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Showing posts from December, 2016

The Secret Diary of a 20 Month Old (Part 26)

MONDAY Got some new books today but for me, there’s nothing more relaxing than sitting down with a book I’m very familiar with. I must have read that one about the zoo a million times and despite the fact there’s no real story, character development or a satisfying conclusion, it really moves me. Plus it’s fun to hear the big people try to inject false enthusiasm into their voice when I demand we read it again. TUESDAY I’ve been saying this for a while now but Postman Pat is an absolute knob. I’m only 20 months old and even I know he’d struggle to get his hands on a fucking plane. Love Peppa Pig though. What a role model. I hope I grow up to be just as obnoxious as her. WEDNESDAY Refused to take my nap today. Was convinced something amazing was going to happen and I didn’t want to miss it. Nothing happened. Got annoyed. THURSDAY Played with daddy’s iPad this morning but they took if off me. Said they’d put it somewhere safe. Found it on the sofa later so put it in


1.YOU CAN GO TO THE TOILET ANYWHERE No need to stop at motorway services or even find a tree to hide behind. Just wait till you’re surrounded by loved ones at a family Christening, lock eyes with one of them and angrily squeeze one out. Beautiful and convenient. 2.IT'S SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE TO THROW A TANTRUM It’s the Friday before Christmas and your boss asks you to work late. You plaster on a fake smile, nod and say, ‘Of course, no problem at all!’ when all you really want to do is roll round on the floor, waving your limbs until your screaming face is beetroot and you’re choking on your own snotty tears. 3.YOU HAVE ZERO RESPONSIBILITY Adults have to fret about broken boilers, council tax and Brexit. The biggest conundrum a toddler will face is whether to eat that bogey or smear it across the wall. 4.YOU CAN BE WRECKLESS Ever fancied running with your eyes shut or getting your face stuck in a hole? How about diving head-first down the stairs or spreading Su

The Secret Diary of a 20 Month Old (Part 25)

MONDAY The big people need to understand that just because I’ve got shit in my pants doesn’t mean I need changing. The smell might be horrible but I honestly don’t mind. Plus I’m closer to the source so if anyone should be able to veto a nappy change it should be me. TUESDAY Went to the park but they wouldn’t let me off those stupid reins. Kept telling me it was just my special ‘Big Boy Bag’ I had to wear. What kind of bag has a big fuck-off lead attached to it? I’m not stupid you know. And anyway, I only wanted to run down the hill and across the busy road so I could dive in the lake. It’s perfectly safe. I saw a little dog in the same position who looked equally pissed off. We shared a moment but then he licked my head and I started crying. WEDNESDAY Spent most of today whining. Not about anything in particular, just toddler stuff. Annoyed myself in the end. Whined even more. It’s a vicious circle. THURSDAY More glittery stuff keeps appearing round the house. Tac

6 Things You Don't Want To Hear From Another Parent

Often you'll hear all these things from the same person. And it's fine to push that person into a hedge. 1. "OURS HAVE ALWAYS SLEPT RIGHT THROUGH." Listen, I'm thrilled for you. We all are. It must be wonderful. But see these bags under my eyes the size of grapefruits? They mean this information is less welcome than a positive STI test. So zip it. 2. "MY LITTLE BOY LOVES ADVENTUROUS FOOD!" Mine does too! Crayons, Lego and faeces are adventurous, right? 3. "LET ME SHOW THIS WONDERFUL PICTURE SHE DREW THE OTHER DAY..." Whilst our own child's artwork is beautiful to us, I'd rather sit on a rail replacement bus than look at someone else's. 4. "I THINK YOUR CHILD JUST BIT MINE?" The Walking Dead is great but you don't want your kids on it. And how do you react if you haven't seen the incident? Deny it and you're instantly that cockwomble parent who can never contemplate that thei

The Secret Diary of a 19 Month Old (Part 24)

MONDAY Bet myself that I could walk the entire length of the kitchen with my eyes shut. Walked into the oven instantly, fell over and bit my lip. The pain was terrible but to be honest, it was more embarrassing than anything. Will try again tomorrow. TUESDAY Locked myself in the disabled toilet at playgroup. Felt liberated for two seconds, then scared. Skipped crying this time and went straight for screaming. Big people shouted instructions through the door but it all sounded like bollocks to me. Played with the soap dispenser (which was AWESOME!) until light went off so went back to screaming. Was convinced this was now my life until door opened and light came back on. Haven’t felt that relieved since the mega-shit I did in baby yoga. Had a lovely cuddle with mummy. Tried to go back into toilet. She wouldn’t let me. Screamed again. JUST LET ME LIVE MY LIFE! WEDNESDAY Thinking about giving up my afternoon nap. It really eats into my day and makes it hard to get everyth

My Podcast - Episode 24

No guest this week...just me rambling about Nickelback, going on stage before a bunch of strippers and my son becoming scared of his own shadow. Listen to this and previous episodes on: iTunes ,  Stitcher  or  Podbean  

8 Things I Hate About Parenting

I love my kids more than anything but here's the 8 Things I Hate About Parenting. (In the interest of balance, I've already posted my 10 Favourite Things About Parenting .) 1.THE NEVERENDING RESPONSIBILITY You’ve had a shit day in work. You’re tired, frustrated and on the brink of snapping. All you want to do is lie on the couch with a glass of wine and enough chocolate to make Augustus Gloop blush. But you can’t because you’re a responsible parent and despite technological advances babies still can’t bath themselves. 2.THE LACK OF SLEEP Sleep feels like a hobby I used to really enjoy but have recently drifted away from. Like skiing, I’ve still got all the gear but never get the chance to use it these days. 3.GETTING FATTER AND FATTER When I’m tired my resistance to sugary shite disappears like a fart in a wind tunnel. But it’s not just sweets - finishing off their meals, eating double choc chip cookies at 3am while sobbing in the kitchen in my undies, or j