Often you'll hear all these things from the same person. And it's fine to push that person into a hedge.
1. "OURS HAVE ALWAYS SLEPT RIGHT THROUGH."
Listen, I'm thrilled for you. We all are. It must be wonderful. But see these bags under my eyes the size of grapefruits? They mean this information is less welcome than a positive STI test. So zip it.
2. "MY LITTLE BOY LOVES ADVENTUROUS FOOD!"
Mine does too! Crayons, Lego and faeces are adventurous, right?
3. "LET ME SHOW THIS WONDERFUL PICTURE SHE DREW THE OTHER DAY..."
Whilst our own child's artwork is beautiful to us, I'd rather sit on a rail replacement bus than look at someone else's.
4. "I THINK YOUR CHILD JUST BIT MINE?"
The Walking Dead is great but you don't want your kids on it. And how do you react if you haven't seen the incident?
Deny it and you're instantly that cockwomble parent who can never contemplate that their child would ever do anything remotely wrong.
(Obviously the correct answer is, "Yeah, probably. Sorry.")
5. "OH DON'T WORRY, IT TOOK ME A WHILE TO LOSE MY PREGNANCY WEIGHT TOO."
Hang on, we were talking about the weather! How has this morphed into a critique of my body shape? Plus, I'm a man so this sounds a bit weird.
6. "OH YOURS HASN'T STARTED WALKING / TALKING YET? MINE DID WHEN THEY WERE..."
Thanks for this visceral reminder that life is a competition to some people.
Although while we're on the subject of development, when are you thinking of learning some tact?
You massive twat.
(I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins. I post all my new blogs to my Facebook page.)