Sam Avery

MONDAY Got some new books today but for me, there’s nothing more relaxing than sitting down with a book I’m very familiar with. I must have read that one about the zoo a million times and despite the fact there’s no real story, character development or a satisfying conclusion, it really moves me. Plus it’s fun to hear the big people try to inject false enthusiasm into their voice when I demand we read it again. TUESDAY I’ve been saying this for a while now but Postman Pat is an absolute knob. I’m only 20 months old and even I know he’d struggle to get his hands on a fucking plane. Love Peppa Pig though. What a role model. I hope I grow up to be just as obnoxious as her. WEDNESDAY Refused to take my nap today. Was convinced something amazing was going to happen and I didn’t want to miss it. Nothing happened. Got annoyed. THURSDAY Played with daddy’s iPad this morning but they took if off me. Said they’d put it somewhere safe. Found it on the sofa later so put it in ...

MONDAY The big people need to understand that just because I’ve got shit in my pants doesn’t mean I need changing. The smell might be horrible but I honestly don’t mind. Plus I’m closer to the source so if anyone should be able to veto a nappy change it should be me. TUESDAY Went to the park but they wouldn’t let me off those stupid reins. Kept telling me it was just my special ‘Big Boy Bag’ I had to wear. What kind of bag has a big fuck-off lead attached to it? I’m not stupid you know. And anyway, I only wanted to run down the hill and across the busy road so I could dive in the lake. It’s perfectly safe. I saw a little dog in the same position who looked equally pissed off. We shared a moment but then he licked my head and I started crying. WEDNESDAY Spent most of today whining. Not about anything in particular, just toddler stuff. Annoyed myself in the end. Whined even more. It’s a vicious circle. THURSDAY More glittery stuff keeps appearing round the house. Tac...

MONDAY Bet myself that I could walk the entire length of the kitchen with my eyes shut. Walked into the oven instantly, fell over and bit my lip. The pain was terrible but to be honest, it was more embarrassing than anything. Will try again tomorrow. TUESDAY Locked myself in the disabled toilet at playgroup. Felt liberated for two seconds, then scared. Skipped crying this time and went straight for screaming. Big people shouted instructions through the door but it all sounded like bollocks to me. Played with the soap dispenser (which was AWESOME!) until light went off so went back to screaming. Was convinced this was now my life until door opened and light came back on. Haven’t felt that relieved since the mega-shit I did in baby yoga. Had a lovely cuddle with mummy. Tried to go back into toilet. She wouldn’t let me. Screamed again. JUST LET ME LIVE MY LIFE! WEDNESDAY Thinking about giving up my afternoon nap. It really eats into my day and makes it hard to get everyth...

MONDAY Mummy wouldn’t let me touch the radiator so I asked Daddy. He wouldn’t either. Touched it later when they weren’t looking. It was really fucking hot. Why did nobody stop me? TUESDAY Wrecking stuff is so much fun! Today I ripped my fave book to pieces, smashed a toy in half and totally destroyed a new outfit with a nappy leak that nearly caused Debenhams to be closed temporarily. I love being creative! WEDNESDAY It’s slowly dawning on me that I’m totally clueless in almost every area of life. Today I lay down on the floor and rubbed my face across the gravel. ON PURPOSE! It stung like fuck, obviously. What is wrong with me? THURSDAY Some snotty kid pushed me over at the soft play area today. I cried. They stuck their finger in my ear. I cried more. Mummy came over and blamed me. I cried even more. Injustice is a bitter pill to swallow - I was fuming for literally minutes. I don’t know this kid or what their game is but mark my words - retribution will be s...

MONDAY Sometimes it feels like nobody understands me. IF I THROW SOMETHING ON THE FLOOR IT DOESN’T MEAN I DON’T WANT IT. I’m expressing myself. TUESDAY Had a raspberry conversation with my own arse this evening. Really enjoyed it. We chatted about all sorts. Tried to start it up again later but things got a bit heated and I accidentally shat myself. WEDNESDAY Spent all morning trying to put my fingers in the plug socket. Surprise, surprise, the bloody big people wouldn’t let me. Spoilsports. Decided to scream and head butt the wall. Hurt like fuck. Cried more. Big person picked me up and moved me away. I went straight back to the sockets. They moved me away again. This is not over. THURSDAY Saw my reflection whilst having a poo today. Christ almighty. Have I been pulling that face the whole time? I look like the big people when they stand on Lego. FRIDAY Really wanted to go to nursery with no clothes on today. Why is this never an option? I reckon most other ...

MONDAY Shat myself awake again this morning. Not a great start to the week really. TUESDAY Managed to get myself into a standing position today. Honestly, never felt so alive! Was on top of the world. Shouting and laughing. Then realised I couldn’t get down and cried into the sofa till I fell over. WEDNESDAY If I do have to wear clothes when we leave the house, fine. But at least let me pick them. They’re obsessed with dinosaurs and stupid trains on everything. Why can’t I have something I like on the front of my jumper? Like glasses. I love grabbing those things. THURSDAY Got really angry today. For no reason. It felt good. Started laughing. This made me sad. Cried for a bit. Being me is exhausting. FRIDAY I wish they’d stop wiping my face all the time. Not everyone hates snot. It gives me character. Come to think of it, they’d look better with a bit of it on their face. Will share some tomorrow. I’ve got loads to go round. SATURDAY Debuted my crawling...

