MONDAY I specifically asked for beans WITH toast and they gave me beans ON toast. Pricks. Then they wheeled out that trademark backtracking bullshit that the toast was unscathed (even though it was dripping in depraved bean juice) and that the beans were also fine (even though they’d been polluted to high buggery by that disgusting toast). Both items are quite lovely on their own but put them together and they become the stuff of nightmares, l ike Mummy with wine. TUESDAY On the packed bus this morning I pointed directly at the large lady next to us and shouted MOO-COW dead loud. Mummy went bright red and told me to shush but this woman clearly had a picture of a moo-cow on her bag so I’m not sure what all the commotion was about to be honest. WEDNESDAY Was messing about in bed tonight and Daddy told me to stop but I carried on jumping up and down with my blanket over my head while pretending to be a zoo. At this point he’d normally threaten to send me to bed but I was already
MONDAY Kicked off big style after bathtime so they sat me on the naughty step. Had no pants on so made a political statement by emptying my arse all over it. # fuckthepolice TUESDAY It’s simply not enough that I have all the toys I want. Other people must also have toys. Not necessarily the toys they actually want but the toys that I want them to have. And this can change dramatically at any moment for absolutely no reason so keep the fuck up, bozos. WEDNESDAY I wish everyone would stop telling me I can’t do stuff. It does my little tits in. THURSDAY Back on the naughty step today. I really don’t understand how the good old fashioned bottom step is now suddenly the naughty step? It’s a joke really as it’s the very same step that Daddy sits on to tie his shoelaces and he never screams, sobs and then reluctantly apologises before he gets up like I have to. FRIDAY Some little girl at the park had thrown her hat on the floor and her Mummy was telling her to pick it up but she
1. Never mind the big salaries at the BBC, I'm more annoyed they pissed money away making more than one episode of In The Night Garden. 2. That moment you're wolfing down your kid's leftovers and your partner says, 'They spat most of that out you know...' 🤢 3. This toddler 'mine' stage has gone supernova. My two year old just claimed both my feet were his. 4. My boys trying to feed yoghurt to their Nan over Skype is fucking hilarious. 🤣 🤣 5. The day before the binmen come is like Christmas Eve in our house. That's not right. 6. My two year old has started carrying a croquet mallet everywhere with him, like some upper class Negan. 7. A piss stained bus stop is no place for a family picnic. 8. ME: What's the opposite of hot? BOYS: Mummy! Oh dear.
MONDAY Managed to evade capture from the authorities just before bathtime (while totally bollocko) so went and laid low under the Big People’s duvet. God knows how but I ended up INSIDE the fucking thing and couldn’t get out. Felt like I was lost inside a big fluffy cloud which was fun for a bit (three seconds) and then suddenly scary when I realised I was stuck. Mummy tried to coax me back to the opening but I was too busy screaming to listen to instructions so Daddy reached inside and said I was ‘like a bloody hamster’ (whatever that means) as he pulled me out. The whole experience was more traumatic than being born. Anyway, in the confusion I managed to lay some dirty cables inside the duvet. They won’t find those for ages. TUESDAY Sneezed all over my toast so offered it to Mummy. She didn’t want it so I got upset and broke it into smaller pieces but astonishingly she still wasn’t keen so I lovingly ground it up into snotty toast dust and offered it to her again. She finally sa
1. Hell hath no fury like a toddler when you turn the telly off. 2. If you haven't sang 'Old Macdonald Had A Farm' all the way from M6 junction 12 to M62 junction 10, trust me - the time just flies by 😩 3. Some arguments my boys are now having with each other are ridiculous. A recent debate about whether a bus was a bus descended into full scale violence. 4. Standard conversation in our house... ME: Are you having a poo, son? *toddler's face changes actual shape while he grits his teeth and nearly pops an eyeball out* SON: No? 5. Introduced the old Black Lace 'Superman' song to my kids and apparently the command just after 'Clean your teeth' is 'Kick Daddy in the bollocks.'
(Me on top of Orion Publishing HQ with the Eye of Sauron behind me) MY BOOK IS FINALLY OUT! I remember sitting next to my wife's hospital bed a few hours after our twins had been born, thinking 'I should probably write some of this down. I'll forget it otherwise.' Fast forward two and a bit years and this book that I'm incredibly proud of is now making its way out into the world. I never dreamed this would happen. I feel very fortunate. Huge thanks and love to you all x Buy your copy here !
