Sam Avery

MONDAY Was sick everywhere so kept shouting I’VE BEEN SICK I’VE BEEN SICK just in case Mummy (who was now covered in my sick) hadn’t realised. TUESDAY Nork-chopped Mummy during a mild banter session that got out of hand. She raised her voice and told me I shouldn’t hit. I calmly explained that I really enjoyed hitting her and that life was for living. She said I shouldn’t hit anyone, even if I did enjoy it, again with a slightly louder voice than was really necessary for the occasion. I reasonably argued that it was quite the jape to slap your mother across the bazongas when she was least expecting it and that anyone who disagreed must be dead inside. She disagreed. WEDNESDAY Couldn’t find my mask. Lost my shit. Looked everywhere. Daddy pointed out it was on my head. Didn’t even get embarrassed. Just pulled it down and cracked on. I love Sainsburys. Click for tickets THURSDAY Was put on the naughty step for repeatedly tit-walloping (Daddy this time -...

MONDAY Fell into the recycling. Couldn’t get out. Rolled around like a knobhead. Sat in a soggy bit. Put my finger inside a Dolmio jar. It hadn’t been rinsed properly. Ended up sobbing a salty balance of ripe tomatoes with a pinch of herbs and spices. Fuming. TUESDAY Was chewing on some plastic until Mummy said it was Daddy’s memory stick so spat it straight out. I don’t want his memories. Look at his face. It looks like a wallet. WEDNESDAY Top tip for toddlers: Wriggling around like an emotionally distressed pilchard while The Bastards attempt to imprison you inside your last nappy of the day concludes in sweet revenge when you wake the fuckers up with the subsequent hot piss spillage. Click here for tickets THURSDAY Suddenly needed a poo while in the bath but this time managed to alert the authorities and arrange rapid transport to the shitter. Released my chocolate hostage into it’s natural habitat like a total champ as everyone clapped and cheered. Felt like Elvis...

MONDAY I’m sorry, but if you’ve never slipped on frozen dog shit at the park then you honestly have NO IDEA what I’m going through. TUESDAY Opened the cubicle door at the soft play while Daddy was mid-piss. The cubicle opens straight into the bit where everyone eats so he panicked and started making weird high-pitched noises like a bin lorry. I ran towards the slide but then remembered I wasn’t wearing any pants so turned back, just in time to see Daddy pulling the most fucked up face I’ve ever witnessed as he tried (and failed) to take a brief hiatus from his slash while simultaneously trying (and failing) to grab the door handle that was slightly out of reach. As the diners looked on in disgust he nervously smiled at everyone (which made matters worse IMHO) and the stunned silence was only crudely broken by the unmistakable sound of urine splashing onto lino as he waddled a few inches sideways so he could grab the door handle, like some rare species of pissing crab. Then ...

***EXCITING NEWS KLAXON***  I’m thrilled to announce that I’m bringing my BRAND NEW Learner Parent stand up show to London Leicester Square Theatre! Tickets are now on general sale:  bit.ly/learnerparentlive I’m totally buzzing about this new show and I hope to see some of you there  :) p.s. I sent my mailing list a cheeky pre-sale link the day before they went onsale so if you want to jump the queue next time, sign yourself up here:  bit.ly/learnerparentnewsletter Sam x