I want my twin boys to be clever and smart. But I hope
neither turns out to be a child genius.
This morning one of them shat himself awake while the other
spent an hour licking the sofa. It seems unlikely that MENSA will be in touch
anytime soon. And I’m fine with that.
Not that I don’t want my kids to flourish or be successful, you
understand. I hope they show drive, ambition and a willful enthusiasm to
accomplish beautiful, remarkable things that I could only dream of.
But I hope they enjoy their childhood first. And I’m not
sure they would if they were certifiable Einsteins by the age of 3.
Imagine wiping the arse of someone significantly smarter than you.
“Father, without wishing to appear rude, uncouth or in any
way ungrateful I would strongly suggest that you stick to a clockwise motion to
minimize the increased statistical inevitability of your index finger slipping
through this competitively priced but ultimately inadequate latrine paper and
becoming reacquainted with my faeces.”
Jesus.
We all moan about kids TV but I’d rather sit through eight
episodes of Tellytubbies than have to watch a marathon of classic French cinema
with my boys.
Imagine taking your kid to a soft-play area when all they
wanted to do was read Chaucer’s Troilus
and Criseyde.
Fuck. That.
If you were unfortunate enough to catch the end of Channel
4’s Child Genius Grand Final earlier
this week, you may still be vomiting bits of your soul into the nearest bin.
For those unaccustomed with the format, these super-brains
line up against each other to answer some improbably difficult questions and a
winner is declared. The whole thing made me feel very uncomfortable and not
just because I didn’t know any of the answers. (Or understand the questions.)
One girl’s specialized subject was ‘Margaret Thatcher’s
Monetery Policy and Tax Reform, 1979-1990.’
She was 9 years old.
NINE.
At that age my specialized subject would’ve been ‘All The
Places I’ve Wiped Bogeys, 1985-88.’
She then spelled words correctly such as 'Thelytokous' and
'Eleemosynary' which look more like your Scrabble pieces when you can’t go than
actual words.
The parents came under fire for being too pushy but I
wondered, if my kids were in this competition would I be just like them? Nobody
wants their offspring to fail.
I’m happy in the knowledge that’s an unlikely scenario for
most of us. Then again, I’m someone who considers making a room full of drunk
people laugh more important than nuclear fusion. I’m clearly not a role model.
The kids were lazily mocked too but it’s hardly their fault
they were born with exceptional IQ’s. They wanted to learn and show off their knowledge,
albeit perhaps with slightly over-zealous parents encouraging them to get in
front of the camera.
The whole thing just made me feel like I did sat on my
aunties wooden floor watching a pirate copy of E.T. aged 6 - sad and
uncomfortable.
I want my kids to follow their dreams and be successful. I
want them to cure AIDS and play for Everton and invent cheese and end global
poverty and write novels and own a pub and become Prime Minister. Will I push
them to do these things? I hope not but only time will tell.
First, I want them to have a childhood. And I won’t let
anything get in the way of that.
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