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Showing posts from February, 2018

The Secret Diary of a 2 Year Old

MONDAY Was licking the door handle in Costa so Daddy shouted across the shop, ‘I’VE TOLD YOU BEFORE, SON - GET THAT KNOB OUT YOUR MOUTH’ but then instantly covered his mouth like he was trying to push the words back in. Mummy broke down into some weird hysterical laughing fit. Daddy went bright red. I went back to licking the door handle. Everyone was staring. My parents are dickheads. TUESDAY Old droopy bollocks gave me the ‘just-because-YOU’RE-awake-doesn’t-mean-it’s-the-morning’ lecture today. Listen, pal - I don’t give two flat white shites what YOU call morning. In my book, the minute your kecks are soaked in piss then it’s time to pour the cornflakes. WEDNESDAY The baby gate has gone! Years of tyranny and oppression are finally behind us. All hail the new age of Freedom! THURSDAY Another baby gate has arrived! This is BULLSHIT. FRIDAY We were very late leaving the house this morning and everyone was stressed so it seemed like the perfect time to w

The Secret Diary of a 2 Year Old

MONDAY Curled one out during lunch so finished the meal standing up. Might seem a tad uncouth but three months ago I would’ve just sat down again and squashed the fresh bumfudge in my undercrackers together like a fecal flapjack. So, you know, progress. TUESDAY Already had a bump on my fod the size of a golf ball and then went and twatted my head right into the oven. Looked like a fucking Klingon. WEDNESDAY Watched Peppa Pig then ate a ham sandwich. Felt uneasy. Wasn’t sure why. THURSDAY Accidentally slept in till 8.45am. Daddy was dancing all over the bedroom like a tit and said he felt like ‘Travolta’ who must be some ancient sleep goddess from nordic times. Anyway, whoever it is he was fucking annoying with all that energy and happiness and shit. Won’t be doing that again. FRIDAY Some older lad was acting a total scrote down the soft play this morning with the chaps. He shoved my mate Snotface (don’t know his real name), lashed a ball at Badly Applied Le

The Secret Diary of a 2 Year Old

MONDAY Went the museum to see the dinosaurs and it was unreal how ancient and decrepid they looked but then Mummy explained we were still on the bus and it was rude to stare and point at old people. TUESDAY Daddy got home while I was drawing and this happened: DADDY: That’s a brilliant picture, son. Well done. ME: Thanks, Daddy. DADDY: What is it? ME: Oh for fucks sake. WEDNESDAY Mummy told me she ‘wasn’t my slave’ whilst simultaneously wiping the dried cack from my arse. Awful timing to make that particular point, love. THURSDAY You won’t read this in a self-help book but whatever you do, never start a fight with no pants on. Fucking nightmare. Was arguing with Mummy but my junk was all hanging out so it totally undermined my point. Plus it was quite nippy so with each remonstration I could feel my willie scrunching up like a baby sloth’s nose. FRIDAY Was busy clubbing the fridge with a spatula when Daddy told me off and asked how I’d like it if he

The Secret CV of a 2 Year Old

PERSONAL STATEMENT I am an opinionated little gobshite who is equally arsey working on my own or as part of a team. I am a results-driven thought leader who won’t let the fact that I’m having a bath get in the way of pushing out a hot turd. My communication skills are piss poor and I see every task through to it’s conclusion, unless distracted. I am highly motivated when avoiding naps or causing scenes (AKA ‘making memories’) and the affectionate nickname given to me by my colleagues of ‘The Dictator’ is testament to my ongoing commitment to excellence. I possess an exquisite ability to shout down everyone else’s suggestions while simultaneously offering none of my own which, I believe, makes me an ideal candidate for middle management. PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE EMPLOYER: My Family ROLE: Anal Waste Production Executive DATES: 2015-present ACHIEVEMENTS: As well as the creation of bum sludge on an industrial scale, it was my responsibility to ensure that