Sam Avery

1.I'd rather tackle a burglar with a tickling stick than a soft play centre with a hangover. 2.Kids TV shows need warnings at the beginning. 'This programme contains scenes that some viewers may find incredibly irritating...' 3.My boys shared a womb for 8 months but now won't share a drink. 4.Kids might well 'eat for £1 at Harvester' but try leaving them there while you go shopping - the staff just freak out. 5.'How do you tell the twins apart, Sam?' 'Well, one likes cheese ON toast and the other likes cheese WITH toast.' 6.Our sofa now has more skid marks than Brands Hatch. 7.I set my alarm for 8am every morning, just so I can have a little chuckle when it goes off and I've already been awake for 3 fucking hours. 8.In fact, me and my wife now talk about lie-ins like something from a bygone era, like Blockbuster Video or mixtapes. 9.Toddlers will not sit and watch the BBC News Channel even when there's

MONDAY Started saying ‘NO!’ to everything. It’s exhilarating! When I think back to all those times I just went along with their helpful and loving suggestions – well, not anymore. I usually won’t even let them finish the question although sometimes it’s not even a question but I answer it anyway with a prompt and enraged ‘NO!’ and sometimes I wave my arms or do a little angry dance. Got offered a biscuit today and shouted ‘NO!’ even though I really meant yes because I love biscuits but I’ve discovered that being unreasonably obstructive is so enjoyable that it’s even more fun than actually eating biscuits which is maybe a diet technique that Daddy might want to try sometime soon. TUESDAY Daddy did a funny face and it was really funny and I laughed and he did it again and I laughed even more and then he did it a third time and not only did it instantly stop being funny, it immediately became offensive towards everything I stand for. I stopped laughing and shouted at him and h

MONDAY Licked the telly when the ice cream advert came on. Hope Mummy doesn’t buy that brand as it tasted fucking horrible. TUESDAY I wish Daddy would get some pants that fit him. Every time I throw something on the floor he bends over and that hairy arsecrack is right in my face. At one point I thought I was about to meet a new sibling. WEDNESDAY At the park Daddy kept putting me on the little slide even though I’ve made it clear since I was about 8 months that the little slide is, quite simply, bollocks. Slumped down it a couple of times and then ran off towards the big slide. He said I couldn’t go on it and I was too little but I started climbing up the steps because sometimes I don’t care and there was kids behind me so he couldn’t get to me and he looked a bit worried but I knew I’d be okay and then I got to top of the steps and just as everyone was looking at me and it was my big moment to shine I suddenly and quite dramatically needed a poo so started squeezing

1. Hearing a mother angrily shout at HER KID who has YOUR NAME will shit you right up. 2. Until my kids were born I’d never witnessed a turd leaving it’s natural habitat. Now I've seen it more than Eastenders. 3. The most relaxing thing as a new parent is a hard day at work. 4. It’s worth having twins just to hear them blame farts on each other. 5. In the right mood, a two year old will still give you a really nice hug. And it’s the best 0.3 seconds of the day. (I post regular blogs to my FB page. ..I'm a stand up comic, dad to toddler twins and parent blogger...you can also find me on Instagram )

MONDAY Had the runs today. Arse was out of control. Every fart felt like Russian Roulette. At the dinner table I pushed out something that felt like soup so Daddy took my pants off and I sharted down his arm. He looked like Mummy when she tried that cheap spray tan. TUESDAY Started to feel sick at lunch so made sure I ate loads more food than usual and asked for seconds and drank extra juice. Was tucking into my third waffle when I did a weird cough which morphed into a puke which went on forever and definitely lasted longer than some of my naps. Tried to polish off the waffle in between bouts of retching but the bastards took it off me and then I puked all over my plate and they took that away even though I clearly hadn’t finished and I tried to tell them but they said eating your own sick is bad for you which is rubbish as I’ve seen the dog do it and he’s always wagging his tail. WEDNESDAY Woke up feeling brilliant. Stood up in cot, giggling my head off. Tripped over