Sam Avery

MONDAY Cried in the night so ended up in the Big People’s bed. It was fun – I clawed at both their faces, head-butted Mummy and kicked Daddy in the tezzers so many times they changed shape. We were all having a great time together so to say I was disappointed when they put me back in my own bed is a massive understatement. TUESDAY Did a sit-down wee on the toilet. Everyone cheered. Felt like Rocky. The pulsating atmosphere in the bathroom inspired me to then push out a Herculean bum nugget as a little encore for the fans but unfortunately, despite my facial gymnastics clearly indicating I was now pressing out a chunky dog log, Daddy must have assumed I was instead trying to solve calculus or maybe complete a formidable algebra equation because the oval-bollocked fuckwitt lifted me off the bog mid-turd. He’ll never wear those slippers again and it’s all his own fault. WEDNESDAY Listen, Mummy - if I say I don’t like something, please accept that. Just because I liked it yester

MONDAY How come when Mummy phones everyone else she presses one button but when she’s snitching on me to this Easter Bunny prick she dials every digit individually? I smell bullshit. TUESDAY Of all the shameful ways to fall over, slipping in your own piss while evading a new nappy is definitely up there. WEDNESDAY Stood on Daddy’s balls. Apologised to Mummy. Everyone laughed. I got confused. Maybe I’m just dead funny? THURSDAY Can’t believe I’m gonna be three. Will this be the year where I finally abandon nappies and embrace logic? For the sake of these diaries I do bloody hope not. FRIDAY Birthday party tomorrow. Wrote a speech on the kitchen wall with crayons but Mummy wiped it off so if they ask me to say a few words I’ll just have to wing it. SATURDAY - MY BIRTHDAY!  Woke up extra early to make everyone’s day difficult. Opened all my presents in eight seconds flat, then got overwhelmed so told Daddy his playlist was shit and slapped Grandad. Lo

MONDAY Did an Easter egg hunt. Picked up a dog turd. I prefer Christmas. TUESDAY Saw some 6 year old rocking a dummy. What a legend. WEDNESDAY Went to the park. Was excited to go on the big slide till I got to the top and saw how nervous Daddy was so became suddenly nervous myself. Sat at the top for ages regretting my life choices and when I finally plucked up the courage to move I got stuck halfway down in my stupid ‘slow’ pants. Started crying while bum-shuffling slowly down the slide like the last bit of ketchup in the jar so tried to stand up but Daddy freaked out shouting ‘HOLD ON, SON!’ while trying to run up the slide but slipping on his face like a total bellend. After getting laughed at by the entire park (and some passing motorists) he gave up and ran round to sprint up the steps but just ended up joining a queue of impatient toddlers waiting for their go on the slide. He tried to go back down but by now a load of other kids had joined the queue so he was boxed i