Sam Avery

*ROUSING ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS AS DRONE CAMERA FOOTAGE PANS THROUGH FRONT DOOR OF SEMI-DETACHED HOUSE. WE SEE TOTAL DESTRUCTION IN THE HALLWAY. THE TV IS BLASTING ACROSS THE EMPTY LOUNGE. BISCUIT CRUMBS ARE SCATTERED ACROSS THE SOFA. COUNTLESS STAINS ARE VISIBLE ON THE CARPET* VOICEOVER: To the untrained eye, this modest property is merely a run-of-the-mill suburban dwelling. But these crude crayon etchings across the wall tell a very different story. For this house is one filled to the brim with conflict, dispute and illogical misunderstandings. This house, is the home of toddlers. *CLOSE UP SHOT OF CHILD LYING ON KITCHEN FLOOR KICKING LEGS AND REFUSING TO LET GO OF A SPATULA* VOICEOVER: And no other life form on the planet is as thoroughly uncooperative as the human toddler. *SHOT OF CHILD SAYING NO TO A DRINK THEN YELLING WHEN THEY AREN’T GIVEN ONE. THEN LOSING THE PLOT WHEN GIVEN ONE IN WRONG CUP* *CUT TO WIDE SHOT OF KITCHEN* VOICEOVER: Here we see th...

MONDAY Bet myself that I could walk the entire length of the kitchen with my eyes shut. Walked into the oven instantly, fell over and bit my lip. The pain was terrible but to be honest, it was more embarrassing than anything. Will try again tomorrow. TUESDAY Locked myself in the disabled toilet at playgroup. Felt liberated for two seconds, then scared. Skipped crying this time and went straight for screaming. Big people shouted instructions through the door but it all sounded like bollocks to me. Played with the soap dispenser (which was AWESOME!) until light went off so went back to screaming. Was convinced this was now my life until door opened and light came back on. Haven’t felt that relieved since the mega-shit I did in baby yoga. Had a lovely cuddle with mummy. Tried to go back into toilet. She wouldn’t let me. Screamed again. JUST LET ME LIVE MY LIFE! WEDNESDAY Thinking about giving up my afternoon nap. It really eats into my day and makes it hard to get everyth...

MONDAY Mummy wouldn’t let me touch the radiator so I asked Daddy. He wouldn’t either. Touched it later when they weren’t looking. It was really fucking hot. Why did nobody stop me? TUESDAY Wrecking stuff is so much fun! Today I ripped my fave book to pieces, smashed a toy in half and totally destroyed a new outfit with a nappy leak that nearly caused Debenhams to be closed temporarily. I love being creative! WEDNESDAY It’s slowly dawning on me that I’m totally clueless in almost every area of life. Today I lay down on the floor and rubbed my face across the gravel. ON PURPOSE! It stung like fuck, obviously. What is wrong with me? THURSDAY Some snotty kid pushed me over at the soft play area today. I cried. They stuck their finger in my ear. I cried more. Mummy came over and blamed me. I cried even more. Injustice is a bitter pill to swallow - I was fuming for literally minutes. I don’t know this kid or what their game is but mark my words - retribution will be s...

1.The most utterly pointless thing I've ever done is clean the floor. 2.With kids you are never 'ON TIME', merely 'NOT LATE YET'. 3.It's easier to eat soup with a fork than herd multiple toddlers in the same direction. 4.There's been more head banging in our house this week than a Black Sabbath gig. 5.I've never taken acid but I have watched In The Night Garden. Follow my blog on Facebook here ...

My guest on this week's episode is the comedian Chris Cairns. We spoke about clown attacks, bunking on the train to Wales and managing his daughter's transition from childhood to young adult. Get it on: iTunes:  goo.gl/gcD6Cs Stitcher:  http://www.stitcher.com/s?fid=90435&refid=stpr Podbean:  http://samavery.podbean.com/e/sam-avery-5-things-i-learned/

Forget beautiful sunsets or snow on Christmas Day - my favourite sight in the whole world (even more than my kids themselves) is two empty plates at the end of a meal. (What this pic doesn't show is the rest of the food all over the bastard floor...) 1.Toddlers never run out of fresh creative ways to twat their head into stuff. 2.Applying logic to a child is as pointless as applying sun cream to a piece of toast. 3.Using the bathroom in our house feels like that bit at the safari park when the baboons jump all over your car. 4."Don't dip your spoon in someone else's porridge" sounds like a filthy euphemism. 5.Toddler's moods are like the British weather: constantly changing, hard to predict and guaranteed to ruin a picnic. 6.I spend my entire time at soft play areas ensuring my children don't attack other children. 7.Your child doing a nuclear-level shite as you've just handed them over to your partner on your way out the h...

1.I'd rather see my child's empty plate at the end of a meal than my lottery numbers come up. 2.A toddler can spot stray dummies like a hawk spots field mice. 3.Kids get pop up book. Kids wreck pop up book Parents buy new pop up book. Kids totally fucking destroy new book in seconds. 4.I should have tried a breast milk latte while I had the chance. 5.Reading a book to your child that you haven't already previously read 4,947 times is INCREDIBLE. Sign up to my mailing list via the link on the right hand side or follow my blog on Facebook , Twitter or Instagram .

