10 Things I've Learned as a Parent This Week (#19)

1.Noisy toys that make a noise when you turn them OFF are the invention of a moron. I'm turning you off because I want you to pipe down, not so I can hear a fucking encore.

2.Pushing a pram up a hill should be part of basic military training. Mount Everest would be piss easy if you've already negotiated the mild gradient between the shop and our house.

3.Only remembering you have guests arriving 5 minutes beforehand is a very effective way to tidy your house.

4.Babies of a certain age are transfixed by the washing machine. I wasn't as entertained by the new Star Wars film as my lads are by a 40 degree quick-spin.

5.Sometimes my son will squeeze my hand like an East End gangster who wants me to know he's "in faaaakin charge here." This normally occurs as I'm trying to get him to nap, when he's definitely already in charge anyway.

6.If you want your carpet ruining, trampling in soggy weetabix over a three-day period will do the job just fine.

7.A baby blowing a raspberry in the middle of a sobbing fit sends very mixed messages about their mental state.

8.Coming up with the vaguely humourous title 'A Tale of Two Shitties' when both twins have leaked does not make that situation any easier to stomach or resolve.

9.The North American Brown Bear adult male weighs on average 400–790 lb and tends to be around 6.5 feet long. A 10 month human baby can fart louder. (One of ours did one yesterday so ungodly I thought the drinks were going to start shaking like that scene in Jurrassic Park.)

10.Certain phrases have completely changed in our house. For example, saying to my wife 'I'll get the video camera ready for later' means something quite different than it used to...

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The Time I Smeared Shit on the Duvet

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Sam Avery

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