Skip to main content

6 Things You Don't Want To Hear From Another Parent

Often you'll hear all these things from the same person. And it's fine to push that person into a hedge.

1. "OURS HAVE ALWAYS SLEPT RIGHT THROUGH."

Listen, I'm thrilled for you. We all are. It must be wonderful. But see these bags under my eyes the size of grapefruits? They mean this information is less welcome than a positive STI test. So zip it.

2. "MY LITTLE BOY LOVES ADVENTUROUS FOOD!"

Mine does too! Crayons, Lego and faeces are adventurous, right?

3. "LET ME SHOW THIS WONDERFUL PICTURE SHE DREW THE OTHER DAY..."

Whilst our own child's artwork is beautiful to us, I'd rather sit on a rail replacement bus than look at someone else's.

4. "I THINK YOUR CHILD JUST BIT MINE?"

The Walking Dead is great but you don't want your kids on it. And how do you react if you haven't seen the incident?

Deny it and you're instantly that cockwomble parent who can never contemplate that their child would ever do anything remotely wrong.

(Obviously the correct answer is, "Yeah, probably. Sorry.")

5. "OH DON'T WORRY, IT TOOK ME A WHILE TO LOSE MY PREGNANCY WEIGHT TOO."

Hang on, we were talking about the weather! How has this morphed into a critique of my body shape? Plus, I'm a man so this sounds a bit weird.

6. "OH YOURS HASN'T STARTED WALKING / TALKING YET? MINE DID WHEN THEY WERE..."

Thanks for this visceral reminder that life is a competition to some people.
Although while we're on the subject of development, when are you thinking of learning some tact? 

You massive twat.

(I'm a stand up comic and dad to toddler twins. I post all my new blogs to my Facebook page.)

Comments

Shop Girl Tales said…
"Oh you poor thing. Breastfeeding makes your boobs balloon to ridiculous proportions, doesn't it?"
I don't know. I'm his grandmother.
hoxn123 said…
of technology handbag replica innovation, startups and venture capital.In agreement of artery robberies, they don’t get Watches Replica abundant added abounding than this: Badge in Beverly Hills say a bandit blanket UK Replica watches account added than $100,000 off the wrists of two men on Rodeo Drive endure week.“It’s a altered world,” Designer handbags said Beverly Hills Badge Sgt. Max Subin.The bandit pulled a gun on Replica Rolex Watches the men as they absolved.

Popular posts from this blog

10 Things I've Learned as a Parent This Week (#29)

1.I cannot believe I EVER complained about being tired pre-kids. 2.That moment when you think there's something seriously wrong with your baby but quickly realise they're just having a massive shite. Ridiculous. 3.The key to cleaning Weetabix off the floor is not to leave it for 10 days. 4.I'm struggling to come to terms with the fact my next lie in will be in 2026. 5.I can recite all the words to The Furchester Hotel yet struggle remembering my own PIN number. 6.They should make talking baby toys swear. Just once or twice a year to keep us interested. 7.I could pick out the noise of a dummy hitting the floor in the middle of an earthquake. 8.Putting shoes on a baby will make you twice as late. 9.I could shave a chimp with ADHD quicker than I can dress my son. 10.Only if they ever make me a grandad will my boys truly understand how much I love them. I'm a finalist in the MAD Blog Awards 2016 and you can vote for me in both '

The Time I Screamed at my Kids

Before my kids arrived I swore I’d never shout at them. But choosing how to approach parenthood before your kids are born is like a caterpillar deciding what kind of butterfly they’re gonna be while they’re still building the cocoon. ‘I’ll still do loads of charity work, of course. And I’ll be REALLY nice to moths too, even though they’ll probably hate me because I’ll be so bloody gorgeous.’ Theory and reality are like sugar and shit. I’ve raised my voice to my kids more times than I can count. Often just to shout ‘STOP SHOUTING!’ which I’m aware doesn’t set a great example. ‘You should NEVER shout at your kids.’ And that’s fine. In theory. Because everything’s fine in theory. The Slimfast diet is a piece of piss until day two when you’ve had three hours sleep and someone offers you a Wagon Wheel. Of course, I never WANT to shout at them. I love them more than words can describe. But those you love are also the ones blessed with the innate ability to boil your piss q

The Time I Got Sent to the Naughty Step

The naughty step is only as powerful as the child allows it to be. I once sent my son there and 20 seconds later he came racing through the living room on his fucking bike. I briefly tried to return him to his pleasantly carpeted penitentiary but I was far too busy giggling. On another occasion, my lad wouldn’t go to bed and instead plonked himself down on the bottom of the stairs in defiance. I started to threaten him with a trip to the dreaded step of naughtiness. ‘IF YOU DON’T GET TO BED RIGHT NOW, I’ll, erm….’ I tailed off as I realised he was already sitting on the effing naughty step and my threat now made less sense than Welsh hip-hop. I could see on his little face, he’d worked this out too. He threw me a smirk that said, ‘You’ll do what, knobhead?’ I felt it crucial not to back down. So I continued: ‘I’LL PUT YOU ON THE NAUGHTY STEP, YOUNG MAN!’ ‘But I’m already on it!’ he snorted. My brain turned to scrambled egg. ‘WELL THEN!’ I had nothing. Bu