MONDAY
I’m sorry, but if you’ve never slipped on frozen dog shit at
the park then you honestly have NO IDEA what I’m going through.
TUESDAY
Opened the cubicle door at the soft play while Daddy was
mid-piss. The cubicle opens straight into the bit where everyone eats so he
panicked and started making weird high-pitched noises like a bin lorry. I ran
towards the slide but then remembered I wasn’t wearing any pants so turned
back, just in time to see Daddy pulling the most fucked up face I’ve ever
witnessed as he tried (and failed) to take a brief hiatus from his slash while
simultaneously trying (and failing) to grab the door handle that was slightly
out of reach. As the diners looked on in disgust he nervously smiled at
everyone (which made matters worse IMHO) and the stunned silence was only
crudely broken by the unmistakable sound of urine splashing onto lino as he
waddled a few inches sideways so he could grab the door handle, like some rare
species of pissing crab. Then he realised he couldn’t fully shut the door
because I was still outside so to help him out I ran back towards the slide
again, laughing my little balls off. What a day.
WEDNESDAY
I’m great at sharing you know. Today I shared Mummy’s dinner
with her, a chocolate egg with myself and Daddy’s car keys with the bin.
THURSDAY
Daddy disrespected me so I put him on the naughty step. The
arrogant fuckmuppet actually SMILED (!!!) so I had no choice but to send him
straight to bed. Instead of crying about it like I do he started dancing up the
stairs shouting ‘WOOHOO!’ like a total bellend which made Mummy laugh so I sent
her to bed too. Threatened to send the dog up as well but he ran off. Didn’t
see either of them for half an hour. Think I made my point.
FRIDAY
Shat in the bath and in the ensuing chaos managed to stand
on the plug and jam it stuck. Our bath turned into a giant fecal lava lamp.
Apparently this meant I had to get out, despite now needing a bath more than
ever. Surely a common-sense approach would have benefitted all parties?
SATURDAY
Managed to get stuck between the sofa and the wall today
while trying to grab an old biscuit. Tried to move back. Couldn't do it. Cried.
Lay my head in my own snot and tears and gave up. Help arrived. They removed
me. Tried again two minutes later. Failed again. Cried more. Help arrived
again. Gave up. Felt embarrassed. Will try again tomorrow.
SUNDAY
I don’t mind if the Big People ask me to repeat something
once - my annunciation is poor and my general sentence structure is still very
much a work in progress. But, and forgive me if this comes across as a tad
prickly, if you ask me to repeat a word more than once I will scream like a
banshee and plot your immediate downfall. You have been warned.
🎤 COME SEE ME LIVE! My
brand new Learner Parent stand up show is coming to London Leicester Square
Theatre. Tickets are here.
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