We went to a party on Sunday and I noticed that Zac's juvenile bum crack had become exposed to the other revellers like he was some kind of diminutive building site worker. I bent down to fix him and as I pulled his kecks up my mate kindly pointed out that now MY arse was on show for the world. It was a beautiful, circle-of-life type moment, unless you happened to be tucking into some quiche while this Avery lunar eclipse took place.
MONDAY Started squeezing a turd out and the Big People asked me if I was having a poo. Listen, chaps – if my face looks like I’m giving birth to a fucking hedgehog it’s quite safe to assume that I’m mid-shit. Okay? TUESDAY Got really wound up today when I couldn’t open a page on a chunky flap book. Mummy explained that it wasn’t actually two pages stuck together but just the one page, what with it being a chunky flap book but despite all the evidence pointing in her favour I wasn’t totally convinced until I’d ripped the whole thing to smithereens. WEDNESDAY It really boils my piss when the Big People tell me something doesn’t matter. The reason I’m covering my entire torso in my own snot and tears is because it absolutely does matter. At least to me, right now. One day, when the dust has settled, maybe we’ll all be able to look back on this incident and have a little chuckle together but in the heat of the moment, it’s Armafuckingeddon. Because that toast was clearly cut into
MONDAY Got upset at something insignificant so Daddy tried to calm me down by explaining everything simply and calmly, using logic, patience and love. I couldn’t give a fuck, mate. Just give me the biscuit. TUESDAY Saw a girl on a scooter today. I’d love a scooter. Something else to fall off innit? WEDNESDAY Screamed my head off in the living room and Daddy sprinted in looking really panicked and he must have thought I was injured in some horrific manner because he almost seemed relieved when he realised that I hadn’t in fact broken a limb or got my finger mangled but instead was struggling to fix the bottom of my jeans that needed rolling up a bit. THURSDAY Mummy was taking us to see an old friend today who I’ve never met and she was dead excited. She asked me if I was going to be shy again and I said no because I was only shy last time I met her friends due to the fact I’d shat my pants and despite my tender years, I’m not sure that’s a great first impression for peo
MONDAY Went to a new playgroup and an impromptu farting competition broke out. In hindsight I should have conceded defeat after the little girl I was facing let rip with a stonker that sounded like when Daddy broke the hoover but I didn’t and I tried so hard to compete because I wanted to impress everyone and in the end I think I tried a bit too hard to impress and accidentally shat myself. I’m not sure that was the impression I wanted to make but I’m sure I’ll get over it. TUESDAY Just because I run away screaming into another room and start doing a jigsaw doesn’t mean I want you to stop reading that book to me from the other side of the house. When are people going to realise that I can multitask? WEDNESDAY Didn’t want my nappy changing first thing so kicked my legs furiously and bent my body in ways I didn’t think was possible just to make it really bloody difficult for Mummy. As she was trying to put the new nappy on I managed a full scale commando roll but due to lack
1. That moment when your kids have left the room and you realise you've been watching Mr Tumble on your own for 15 minutes. 2. A toddler's mood can change more suddenly and unexpectedly than the temperature on an unfamiliar shower. 3. You know what really compliments pizza? Changing an ungodly nappy midway through. Cheers, son. 4. Genuine conversation with my 2 year old: 'Daddy?' 'Yes, son?' 'NO!' Jesus. 5. Watching my kids this morning I've realised one thing: We all need to run round in our undies more often. MORE TOMORROW...
Right, I've been MEGA slack at updating this website because of all the book stuff. And the thing is, I've still been posting my blog on my Facebook page but just haven't transferred it over to here. So I'm going to play catch up and stick a daily post here until I'm up to date. Starting with this one: MONDAY Dunked my toothbrush in the toilet and then popped it back in my mouth. Big People went mental. The way they reacted you’d think that nobody actually wears nappies around here and everyone shits in the toilet instead. Unbelievable. TUESDAY Wanted my coat on. Was told it was too hot. Got angry. They finally put my coat on. Was WAY too hot. Got REALLY angry. Took coat off. Screamed more. Felt embarrassed. Also suspected that I was too hot because I was so angry. Will try again when I'm not fuming. WEDNESDAY Spent ages in the car today, by my estimate about two years. Pretty much everything we own was crammed in there – it was more packed