10 Things I've Learned as a Parent This Week (#19)

1.Noisy toys that make a noise when you turn them OFF are the invention of a moron. I'm turning you off because I want you to pipe down, not so I can hear a fucking encore.

2.Pushing a pram up a hill should be part of basic military training. Mount Everest would be piss easy if you've already negotiated the mild gradient between the shop and our house.

3.Only remembering you have guests arriving 5 minutes beforehand is a very effective way to tidy your house.

4.Babies of a certain age are transfixed by the washing machine. I wasn't as entertained by the new Star Wars film as my lads are by a 40 degree quick-spin.

5.Sometimes my son will squeeze my hand like an East End gangster who wants me to know he's "in faaaakin charge here." This normally occurs as I'm trying to get him to nap, when he's definitely already in charge anyway.

6.If you want your carpet ruining, trampling in soggy weetabix over a three-day period will do the job just fine.

7.A baby blowing a raspberry in the middle of a sobbing fit sends very mixed messages about their mental state.

8.Coming up with the vaguely humourous title 'A Tale of Two Shitties' when both twins have leaked does not make that situation any easier to stomach or resolve.

9.The North American Brown Bear adult male weighs on average 400–790 lb and tends to be around 6.5 feet long. A 10 month human baby can fart louder. (One of ours did one yesterday so ungodly I thought the drinks were going to start shaking like that scene in Jurrassic Park.)

10.Certain phrases have completely changed in our house. For example, saying to my wife 'I'll get the video camera ready for later' means something quite different than it used to...

I'm a stand up comic and dad of twins. Click here to follow my blog on Facebook.

Comments

The Time I Screamed at my Kids

Before my kids arrived I swore I’d never shout at them. But choosing how to approach parenthood before your kids are born is like a caterpillar deciding what kind of butterfly they’re gonna be while they’re still building the cocoon. ‘I’ll still do loads of charity work, of course. And I’ll be REALLY nice to moths too, even though they’ll probably hate me because I’ll be so bloody gorgeous.’ Theory and reality are like sugar and shit. I’ve raised my voice to my kids more times than I can count. Often just to shout ‘STOP SHOUTING!’ which I’m aware doesn’t set a great example. ‘You should NEVER shout at your kids.’ And that’s fine. In theory. Because everything’s fine in theory. The Slimfast diet is a piece of piss until day two when you’ve had three hours sleep and someone offers you a Wagon Wheel. Of course, I never WANT to shout at them. I love them more than words can describe. But those you love are also the ones blessed with the innate ability to boil your piss q

The Time I Smeared Shit on the Duvet

My wife and I developed our parenting systems through trial and error. One of the earliest rules we’d introduced was that if it was after 5am and one of the babies became unsettled, we wouldn’t waste our time trying to get them back down in their cot - we’d just bring them in with us. After a nice cuddle in our bed, they’d normally settle back down, barring the occasional impromptu fanny gouge or affable bollock kick. (Babies are the most violent sleepers on the planet, easily capable of committing GBH in the middle of reaching for their dummy.) Our twins were six months old. I was fast asleep. At least, the deepest sleep you can get once your kids arrive. My pre-kids sleep used to be the nocturnal equivalent of deep sea diving. Nowadays I’m lucky if I can submerge my toes in a puddle. Early on, my sleep was lighter than a Ryvita biscuit who’d been having it off with a helium canister they’d met on Tinder. Everything woke me up. Some nights I’d just lie there, bewi

The Time I Got Sent to the Naughty Step

The naughty step is only as powerful as the child allows it to be. I once sent my son there and 20 seconds later he came racing through the living room on his fucking bike. I briefly tried to return him to his pleasantly carpeted penitentiary but I was far too busy giggling. On another occasion, my lad wouldn’t go to bed and instead plonked himself down on the bottom of the stairs in defiance. I started to threaten him with a trip to the dreaded step of naughtiness. ‘IF YOU DON’T GET TO BED RIGHT NOW, I’ll, erm….’ I tailed off as I realised he was already sitting on the effing naughty step and my threat now made less sense than Welsh hip-hop. I could see on his little face, he’d worked this out too. He threw me a smirk that said, ‘You’ll do what, knobhead?’ I felt it crucial not to back down. So I continued: ‘I’LL PUT YOU ON THE NAUGHTY STEP, YOUNG MAN!’ ‘But I’m already on it!’ he snorted. My brain turned to scrambled egg. ‘WELL THEN!’ I had nothing. Bu

Sam Avery

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