.stitcher.com/s?fid=90435&refid=stpr   Podbean:  http://samavery.podbean.com/e/sam-avery-5-things-i-learned/

1.The moment your toddler learns how to remove their nappy is scarier than Skynet becoming self-aware. 2.Nap time is the absolute tits. 3.I'm pretty sure there's only three different episodes of In The Night Garden. It's the Status Quo of kids TV. 4.And if you *slightly* mispronounce a character name from that show there's a good chance you'll unwittingly use a racial slur. 5."Who’s your favourite twin?" "The one that isn’t crying." 6.Never mind forgetting what you've come into a room for, some days I forget which room I'm going to on the way there. 7.Wine is the answer. (I just don't know what the question is.) 8.My son can fire nuggets from his arse further than I can throw a frisbee. 9.I still haven't cleaned the inside of the bin. To be honest, I'm so used to the smell now I think I'd miss it. 10.If you criticise when older parents say 'we never had parent and child spaces

I want my twin boys to be clever and smart. But I hope neither turns out to be a child genius. This morning one of them shat himself awake while the other spent an hour licking the sofa. It seems unlikely that MENSA will be in touch anytime soon. And I’m fine with that. Not that I don’t want my kids to flourish or be successful, you understand. I hope they show drive, ambition and a willful enthusiasm to accomplish beautiful, remarkable things that I could only dream of. But I hope they enjoy their childhood first. And I’m not sure they would if they were certifiable Einsteins by the age of 3. Imagine wiping the arse of someone significantly smarter than you. “Father, without wishing to appear rude, uncouth or in any way ungrateful I would strongly suggest that you stick to a clockwise motion to minimize the increased statistical inevitability of your index finger slipping through this competitively priced but ultimately inadequate latrine paper and becoming reacq

1.It's impossible to tidy the house. You can move things around and put them in different rooms but the house will remain a shit hole. 2.If The Magic Roundabout was influenced by LSD then In The Night Garden was inspired by an angry crack comedown. 3.Sleep deprivation renders previously simple decisions as confusing as Welsh hip-hop. 4.My boys scream when I enter the room and cry when I leave. This must be how Justin Bieber feels all the time. 5.I've had more piss on me this week than a urinal cube. 6.Trying to feed a toddler who's refusing all food is stressful enough to bring you out in hives. 7.I'm sure one of my boys first words was 'dick' and it was aimed at me. 8.If I didn't go out and work now and again I'd never have a poo in peace. 9.Dummies vanish like budget airline luggage. 10.I realised today I haven't used a muslin cloth in ages. This makes me sad. Sign up for my mailing list on the top r