MONDAY
Started saying ‘NO!’ to everything. It’s exhilarating! When
I think back to all those times I just went along with their helpful and loving
suggestions – well, not anymore. I usually won’t even let them finish the
question although sometimes it’s not even a question but I answer it anyway
with a prompt and enraged ‘NO!’ and sometimes I wave my arms or do a little
angry dance. Got offered a biscuit today and shouted ‘NO!’ even though I really
meant yes because I love biscuits but I’ve discovered that being unreasonably
obstructive is so enjoyable that it’s even more fun than actually eating
biscuits which is maybe a diet technique that Daddy might want to try sometime
soon.
TUESDAY
Daddy did a funny face and it was really funny and I laughed
and he did it again and I laughed even more and then he did it a third time and
not only did it instantly stop being funny, it immediately became offensive
towards everything I stand for. I stopped laughing and shouted at him and he
stopped. He sheepishly tried the same face later on but I stared at him and he
quickly backed down.
WEDNESDAY
I wish they’d stop wiping my nose. My mouth does a fine job
of catching any stray snot that’s running down my face and anything that
doesn’t drip down is taken care of by my tongue or sleeve. I’m not crying
because it hurts, you morons - you’re stunting my independence!
THURSDAY
Just discovered pockets. Bloody mental aren’t they?
FRIDAY
Didn’t eat any of my dinner so Mummy said I couldn’t have a
yoghurt. In the confusion I only heard the word ‘yoghurt’ so understandably
assumed I was getting said yoghurt. When she didn’t give me a yoghurt I did one
of those cries where you feel like you’re going to choke on your own face so
Mummy picked me up and I flung my head back into the wall. Hurt like fuck.
Still no yoghurt. Waste of effort.
SATURDAY
Discovered a new game! It’s called
‘Keep-throwing-your-dummy-out-of-the-cot-so-that-the-big-people-keep-coming-upstairs-to-pick-it-up.’
The title needs work but you get the idea. Best part is watching their
enthusiasm and mood deteriorate with every trip they make. Reckon this game
could go global one day.
SUNDAY
Teddy bear’s picnic today. Had a lovely time mingling and
pretending to drink tea and then a load of these old Care Bears that belonged
to Mummy when she was little rocked up and started nicking all the tea and
basically ruined everything. One of them was a talker but really low on
batteries so when he spoke he sounded like the guy who lives on our street who
Mummy says drinks too much and it was fucking terrifying.
(I post a new 'Secret Diary' to my FB page every
Tuesday...I'm a stand up comic, dad to toddler twins and parent blogger...you
can also find me on Instagram)
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