Skip to main content

10 Things I've Learned as a Parent This Week (#19)

1.Noisy toys that make a noise when you turn them OFF are the invention of a moron. I'm turning you off because I want you to pipe down, not so I can hear a fucking encore.

2.Pushing a pram up a hill should be part of basic military training. Mount Everest would be piss easy if you've already negotiated the mild gradient between the shop and our house.

3.Only remembering you have guests arriving 5 minutes beforehand is a very effective way to tidy your house.

4.Babies of a certain age are transfixed by the washing machine. I wasn't as entertained by the new Star Wars film as my lads are by a 40 degree quick-spin.

5.Sometimes my son will squeeze my hand like an East End gangster who wants me to know he's "in faaaakin charge here." This normally occurs as I'm trying to get him to nap, when he's definitely already in charge anyway.

6.If you want your carpet ruining, trampling in soggy weetabix over a three-day period will do the job just fine.

7.A baby blowing a raspberry in the middle of a sobbing fit sends very mixed messages about their mental state.

8.Coming up with the vaguely humourous title 'A Tale of Two Shitties' when both twins have leaked does not make that situation any easier to stomach or resolve.

9.The North American Brown Bear adult male weighs on average 400–790 lb and tends to be around 6.5 feet long. A 10 month human baby can fart louder. (One of ours did one yesterday so ungodly I thought the drinks were going to start shaking like that scene in Jurrassic Park.)

10.Certain phrases have completely changed in our house. For example, saying to my wife 'I'll get the video camera ready for later' means something quite different than it used to...


Unknown said…
Soaring prosperity and obsession with luxury chanel replica sale products offers large chances for luxury retailers. The quantity of Chinese millionaires is approximated to much more than doubles inside the subsequent 5 years. The Hurun Record estimates there are 271 billionaires, up from 189 in 2010. That progress is also creating challenges for chanel replica and other traditionally dominant gamers like Zegna and Omega to maintain industry share since the actually rich not wish to buy the identical style brand names every person else has. Rich buyers planning to differentiate through the masses offer a chance for luxurious brands like chanel replica, chanel replica handbags, and chanel replica sale that goal the ultra wealthy.

Popular posts from this blog

3 y/o kicks me in balls...

3 y/o kicks me in balls I fall to ground He offers to kiss it better I politely decline He gets upset I explain nuance of appropriate behaviour while writhing around in total agony Wife arrives I ask her to kiss it better She declines with fury Will cherish these family memories  šŸ’—


Had my first anxiety dream about the tour last night - despite everyone having tickets nobody turned up because there was a national babysitters strike... šŸ˜‚   (I had no pants on either but that’s standard for anxiety dreams isn’t it, guys? Guys?) So please do ensure you book a non-unionised babysitter before getting your tickets here: Tour starts in October and runs through till next March. Can’t wait to see some of you there.  šŸ‘ šŸ¤“