1.If you're not careful, a day of relaxed nothingness without the kids can easily morph into a 3 hour blitz of the house and a visit to the tip. 2.There's nothing weird about getting poo on my hand anymore. Which is weird in itself. 3.My new motto is 'Ah, fuck it. That'll do." 4.I'll never understand the tastebuds of a toddler: my son will eat coal but refuses chicken. 5.Our house smells like a condemned pet shop. Finally, the highlight of my week was definitely this: Twin 1 cries. Twin 2 crawls to other side of room, retrieves dummy, gives to his brother. Twin 1 settles. Daddy gets something in his eye... I'm a stand up comic and dad of twins. You can follow my parenting blog on Facebook , Twitter , Instagram or sign up to get each new blog via email on the right hand column of my website. I also release a weekly podcast where I chat to fellow parents about what they've learned.

1.The moment your toddler learns how to remove their nappy is scarier than Skynet becoming self-aware. 2.Nap time is the absolute tits. 3.I'm pretty sure there's only three different episodes of In The Night Garden. It's the Status Quo of kids TV. 4.And if you *slightly* mispronounce a character name from that show there's a good chance you'll unwittingly use a racial slur. 5."Who’s your favourite twin?" "The one that isn’t crying." 6.Never mind forgetting what you've come into a room for, some days I forget which room I'm going to on the way there. 7.Wine is the answer. (I just don't know what the question is.) 8.My son can fire nuggets from his arse further than I can throw a frisbee. 9.I still haven't cleaned the inside of the bin. To be honest, I'm so used to the smell now I think I'd miss it. 10.If you criticise when older parents say 'we never had parent and child spaces...

I want my twin boys to be clever and smart. But I hope neither turns out to be a child genius. This morning one of them shat himself awake while the other spent an hour licking the sofa. It seems unlikely that MENSA will be in touch anytime soon. And I’m fine with that. Not that I don’t want my kids to flourish or be successful, you understand. I hope they show drive, ambition and a willful enthusiasm to accomplish beautiful, remarkable things that I could only dream of. But I hope they enjoy their childhood first. And I’m not sure they would if they were certifiable Einsteins by the age of 3. Imagine wiping the arse of someone significantly smarter than you. “Father, without wishing to appear rude, uncouth or in any way ungrateful I would strongly suggest that you stick to a clockwise motion to minimize the increased statistical inevitability of your index finger slipping through this competitively priced but ultimately inadequate latrine paper and becoming reacq...

1.It's impossible to tidy the house. You can move things around and put them in different rooms but the house will remain a shit hole. 2.If The Magic Roundabout was influenced by LSD then In The Night Garden was inspired by an angry crack comedown. 3.Sleep deprivation renders previously simple decisions as confusing as Welsh hip-hop. 4.My boys scream when I enter the room and cry when I leave. This must be how Justin Bieber feels all the time. 5.I've had more piss on me this week than a urinal cube. 6.Trying to feed a toddler who's refusing all food is stressful enough to bring you out in hives. 7.I'm sure one of my boys first words was 'dick' and it was aimed at me. 8.If I didn't go out and work now and again I'd never have a poo in peace. 9.Dummies vanish like budget airline luggage. 10.I realised today I haven't used a muslin cloth in ages. This makes me sad. Sign up for my mailing list on the top r...

Twice in my regular Sunday night blog I’ve written about parent and child spaces being used by people on their own.  These are the comments I made: 1.People caught parking in the parent and child spaces without kids should be forced to do their weekly shop with teething triplets who haven’t napped. 2.When politely informing a motorist that the parent and child spaces are for parents with children, they often turn out to be a weapons-grade c**t. Both have been met with support and criticism. Those with gripes can be separated into two camps: A. People With No Kids Fair enough. You don’t understand what an absolute pain in the shitpipe it is to try and get a pair of wriggling, screaming, unaccommodating toddlers out of a car into a space more narrow than a hamster’s skinny jeans. (N.B. It’s the extra space we crave, not the proximity to the shop.) You also won’t understand how severe sleep deprivation renders previously simple decisions as confusing...

1.In The Night Garden is so fucked up it makes The Tellytubbies seem like a documentary. 2.When politely informing a motorist that the parent and child spaces are for parents with children, they often turn out to be a weapons-grade c**t. 3.If leaving the house goes from concept to reality in less than an hour then you’ve definitely forgotten something. 4.Nowadays me and the wife have to schedule sex in with at least five full working days notice and a complete veto allowed at any time from either party. 5.Last night's sleep was less satisfying than Ryvita. 6.Some days I feel more broken than a pack of biscuits that's been lashed down a flight of stairs. 7.This week, WITH GOD AS MY WITNESS, I'm gonna clean the inside of our bin. 8."We'd like you to stay forever, Or longer if you can..." The Furchesters may actually be serial killers. 9.It takes longer to get the toys out of the empty bath than to run it. 10.The world ...

