Sam Avery

1.Nothing will shit you up like hearing SUDDEN silence from the room the kids are in. 2.I'd rather be trapped in a lift with Katie Hopkins than go to Asda on a Saturday afternoon with a double buggy. Hell on Earth. 3.The period when your baby suddenly becomes mobile but you haven't childproofed anything yet is terrifying. 4.Nothing makes you feel more like a dad than going the tip on a Saturday. 5.If my lads and their Weetabix would've been on the Titanic they could've fixed the leak, easy. 6.Our house is never more than 3 minutes away from total carnage. 7.A soft play area, miles from home, is no place to be when your son has leaked and you've forgotten the wipes. 8.A baby will consider you leaving the room without them on a par with war crimes. 9.Whoever let Postman Pat fly a fucking plane this week should be shot in the face. 10.Hearing the twins happily babbling to each other makes everything else in the world seem completely...

1.If your house was clean *all* the time you wouldn't appreciate that half day every 6 weeks when it actually is. 2.The fury I feel towards Postman Pat genuinely wakes me up every morning. 3.Retrieving a dummy from a sleeping child is like trying to diffuse a bomb that can shit itself. 4.45 mins 'late' with twins isn't technically late. 5.I now time my morning routine by CBeebies theme tunes. If I'm not running the shower by the time Octonauts is starting, I'm fucked. 6.When a nappy leaks there are no winners. 7.The noises from a toy who's batteries are dying will put the living shits up you. 8.Farms don't smell as bad as they used to. 9.Phase 2 of parenthood is when an episode of a kids show comes on and you think, "Ah fuckin hell, I've seen this one." 10.I'll never get tired of seeing my sons faces light up when I get home from work. Pure magic. I'm in the running for a few awards at the ...

1.Post-kids, 20 mins on the sofa with a brew is the equivalent of a five-star fortnight in Barbados. 2.Exhaustion becomes as much as part of your life as eyebrows. 3.Apparently the optimum time to fill your nappy is the exact second you're about to fall asleep. 4.It's easier to shampoo a wolf than dress a wriggling baby. 5.Some baby farts could dry towels. Unbelievable. 6.Car seats are more expensive than cars. 7.A 10 month old doing a full-on Wacko Jacko 'heeh-heeh' is both hilarious and troubling. 8.Baby necks are cheesier than a Bon Jovi ballad. 9.You could comatose a diplodocus with a whiff from a three day old soiled muslin cloth. 10.The sound of your baby laughing makes your heart sing like nothing else can. I'm a stand up comic and dad of twins. Click here to follow my blog on Facebook.

1.Noisy toys that make a noise when you turn them OFF are the invention of a moron. I'm turning you off because I want you to pipe down, not so I can hear a fucking encore. 2.Pushing a pram up a hill should be part of basic military training. Mount Everest would be piss easy if you've already negotiated the mild gradient between the shop and our house. 3.Only remembering you have guests arriving 5 minutes beforehand is a very effective way to tidy your house. 4.Babies of a certain age are transfixed by the washing machine. I wasn't as entertained by the new Star Wars film as my lads are by a 40 degree quick-spin. 5.Sometimes my son will squeeze my hand like an East End gangster who wants me to know he's "in faaaakin charge here." This normally occurs as I'm trying to get him to nap, when he's definitely already in charge anyway. 6.If you want your carpet ruining, trampling in soggy weetabix over a three-day period will do the job j...

CBeebies have announced they want to make their programmes more 'realistic.' Here's 5 suggestions on how they could do that: 1. POSTMAN PAT is made redundant after the privatisation of Royal Mail. Later episodes show Pat working for UPS, drinking heavily, and moaning to anyone who'll listen about the Tories, delivery drones, and 'that fucking Amazon.' 2. PEPPA PIG After running up crippling gambling debts with Grampy Rabbit, Daddy Pig is forced to accept an offer from Channel 5 to be featured on Reality TV. The show is a huge hit and runs for 12 seasons, culminating with an 18 year old George kickstarting the most progressive discussion of transgender politics in the UK's history by announcing live on air that he 'always felt like a cow trapped in a pigs body.' George becomes a national sweetheart and stars in a string of spin off shows to varying success. 3. THE TELLYTUBBIES are arrested after a three day illegal rave in Tubbyla...

1.The scent in our house is a combination of shit, baby wipes and desperation. 2.Brushing a baby's teeth is like trying to feed a Twiglet to a Piranha. 3.When remarking "they've gone down well tonight" it's best to check you've turned the baby monitor on first. 4.If you throw Vimto at a wall from the correct angle you can pass it off as an unfinished Banksy. 5.If your baby goes on the Jumperoo straight after their milk, the volume of puke will drastically reduce volume from the speakers. 6.You could open a food bank in a 9 month old's neck folds. 7.The grace period for singing Christmas toys is well and truly fucking over. 8.If my son keeps chewing his dummy like that he'll end up with an underbite like The Gruffalo. 9.I need to lose weight - I bent down in front of the twins today and the top of my arse popped out. They both started screaming. 10.Seeing your twins hold each other's hand makes your heart burst l...

1.Both twins pulling their plonkers while staring you in the eye is a terrible way to start Christmas morning. 2.Tesco baby wipes are bollocks. They stick to each other like a magicians handkerchief. 3.If my son has the same drive and determination in life that he has to avoid naps then we're looking at a future Prime Minister here. 4.In our house, a puke-free burp is rarer than rocking horse shite. 5.Eight month old babies aren't appreciative of Xmas presents. But... 6.They should invent edible wrapping paper for babies. (Ours didn't give two hoots about the presents but were very keen to chow down on the paper.) 7.Our new play pen is visible from space. 8.If you accidentally leave a pile of baby sick, soggy crumpets and rancid wet wipes in a pile for 2 days it will fucking honk. 9.Now the twins have learned how to shake their wrists there's more jazz hands in our house than a West End show. 10.Your wife can hear you stealing her ch...

1.Planning all the stuff you're gonna get done while the baby naps BEFORE they're asleep is like deciding what to spend your lottery win on before you've bought a ticket. 2.We need the machine they use to jet wash the pigeon shit off the statues in Trafalgar Square just to clean our Jumperoo. 3.Singing a happy song is the only way to get through a really horrific nappy change. 4.Velcro bibs attack all the other washing in the machine like sticky parasitic bastards. 5.My 8 month old boys often gaze at the lounge lamp with the reverence of a pair of rednecks witnessing a flying saucer. 6.Babies can be more uncooperative than a supermarket trolley on cobbles. 7.On the wrong day, counting the milk formula scoops into the bottle is harder than following a free form jazz signature. 8.After bedtime the nursery floor creaks like a listed building. 9.Babies need more clothes than Madonna - they'll never stop finding new and inventive ways to soil...

(Apologies for the delay in getting this up on the site late - it went up on my FB page over a week ago but due to a dose of man-flu and the busy Xmas period I'm only putting it online 'properly' now.) 1.They should invent dummies you can locate by whistling or clapping, like with car keys. 2.You don't have to 'enjoy every minute' of parenthood. When they're coughing their guts up and you're full of flu it's worse than root canal surgery with an unqualified dentist. 3.All I want for Christmas is my lad to get his two front teeth. PLEASE BABY JESUS, MAKE IT HAPPEN. 4.Judging by where the mess tends to end up, my other son's bum hole is pointing upwards. 5.If the twins keep sneaking in with us I need to lose weight or buy a bigger bed. 6.It's easy to become everything you hate. I saw a mum pushing triplets and felt compelled to tell her that I have twins. She couldn't have given less of a fuck and rightly so. 7....