Wednesday, 17 January 2018

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH’S ‘LIFE WITH TODDLERS’


*ROUSING ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS AS DRONE CAMERA FOOTAGE PANS THROUGH FRONT DOOR OF SEMI-DETACHED HOUSE. WE SEE TOTAL DESTRUCTION IN THE HALLWAY. THE TV IS BLASTING ACROSS THE EMPTY LOUNGE. BISCUIT CRUMBS ARE SCATTERED ACROSS THE SOFA. COUNTLESS STAINS ARE VISIBLE ON THE CARPET*

VOICEOVER: To the untrained eye, this modest property is merely a run-of-the-mill suburban dwelling. But these crude crayon etchings across the wall tell a very different story. For this house is one filled to the brim with conflict, dispute and illogical misunderstandings. This house, is the home of toddlers.

*CLOSE UP SHOT OF CHILD LYING ON KITCHEN FLOOR KICKING LEGS AND REFUSING TO LET GO OF A SPATULA*

VOICEOVER: And no other life form on the planet is as thoroughly uncooperative as the human toddler.

*SHOT OF CHILD SAYING NO TO A DRINK THEN YELLING WHEN THEY AREN’T GIVEN ONE. THEN LOSING THE PLOT WHEN GIVEN ONE IN WRONG CUP*

*CUT TO WIDE SHOT OF KITCHEN*

VOICEOVER: Here we see the adult male in his natural habitat, attempting to prepare food for the young. Watch these toddlers carefully. For despite the fact that this adult is crucial to their survival, they spend every waking moment attempting to thwart his simple acts of assistance.

*CLOSE UP SHOT OF CHILD SCREAMING WHILE GRABBING ADULT’S TROUSERS AS ADULT TRIES TO PREPARE FOOD. WIDE SHOT OF OTHER CHILD METICULOUSLY HIDING SPOONS UNDER THE FRIDGE*

VOICEOVER: The substantial bags underneath this adult’s eyes are simply breathtaking. And his clothing - jogging trousers, dressing gown and one solitary slipper - are not unusual for the morning routine of many humans. We join this group, however, in early evening. In this tribe, it appears, standards have disappeared.

*CLOSE UP SHOT OF CHILD LICKING THE BIN*

VOICEOVER: This particular dwelling is also set to become the scene for a rather grizzly affair. One of the toddlers has not released a fresh jobby for almost four days. For some, the tension has become unbearable.

*ADULT SPOTS WINE BOTTLE ON KITCHEN SURFACE. LOOKS AT WALL CLOCK THAT READS 4:52PM. LOOKS BACK AT WINE, THEN AT KIDS WHO ARE BOTH SCREAMING. GRABS WINE BOTTLE AND SHAPES TO OPEN IT BUT SEES OWN REFLECTION IN THE OVEN. PUTS WINE DOWN AND GRABS ANOTHER CHOCOLATE HOBNOB FROM SECRET STASH AND SHOVES IN MOUTH, WHOLE*

VOICEOVER: The food is now ready to be consumed by the young. But these toddlers have other ideas.

*SHOT OF CHILD’S FACE AS HE STARTS SQUEEZING OUT BACKED-UP SHITE*

VOICEOVER: Watch the toddler's face closely as he releases his chocolate hostage. For the next thirty seconds or so, he will contort his facial muscles in ways reminiscent of an end-of-the-pier gurning champion from the 1950’s.

*SHOT OF ADULT SMILING AS HE FINALLY DISHES UP PASTA BUT SUDDENLY RECOILING WITH HORROR AS THE STENCH OF FRESH DINGLEBERRY HITS HIS NOSTRILS*

VOICEOVER: This is a common occurrence. The child waits until the precise moment his food is ready before evicting the malodorous tenant from his bowels. As well as causing maximum disruption to the carefully planned routine, it also increases the chances of the entire mealtime becoming a complete fiasco.

*SHOT OF TODDLER DENYING CULPABILITY FOR SMELL THEN TRYING TO EVADE CAPTURE BY THE ADULT*

*CUT TO END OF THE DAY*

VOICEOVER: We rejoin these humans just before bedtime. A time where the toddler is able to cleverly redeem everything by simply cuddling the adult for a few seconds and pronouncing a new word slightly incorrectly.

*SHOT OF CHILD SAYING SOMETHING AND SMILING. ADULT IS COMPLETELY SMITTEN*

VOICEOVER: Without these simple actions by the toddler at the end of each day, it is no exaggeration to state that the entire human race would completely perish.

*SIGOR ROS PLAYS, CREDITS ROLL*

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