MONDAY The food round here is terrible. And chunky these days too. If God wanted me to chew he would've given me more than three teeth. And the big people are full of shit - they keep saying it's 'lovely' as they tuck into something completely different. Hypocrites. TUESDAY Actually wriggled off the sofa today. Wanted to do it for months but the big people have always intervened. Really hurt myself. Cried for ages. Why didn't the big people stop me? Will do it again tomorrow. WEDNESDAY Got to stop twatting my head on everything. It was funny at first but it's really becoming a problem now. THURSDAY Got abandoned today. Horrible scenes. Was left at this place with loads of other kids. Between you and me, I had the best day ever once I stopped crying. Made sure to scream again when the big people came to pick me up though. You've got to keep them on their toes. FRIDAY Still can't crawl. Have tried everything but it's dead har...

MONDAY Woke up last night to see one of the big people just staring at me. They seemed shocked to see me though God knows why. Then they dived on the floor so I couldn't see them but I knew they were still there as I could clearly hear them giggling. They're so immature. TUESDAY Dribbled so much it ended up in my eye. Sometimes I really do disgust myself. WEDNESDAY Was having a great nap on the sofa when they tried to move me to the cot. Screamed the house down. Who naps in a cot? Ridiculous. Even though I was tired I refused to sleep out of principle. You've got to make a stand against this sort of thing. THURSDAY Spent the whole day whining and shaking my hands about for no particular reason. Great times. FRIDAY Got like, fifteen new presents today! Was a bit overwhelmed to be honest. Didn't know what to do with myself so just stared at everyone. Next time I hope they give me more of the paper it came in. Tasty. SATURDAY 2016 is gonna be a big year for...

MONDAY Big people put me in the bouncer which is ridiculous because they know it makes me poo. They left me there for ages too, while they farted around picking stuff up off the floor. Decided to bounce like never before. They won’t do that again - that bouncer is wrecked, man. TUESDAY Learned a new noise today. Cross between a cough and a scream. Did it all day. Forgot to nap. Big people weren’t impressed. Made the noise at them. They seemed less impressed. WEDNESDAY Big people had me laughing by putting the blanket over their head and taking it off again. Credit where credit’s due, it’s brilliant. So clever. I don’t know how they come up with this stuff. THURSDAY I was pretty narky this afternoon so they tried that thing with the blanket again. Wasn’t funny in the slightest. They need some new material. FRIDAY Was in a proper mood because I was tired (that noise is so much fun to make!) so they put me to bed early. Got the giggles. Made the new noise. Got angry. Went to ...

MONDAY Big people kept checking my nappy all morning. Then when I finally did a poo they found it disgusting. Not sure what else they were expecting to be honest. TUESDAY Had the most amazing dream last night. About milk, mainly. WEDNESDAY My bum got really sore today and I panicked - thought it was another tooth coming through. Think it's just a rash. THURSDAY Screamed my head off at the shops today. Everyone was staring. It was fantastic. FRIDAY Finally learned how to blow raspberries, properly. None of this dribble-down-your-chin nonsense. That's for amateurs. SATURDAY I wish they’d stop wiping my face after meals. What if I want to save some for later? Wipe my bum all day long but keep your hands off the face. SUNDAY The big people gave me cuddles today when I was sad. Felt much better. Think I’m starting to warm to them. I'm a stand up comic and new dad to twins. Click here to follow my parenting blog on Facebook. (Or go to ...

MONDAY More visitors today. One of them had the worst breath and kept kissing me on the cheek. Puked right down his jumper sleeve. He won’t come near me again in a hurry. TUESDAY Still haven’t pooed. Been about four days now. I’m sure this isn’t right. I should probably speak to someone. WEDNESDAY Managed to store some food in my neck folds for a snack later. They’ll never find it there. THURSDAY Woke up dead early this morning singing. Everyone got out of bed. I went straight back to sleep. Who doesn’t love early mornings? FRIDAY MY TOOTH! IT’S HERE! Thank god the pain is over and I can just get on with my life. Celebrated by putting stuff in my mouth all day. SATURDAY Big people fed me but then went on to feed themselves. Seemed really selfish to me. I kept opening my mouth really wide but they wouldn’t share. Good job I stashed some food in my neck again. SUNDAY Got taken out and put in a massive bath today with loads of other people. They dunk...

(Read Part 5 here) MONDAY Cried all afternoon. Big people wanted me to sleep but I was far too tired for that. TUESDAY Puked on three different outfits today just as they got me into them. Made the big person cry. Felt guilty which made me do a poo. It leaked. Felt even more guilty. Puked again. Went to sleep. WEDNESDAY Getting sick of complete strangers squeezing my cheeks. Here’s an idea – if I don’t know you, don’t touch my face. How does that sound? THURSDAY Managed to burp, puke and then sneeze all over the sofa. What a mess. But what a feeling! FRIDAY Got taken to a fancy room with loads of lights and mirrors and stuff to touch. Was so excited. Slept right through it. SATURDAY Don’t think I’ve pooed for a while. I used to poo all the time. Should I be worried? SUNDAY Laughed properly today, like one of the big people. It felt amazing. Then got tired and screamed the house down. Life is so confusing. I'm a stand up comic and new...