The Secret Diary of a 2 Year Old

MONDAY

Went the museum to see the dinosaurs and it was unreal how ancient and decrepid they looked but then Mummy explained we were still on the bus and it was rude to stare and point at old people.

TUESDAY

Daddy got home while I was drawing and this happened:

DADDY: That’s a brilliant picture, son. Well done.

ME: Thanks, Daddy.

DADDY: What is it?

ME: Oh for fucks sake.

WEDNESDAY

Mummy told me she ‘wasn’t my slave’ whilst simultaneously wiping the dried cack from my arse. Awful timing to make that particular point, love.

THURSDAY

You won’t read this in a self-help book but whatever you do, never start a fight with no pants on. Fucking nightmare. Was arguing with Mummy but my junk was all hanging out so it totally undermined my point. Plus it was quite nippy so with each remonstration I could feel my willie scrunching up like a baby sloth’s nose.

FRIDAY

Was busy clubbing the fridge with a spatula when Daddy told me off and asked how I’d like it if he did the same to one of my toys. I’m a toddler, mate. I couldn’t give less fucks if I was the Lord Mayor of Nofucksville.

SATURDAY

My cot is gone. In it’s place is a bed. I’m finally a big boy and I’m not gonna lie, it feels great. To celebrate I jumped onto the mattress to do a happy dance and went flying straight off the other side and into the bastard wall.

SUNDAY

Fell out of bed. Daddy put me back. Fell out again. Mummy put me back. Had a bad dream that I’d fallen out of bed. Woke up to find that I’d fallen out of bed. And pissed myself. I miss my cot.

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