MONDAY My new hobby is shouting ‘WATCH ME!’ and then doing something inexplicable shit. Today I stood with my legs slightly apart and waved my hands. And the big people PRAISED me! Dickheads. TUESDAY Started calling sliced kiwi fruits ‘hairy burgers’ in the shop. Mummy said I should call them something different. I asked her why she was laughing. She said she’d just remembered something funny from years ago. Strange woman. WEDNESDAY Daddy reckons I need to be wiping my own shitter before I start school in September. Ha! Alright mate. Whatevs. THURSDAY Was drinking from Daddy’s water bottle with my crisps. Left so many salt and vinegar floaties in the water his bottle looked like a cheap lava lamp. Daddy said I could have the rest. Result! FRIDAY Caught Daddy sliding a piece of cheese into his mouth with his head in the fridge. I shouted ‘CHEESE! CHEESE!’ continuously to let him know he’d been spotted and that if he didn’t want this intel to go global then he needed