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The Secret Diary of a 2 Year Old (Part 48)

MONDAY
Started squeezing a turd out and the Big People asked me if I was having a poo. Listen, chaps – if my face looks like I’m giving birth to a fucking hedgehog it’s quite safe to assume that I’m mid-shit. Okay?

TUESDAY
Got really wound up today when I couldn’t open a page on a chunky flap book. Mummy explained that it wasn’t actually two pages stuck together but just the one page, what with it being a chunky flap book but despite all the evidence pointing in her favour I wasn’t totally convinced until I’d ripped the whole thing to smithereens.

WEDNESDAY
It really boils my piss when the Big People tell me something doesn’t matter. The reason I’m covering my entire torso in my own snot and tears is because it absolutely does matter. At least to me, right now. One day, when the dust has settled, maybe we’ll all be able to look back on this incident and have a little chuckle together but in the heat of the moment, it’s Armafuckingeddon. Because that toast was clearly cut into the wrong shape.

THURSDAY
Only wanted to be near Mummy today. Couldn’t even bring myself to look at Daddy’s stupid face.

FRIDAY
Was badgering Daddy to read me a book while he was making lunch. He said he’d read it to me in a minute which is kind of useless really as I’ll have completely lost interest in a minute. It’s now or never, fatty.

SATURDAY
Felt rubbish today so Mummy said I could help her make breakfast. It was such a great feeling to be an integral part of the team, doing really important tasks like fetching spoons from the drawer and closing the fridge. Then she wouldn’t let me carry the freshly boiled kettle across the kitchen and at that point it became clear that my input wasn’t really being taken seriously so I screamed like Daddy did when I bit him in Aldi.

SUNDAY
Daddy was on the toilet so I tried to return the favour and help him wipe his bum but he didn’t seem very grateful so I went to fiddle with the baby gate at the top of the stairs. Somehow managed to pick the lock and the bloody thing opened so Daddy went bananas and jumped up to close it again but because his pants were round his ankles he had to walk like a penguin until he got to the landing and then he hit the ground like a sack of shit. When he saw I was okay and the gate was shut he went back to the toilet. I wish I could talk properly as I would’ve asked him if he was having a poo. See how he likes it.

MORE TOMORROW...

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