Skip to main content


Showing posts from June, 2018

The Secret Diary of a 3 Year Old

MONDAY Played a game where I pretended to be Daddy. Try as I might I couldn’t quite manage to get fat, old and decrepid in the short time we were playing. TUESDAY Asked Daddy to get in the bath with me and then leathered him right in the tezzers. He yelped like a frog who’d just discovered he’d mistakenly booked his anniversary meal at a local French restaurant so I seized the moment and jammed my big toe into his ring piece. He got straight out muttering something to Mummy about needing counselling. WEDNESDAY Potty training begins tomorrow. Consumed several 9000 calorie, high intensity carbo-fibre megaportions in preparation. THURSDAY Mummy asked if I needed a poo. I said no. She asked if I was sure. I said no. She asked if I meant no I didn’t need a poo or no I wasn’t sure. I said no. Just as I was quietly bemoaning her ridiculous line of questioning, I shat myself. She seemed disappointed but I think if she’s really honest with herself, she’ll know it was all her fault. Th

The Secret Diary of a 3 Year Old

MONDAY Put a blanket on my head and ran into the wall. Screamed with the sheer bloody unfairness of it all. Standard start to the week. TUESDAY Saw two dogs doing something rather unsavoury to each other outside our house so asked what they were doing and Daddy said they were cuddling but when I pressed him for more details he just blushed and mumbled ‘ask your mother’ as he left the room. WEDNESDAY HATED my swimming lesson. Was crying and flapping my arms at Mummy and Daddy as they watched from the side. They smiled and waved back. Cheers for the support, pricks. Click for tickets THURSDAY I don’t respond well to deadlines. I’m a poet, man. I’m an artist. Don’t restrict me with your grown up fascist bullshit. FRIDAY I don’t care what I’m doing, when that beat drops on ‘Five Little Monkeys’ I’m losing my shit. I hope that tune never hits when I’m a brain surgeon because I’d just fuck the scalpel off mid-slice and start busting some moves. SATURDAY Went swimming

The 3 Year Old & The Cabbage (A Short Play)

*After 18 mins of farcical attempts to make the child taste the cabbage, he finally relents. A smile creeps across his face as he chews* PARENT: See! It's nice isn't it?! 3 Y/O: Yeah! PARENT: Do you want some more? 3 Y/O: No. *ends* Come see me live - 2018/19 UK tour dates