6 Things You Don't Want To Hear From Another Parent

Often you'll hear all these things from the same person. And it's fine to push that person into a hedge.

1. "OURS HAVE ALWAYS SLEPT RIGHT THROUGH."

Listen, I'm thrilled for you. We all are. It must be wonderful. But see these bags under my eyes the size of grapefruits? They mean this information is less welcome than a positive STI test. So zip it.

2. "MY LITTLE BOY LOVES ADVENTUROUS FOOD!"

Mine does too! Crayons, Lego and faeces are adventurous, right?

3. "LET ME SHOW THIS WONDERFUL PICTURE SHE DREW THE OTHER DAY..."

Whilst our own child's artwork is beautiful to us, I'd rather sit on a rail replacement bus than look at someone else's.

4. "I THINK YOUR CHILD JUST BIT MINE?"

The Walking Dead is great but you don't want your kids on it. And how do you react if you haven't seen the incident?

Deny it and you're instantly that cockwomble parent who can never contemplate that their child would ever do anything remotely wrong.

(Obviously the correct answer is, "Yeah, probably. Sorry.")

5. "OH DON'T WORRY, IT TOOK ME A WHILE TO LOSE MY PREGNANCY WEIGHT TOO."

Hang on, we were talking about the weather! How has this morphed into a critique of my body shape? Plus, I'm a man so this sounds a bit weird.

6. "OH YOURS HASN'T STARTED WALKING / TALKING YET? MINE DID WHEN THEY WERE..."

Thanks for this visceral reminder that life is a competition to some people.

Although while we're on the subject of development, when are you thinking of learning some tact?

You massive twat.

(I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins. I post all my new blogs to my Facebook page.)

Comments

Shop Girl Tales said…

"Oh you poor thing. Breastfeeding makes your boobs balloon to ridiculous proportions, doesn't it?"
I don't know. I'm his grandmother.

13 December 2016 at 13:30

hoxn123 said…

of technology handbag replica innovation, startups and venture capital.In agreement of artery robberies, they don’t get Watches Replica abundant added abounding than this: Badge in Beverly Hills say a bandit blanket UK Replica watches account added than $100,000 off the wrists of two men on Rodeo Drive endure week.“It’s a altered world,” Designer handbags said Beverly Hills Badge Sgt. Max Subin.The bandit pulled a gun on Replica Rolex Watches the men as they absolved.

28 December 2016 at 09:50

The Time I Screamed at my Kids

Before my kids arrived I swore I’d never shout at them. But choosing how to approach parenthood before your kids are born is like a caterpillar deciding what kind of butterfly they’re gonna be while they’re still building the cocoon. ‘I’ll still do loads of charity work, of course. And I’ll be REALLY nice to moths too, even though they’ll probably hate me because I’ll be so bloody gorgeous.’ Theory and reality are like sugar and shit. I’ve raised my voice to my kids more times than I can count. Often just to shout ‘STOP SHOUTING!’ which I’m aware doesn’t set a great example. ‘You should NEVER shout at your kids.’ And that’s fine. In theory. Because everything’s fine in theory. The Slimfast diet is a piece of piss until day two when you’ve had three hours sleep and someone offers you a Wagon Wheel. Of course, I never WANT to shout at them. I love them more than words can describe. But those you love are also the ones blessed with the innate ability to boil your piss q

We Have a Winner!

Ladies and gentlemen - some news! One recipient of my newsletter is now the 'lucky' (ahem) winner of an exclusive gig from me IN THEIR HOUSE! And that person is... Lyn Morter! Well done, Lyn! (Btw, if anyone from Ofcom is reading, you can check the legitimacy of this result via the Facebook Live video I did last week.) When I informed Lyn that she'd won she simply said, 'I've never heard of you' and 'How did you get my phone number?' so I'm sure that will be a great gig for everyone. (Only joking. She was thrilled.) Thanks to all of you for entering. But what now, Sam? I hear you screaming at your smartphones. Well, I'll be taking things a wee bit easier through August, spending some much needed time with my family after all the touring. But just like that former Governor of California of Austrian descent, I'LL BE BACK (sorry) in September with more blogs, videos and general waffle. I'm also heading b

The Time I Smeared Shit on the Duvet

My wife and I developed our parenting systems through trial and error. One of the earliest rules we’d introduced was that if it was after 5am and one of the babies became unsettled, we wouldn’t waste our time trying to get them back down in their cot - we’d just bring them in with us. After a nice cuddle in our bed, they’d normally settle back down, barring the occasional impromptu fanny gouge or affable bollock kick. (Babies are the most violent sleepers on the planet, easily capable of committing GBH in the middle of reaching for their dummy.) Our twins were six months old. I was fast asleep. At least, the deepest sleep you can get once your kids arrive. My pre-kids sleep used to be the nocturnal equivalent of deep sea diving. Nowadays I’m lucky if I can submerge my toes in a puddle. Early on, my sleep was lighter than a Ryvita biscuit who’d been having it off with a helium canister they’d met on Tinder. Everything woke me up. Some nights I’d just lie there, bewi

Sam Avery

Search This Blog