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Before You Park in the Parent & Child Space, Read This

Twice in my regular Sunday night blog I’ve written about parent and child spaces being used by people on their own. 

These are the comments I made:

1.People caught parking in the parent and child spaces without kids should be forced to do their weekly shop with teething triplets who haven’t napped.

2.When politely informing a motorist that the parent and child spaces are for parents with children, they often turn out to be a weapons-grade c**t.

Both have been met with support and criticism. Those with gripes can be separated into two camps:

A. People With No Kids

Fair enough. You don’t understand what an absolute pain in the shitpipe it is to try and get a pair of wriggling, screaming, unaccommodating toddlers out of a car into a space more narrow than a hamster’s skinny jeans. (N.B. It’s the extra space we crave, not the proximity to the shop.)

You also won’t understand how severe sleep deprivation renders previously simple decisions as confusing as Welsh hip-hop.

So I’ll look the other way. It’s not your fault. You merely don’t appreciate the sheer fucking hassle of it all.

That leads me the second group:

B. People Who Had Kids Years Ago and Therefore Feel Superior to all Parents of Today

This group really boils my piss.

We get it. Things were more difficult back then. (I can’t imagine being a parent pre-Google, let alone pre-1980. Just imagine trying to cope in an age when on-demand kids television wasn’t in your arsenal of coping tactics. Hell on earth.)

Times change. Technology and society moves on. Things will be easier again in the future. No doubt by 2032 you’ll be able to safely teleport your kid to a virtual Tellytubby-land for an afternoon while you neck half a tablet of space-gin and pass out on the sofa.

But just because things have got easier doesn’t mean you have to endlessly bleat on about it.

“WE never had parent and child spaces and WE survived.”

Please give me a moment so I can put my (cold) cup of tea down and give you a proper round of applause, you sanctimonious arse whiff.

Thank god I’ve never met a parent from the Jurrassic era. Can you imagine how self-righteous those fuckers would be?

“Parents nowadays want everything on a plate - my arm was bitten off by a sabre tooth tiger and half my family died of consumption but it didn’t stop me from breast feeding…” 

A quick Twitter poll showed an alarming support for direct action.
Anyway, back to the parent and child space debate.  I really like the idea that Gemma Brian suggested on my Facebook page:
“We should band together and create a giant 'I'm a tosser – I park in parent and child spaces when I do not have a child with me' sticker and place them lovingly on the front of their car.”
Although my favourite story came from another (wisely, anonymous) user on my page:
“Hot day, busy Sainsburys car park, just returning to the car with 2 smalls when a rather large, muscly bloke aged about 30 in a beautiful white, open top Merc pulled REALLY quickly into the P&C space next to me with no kids in the car. As he got out of the car, I looked up at him - mainly because of the speed that he'd just arrived, and he snarled "What the fu@k do you think you're looking at" so I said nothing and went back to strapping the 3yo into the car as bloke went into the shop. 
As I was strapping the 1yo in, he squeezed his face together and massively filled his nappy - proper poo-splosion. I realised that I couldn't leave him like that, so took him out and laid him down in the boot of the car for a change. Unfortunately, I had no nappy bags with me, so managed to barely tape it together using it's own tapes, but it was a close run thing, and weighed about 3lbs - God knows what he had been eating. 
After strapping him into his seat, I realised that I couldn't leave the nappy in my boot to roll around, so went in search of a bin. As I passed the open topped Merc, I just couldn't help myself and gently rolled the slightly oozing nappy into the driver's seat - which neatly unwrapped itself as it rolled downwards. I would have loved to wait around to see the reaction, but with kids around I didn't want to put them in any danger, so decided to leave before he got back.”
Total fucking poetry, don’t you think?

So listen up and listen good. If you continue to park in those spaces we will retaliate in our own special way. 

Plus we’ve only had two hours sleep so not only will we unleash hell but it will probably make absolutely zero sense.

Facebook: samaverycomedian
Twitter: samaverycomedy


Kerry Oliver said…
I completely agree with this. The stores that have those spaces have done so for the convenience of their customers who need them. "Back in the day" there were no where near as many rules and regulations about car seats (which is why we need the extra space in the first place) and as you say society has moved on to make this issue easier. Would you prefer I use a normal space and have to block your drivers door because I have to park so close just so I can open the door wide enough to get my child in and out. I actively use the parent and child spaces with my 7 month old thereby leaving the most convenient regular spaces for all others available even if its further from the store. Its a two way street people.
Anonymous said…
My pet hate!closely followed by those who use pay at the pump then go into the shop to pay...
Anonymous said…
Also annoying when someone parks there and a ten year old bounces out of the car. The spaces are for parents of little kids!
Rebecca Brooks said…
Those with massive cars and limited parking skills also annoy me by using the wider spaces to mask their inadequacies. But for me the worst offenders are those who have two adults in the front and kids in the back. They pull into the parent/child space and then ONE OF THE ADULTS ONLY gets out to nip into the shops, leaving the kids in the car with the other one. These people drive ma crazy because they actually have kids so they know exactly why these spaces are so useful, and yet they choose to use one totally unnecessarily for their own convenience. At my local Tesco, the parent/child spaces are nearer to the door than the disabled spaces. I wish they'd move them to the back of the car park (and put a special shelter there too for all the special trollies - another nightmare is rooting through hundreds of trollies looking for the only twin one!) so that people who just want to avoid walking ten extra steps to the shop door wouldn't bother with them.
Anonymous said…
Completely agree only I think they should be fined like they do for disabled parking. If you've not got car seats in your car and park in a parent and child you should be fined!
Anonymous said…
I would personally prefer the bays were on the other side of the car park. More of a walk but less likely to be used by arseholes.
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