1.I'd rather wipe my arse with a broken bottle than take a double buggy to Primark on a Saturday. 2.Nothing encourages you to quicken the pace like a baby wet-farting while you change them. 3.My toddler is obsessed with climbing to the highest point in the room. I'm convinced he's part mountain goat. 4.If I shit myself after just getting out the bath I'm furious whereas my son just takes it in his stride. 5.Hey Duggie is the most consistent TV show since The Sopranos. 6.You know you're a knackered parent when you have to go for an X-Ray at the hospital but quite enjoy the sit down and hot cuppa while you wait. 7.Even if I only ate the food my kids refused to try I'd still be a fat bastard. 8.And scoffing all my kid's leftovers means my brand new clothes are so snug they're only fit for bed. I'm currently the best dressed sleeping man in town. 9.Dirty nappies come in all shapes and sizes. I changed one that looked li...

MONDAY Sometimes it feels like nobody understands me. IF I THROW SOMETHING ON THE FLOOR IT DOESN’T MEAN I DON’T WANT IT. I’m expressing myself. TUESDAY Had a raspberry conversation with my own arse this evening. Really enjoyed it. We chatted about all sorts. Tried to start it up again later but things got a bit heated and I accidentally shat myself. WEDNESDAY Spent all morning trying to put my fingers in the plug socket. Surprise, surprise, the bloody big people wouldn’t let me. Spoilsports. Decided to scream and head butt the wall. Hurt like fuck. Cried more. Big person picked me up and moved me away. I went straight back to the sockets. They moved me away again. This is not over. THURSDAY Saw my reflection whilst having a poo today. Christ almighty. Have I been pulling that face the whole time? I look like the big people when they stand on Lego. FRIDAY Really wanted to go to nursery with no clothes on today. Why is this never an option? I reckon most other ...

1.Toddlers have a 'sweet spot' for napping when they're just sleepy enough but not overtired. That 'sweet spot' lasts approximately fifteen seconds. 2.No matter how exhausted I am during the day, the second the kids go down I suddenly have more energy than a puppy with an amphetamine issue. 3."I'm gonna have to go mate, my teat's leaking" is a terrible way for a man to end a phone call. 4.If you have porridge stains on your crotch nobody sits next to you on the bus. 5.Watching your son crawl over to the telly so he can wave at the contestants on 'The Chase' may cause you to melt. ( This week's podcast has my chat with comedian, writer and mum, Jessica Fostekew :)

1.The most annoying part of the daily tidy-up is doing all the fucking jigsaws. 2.Buying suede shoes as a parent is as optimistic as a bull farmer opening a China shop next to his stables. 3.You don't need the gym when you can just push a pram with a flat tyre up a hill with a baby while holding a brolly in the wind. 4.When hurriedly bringing your baby into your bed at 5.30am you should really check first if they're crying because they've shat everywhere. 5.I used to think Father's Day was a load of commercial toss but after that lie-in this morning I'm now a fervant supporter. (My guest on this week's '5 Things I Learned' podcast is BBC 6 Music presenter and son of the legendary John Peel, Tom Ravenscroft. You can find it  here : or go to the right hand column of my site.)

1.A soft play area is no place to go with a hangover. 2.No matter where you put them at the end of each day, one of your kid's shoes will go missing in the morning. 3.Sitting on your stairs just so you can keep an eye on both kids makes you feel like a crap lifeguard. 4.If you squeeze too many noisy books into the same shelf they all start talking to each other, shitting you right up. 5.Judging by the sheer amount of gonad kicks I've endured this week, my boys don't want any more siblings. This week's '5 Things I Learned' Podcast features my chat with Scottish Comedy Award Winner (and dad of 2) Mark Nelson. Get it on iTunes , Stitcher or Podbean .

1.If we didn't occasionally have visitors I doubt we'd ever clean our house. 2.My son is currently waking up half an hour earlier each day. At this rate by next week he'll be getting up before he goes to bed. 3.Everytime I go to put the Vanish away I think, "Nah, frig it. I'll need it again in a minute." 4.My kids have started laughing at furniture. Might take them to IKEA and blow their minds. 5.Pulling a weird face does absolutely fuck all to reduce the volume of squeaky floorboards. (My guest on this week's parenting podcast is comedian, mum of two and star of Have I Got News for You & Mock The Week amongst others - the very funny Lucy Porter. Get it on iTunes now )

MONDAY Cried at dinner. No way was I putting that muck in my mouth. No chance. Then they tricked me into tasting a bit and do you know what? Fucking lovely it was. So tasty I screamed when there was none left. TUESDAY Needed a poo all day but managed to save it till bathtime. Absolute carnage. It's worth sitting in your own filth just to see the look on their faces. WEDNESDAY Fell over today. Didn't hurt in the slightest but big people made a fuss so thought I'd better cry. THURSDAY Woke up in my cot last night standing up, crying. Not sure what I was trying to achieve. Pretty embarrassing all round really. FRIDAY Finally getting the hang of this crawling lark. I can go anywhere. It's amazing. SATURDAY Crawled off a step today, right into the bins. Fucking terrible. My hands were still trying to crawl as I was falling. Not sure this mode of transport is for me. Might have a go at that bum shuffling thing. Looks safer. SUNDAY Went t...