The Secret Diary of a 7 Month Old (Part 6)

MONDAY

Cried all afternoon. Big people wanted me to sleep but I was far too tired for that.

TUESDAY

Puked on three different outfits today just as they got me into them. Made the big person cry. Felt guilty which made me do a poo. It leaked. Felt even more guilty. Puked again. Went to sleep.

WEDNESDAY

Getting sick of complete strangers squeezing my cheeks. Here’s an idea – if I don’t know you, don’t touch my face. How does that sound?

THURSDAY

Managed to burp, puke and then sneeze all over the sofa. What a mess. But what a feeling!

FRIDAY

Got taken to a fancy room with loads of lights and mirrors and stuff to touch. Was so excited. Slept right through it.

SATURDAY

Don’t think I’ve pooed for a while. I used to poo all the time. Should I be worried?

SUNDAY

Laughed properly today, like one of the big people. It felt amazing. Then got tired and screamed the house down. Life is so confusing.

I'm a stand up comic and new dad to twins. You can click here to follow me on Facebook where I post all my blogs, memes and other blatherings about parenthood. (Or go to the top right of this page)

Comments

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Ladies and gentlemen - some news! One recipient of my newsletter is now the 'lucky' (ahem) winner of an exclusive gig from me IN THEIR HOUSE! And that person is... Lyn Morter! Well done, Lyn! (Btw, if anyone from Ofcom is reading, you can check the legitimacy of this result via the Facebook Live video I did last week.) When I informed Lyn that she'd won she simply said, 'I've never heard of you' and 'How did you get my phone number?' so I'm sure that will be a great gig for everyone. (Only joking. She was thrilled.) Thanks to all of you for entering. But what now, Sam? I hear you screaming at your smartphones. Well, I'll be taking things a wee bit easier through August, spending some much needed time with my family after all the touring. But just like that former Governor of California of Austrian descent, I'LL BE BACK (sorry) in September with more blogs, videos and general waffle. I'm also heading b

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My wife and I developed our parenting systems through trial and error. One of the earliest rules we’d introduced was that if it was after 5am and one of the babies became unsettled, we wouldn’t waste our time trying to get them back down in their cot - we’d just bring them in with us. After a nice cuddle in our bed, they’d normally settle back down, barring the occasional impromptu fanny gouge or affable bollock kick. (Babies are the most violent sleepers on the planet, easily capable of committing GBH in the middle of reaching for their dummy.) Our twins were six months old. I was fast asleep. At least, the deepest sleep you can get once your kids arrive. My pre-kids sleep used to be the nocturnal equivalent of deep sea diving. Nowadays I’m lucky if I can submerge my toes in a puddle. Early on, my sleep was lighter than a Ryvita biscuit who’d been having it off with a helium canister they’d met on Tinder. Everything woke me up. Some nights I’d just lie there, bewi

Sam Avery

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